I just realized Rob Zombie's birthday is a day after mine. Kind of funny considering I was in love with him when he first came out as a solo artist in like '98. The tattoos, the horror movie fascination, the hair, the clothes, those boots. He is basically the perfect man. I still have that album somewhere since I stole it from my brother. I was so cool back in the day, seriously. I think I need to start being a bitch. I wish I could eat pizza with sracha(sp?) chili sauce and cherry soda for the rest of my life. Turning nineteen doesn't seem that exciting, birthdays aren't exciting at all. I need to do something with my life, I'm disatisfied with how things turn out about 78% of the time. What the fuck, why do I still even live at home? I'm living a lie. I hate all you stoners and your silly weed. And I hate your opiate smoking habits that leave me with the foily after-taste and a five minute high that just gets me giggly and drinking more than I ought to. My rambling is done.

And I'm tired of sleeping with myself, and I'm tired, all these drinks and drugs no longer help

Christmas weekend has been interesting. I stayed up until sunrise as usual Christmas morning and fell asleep for a couple of hours until my mother woke me up for presents. I knew what I had already gotten and I was stoked. I finally have a fitting leopard coat, heart shaped tights, dresses, a sweet floral cardigan. I have pink hair and both my parents actually like it. Maria picked me up after Christmas dinner and we drove in the torrential downpour an hour and some minutes to Southport to meet her potential significant other, we saw Sherlock Holmes. I was stoked, I like Robert Downey Jr., but it wasn't the Sherlock I remember. We went back to this kid's house and I had to sit with his obnoxious friend while Maria and boy snuggled until we drove back to Wilmington. Not realizing my phone had zero signal, and it was somehow already dying, I never got any messages Addison left. She dropped me off around 3 and he was outside, obviously drunk, pissing over the porch. He was so worried and mad at me and I then saw I had a few voicemails all from him. I finished the last beer, took care of him and we talked until the sun rose then slept in. Saturday, I decided to stay over again and he bought us lunch, then we began drinking some beer and eventually moved on to Tequila. We shared some drugs with roommates and I heard all the guys talking about me, I guess in a positive way. Addison and I were busy watching the Dexter marathon and when we finished our 12 pack we tried to rush to the gas station 10 minutes until 2am, closing time. We missed it by two minutes but some dude bought us nacho cheese, I was so stoked. So the others came back from the bar, red faced, stumbling. Addison and I made our nachos and played video games then we watched Lost Boys until we were too sleepy. We slept in yesterday until 3-4pm, and then I finally got my milk shake and his dad picked us up.

I love my man. New Year's is gonna be great. I have to re-dye my hair though. You should have smelt the shit I put in it to get the blue out, it barely came out and made me strangely blonde. Hair is crazy.

Pabst and Camels

Life is going alright. Every night, when it is still considered night; where all the sleepyheads of the world are wrapped in their dreams and the drunk party people are drooling in their restless sleeps with a stranger or something like that, I am awake before the sun rises lying in my bed wondering why the sky looks so big and dusty at this time. The stars glitter and shimmer before my heavy eyes, they're dim and gentle, dainty drips of light. When I finally fall asleep once I hear more than one car in a fifteen minute time span, I sleep for a short spurt, my bones keep me awake, randomly pulling me to wake. I stay in my pajamas until the sun sets and he takes me away from this house. My hair is pink now, he smiles nervously at it and decides he likes it. I know the person I hate the most's middle initial and somehow this is big news in my head. The stories that formulate, the tears that strain the sheets after only half a case of beer. Sometimes these feelings and painful memories never stop. Sometimes they chase you when you're at your most vulnerable. I told myself for a long time nothing was ever my fault and that I didn't deserve this pain.

The people that surround me when I go out are questionable. I won't ever understand people and how they act or how they think, feel, touch..all of it is futile. Driving in the car, passing by houses decorated for the holidays..why? Well, I don't know but I sure do like the colors all bright and shiny. It's a beautiful display, this town is lit up like home almost. So close to home but it's never just a trip to Nana's anymore. It's fucking far, far enough that the lengths of my heart tear up, they rupture and burst inside my chest making me feel more isolated. But his hand is warm, holding mine and the rings he's placed on my fingers, the cigarettes that balance off between fingers like some acrobat. It's routine, this is routine. Open the case of beer, here's to the rest of the night down our throats in cheap ale and smoke.

Bees Knees..

Oh, Morrissey. So much to answer for. I hear The Smiths this late and I think back to who I was. Thank you little me, I haven't changed much. I'd have kept to a little embarassed, I know it.

Helter Skeltur

I had a dream Charles Manson and I were best friends. It was actually a lot of fun, and apparently I laughed a lot in my dream. We went out with rifles and shot things, not people, I think or something. It was cool, he was really cool and more like a redneck grandpa than anything else. Call me crazy, I know. I see him as a crazy old guy anyways.

Yesterday during the storm, Addison picked me up and we went to his house and set up camp, ha. We had decent beer that kept us warm and ordered pizza and watched Point Break. I have seen Point Break more times than I want to admit. A package was dropped off for the previous occupants of the house and the boys were so stoked because it was a canister of popcorn and other goods, considering they were stoned. I have never seen men such savages for popcorn and snowman aluminum covered chocolate balls in my life before..

After a while, we locked ourselves in his room with pizza and he played video games then he fell asleep and I tossed and turned until 5am when he finally woke up to be nice enough to snuggle and turn on the fan. We drove to Fayetteville to drop his cousin off at the airport, she wasn't very pleasant this week. He and I sat up front and couldn't smoke for 2 and a half hours but we played some great music and the weather got beautiful a couple of hours before the sun set. We waited at the small airport until she checked in then we drove off and got back and just snuggled. I am home now.

I Am Demon

I feel so bad, I can't shake the feeling. I want to say sorry and hope that makes you change your mind. But words can't make someone understand, just a little hope and some time.

And also, lurkers of the world...don't unite and take over. Fuck off, I don't want to see my name plastered on your damn social networks. And I am not the new girlfriend, thanks. I am way cooler than most of you dumb cunts but I'd rather not have to deal with the bullshit you subjectify yourself with just so you can feel important and so-called "empowered."

Anyways, listen to Danzig. I bought hot pink-red hair dye and my mom says I'm gonna stay weird for life.

I want a normal bedtime. I bet tonight will be the third night in a row I watch the sun dimly rise. I haven't been sleeping well, I watch Law&Order: SVU every morning at 4am. I had a dream during a cat nap about that guy and he was so into but I left and ate a sundae in my neighborhood, walking. I am gonna be done with my exams tomorrow finally. All this waiting has drained me. I failed my math final. I decided, again, I am never gonna marry a man like my father. I re-made some shoes today by cutting and painting. I might glitter boots by the end of the week.

"Catch fire,
I'm burning up with you.
Something in the air makes me wonder
Why the hell I'd care about tomorrow
When it's all right here - the wine the hope and you"

Story of my life. I need to start drinking wine. Addison says I've become more girly in recent months.

love

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gtltJcvxwRs&feature=player_embedded

The rain was so peaceful when I woke up this afternoon, I decided not to go to class. I am tired of my bed and my sleeping pattern. I go to bed at 5 in the morning because I talk to Addison late and then Law&Order is on. I am tired of my blue-green hair and I tried dying it over but it didn't really work, goddamnit. I pretty much am done with classes except for a math exam Friday night, then next Tuesday and finally Thursday.

as Lady Gaga says...

I'm a free bitch baby.

Sometimes I wonder if people who constantly complain about their problems in life, have time to appreciate things. And I wonder if only people who are truely fighting their demons inside realize they honestly need to appreciate even the littlest things to get by. I do it everyday, in the bathroom, sitting on the cold porcelain, with water running, I say I am thankful for air and the day even when someone outside is screaming bloody hell at me. I thank the sky for being blue and the clouds to drive by. Even though, it makes me a little sad, I have overcome some demons and learned to realize nothing can really hurt or get to me except myself. I have gotten past self pity and am top of appreciation. I am a very fortunate person and you should feel the same. You are capable to spend time writing about your life, contemplating it, reading others, sharing stories. We have time to be happy but you'd rather fret about people not liking you, or not being good enough, or something else.

It sounds really sad, I have to tell myself how to be happy, over and over and over again. And I do not want to be subjected to being someone I myself would dislike, someone who whines about everything, is unhappy with every aspect of their life or doens't know when to shut up about it. I pride myself in being strong and would never be a burden to others with my emotions. It's just something I never wrapped myself around.

I ain't no goddamn son of a bitch, you better think about it baby

I forgot painting and Misfits are my salvation late at night. I need more clearheadedness like this.

measured by ugliness

Spite is a very powerful thing.

And beautiful if used wisely and to the best of your ability. Trust me on this.

slave to the wage

Something about falling asleep with a few tears glistening over something not worth crying over, a miniscule memory, the dreary, blurry past. It's about waking up and having your quiet demeanored morning routine stirred by a messy father with his toaster, his stove on, crumbs from toast, jelly dripping off a blunt knife onto the counter. Not wanting to deal with "Good morning, how are you?" You rather rage silently in your head about how you have a set restriction to go about mornings, make two pieces of plain toast, gulp down a small glass of juice, grab coffee and let it sit to cool down while I brush my crumbs into my palm, throw into sink, throw dishes into dishwasher, unplug toaster, be tidy. I have no time to wait around for him to be sloppy in my environment that does not want human quality conversation. The day is gray, the air is chill, the clothes are too slutty for your mother waiting in the car as I sit in the passenger seat moaning over her nagging, apply masacara, pucker lips, apply plum lipstick in the mirror on the visor, ignore her voice underneath music. In class, I sit near a boy with braces, yellow food stuck inbetween the metal wires, he smiles anxiously as we are the only ones in a row of 20 present, his bottom lip is pierced twice with black piercings. I lay back in my seat, fidget through my things and hope to god there isn't group work, as it is always an awkward situation. It is individual work, thankfully but he makes effort to brush past in the compact rows against sheer leggings. I watch the clock to my right like a hawk on its prey, it is over, onwards to the next class, pass through as the teacher assistant mentions it's Thanksgiving, no one cares. The next class is almost the same. Afterwards, mother is outside, I can see her from behind the windshield shaking her head at her skanky daughter. I get in, she is not in a good mood because I am a bitch. We open another bank accountfor my extra grants and I overpower her as she tries to control more of my life, I interject and tell the man it is my money from the government and to listen to me. We all agree eventually, I am given a new account for student funds or something like that, we continue home. In the turning lane, a car is broken down so conveniently and we have to stall behind a school bus full of obnoxious tweensters who take every oppurtunity to wave, make faces and rude gestures at us. I laugh nervously, but I am annoyed, I pray for the light to change so I can disappear.

I am here now, I am mad. It is my first night of Thanksgiving break and I should be a beer down already, yes at five to five p.m, a beer in. But I am sitting here with lukewarm coffee and a day old half eaten burrito. Nothing is sacred today, I love my sacredness of my daily routines of anxiously awaiting your arrival online or your already present name appear on the screen. But you have to do family things whereas I don't even celebrate holidays other than with you and in the past- friends. Drinking on rooftops, bashing each other into the shingles blasting music. But tonight, I willsay I sm focused to do my studying and my cleaning and painting and everything else but I will procrastinate. Only because I want to be by your side where I feel at most myself, comfortable, safe, secure, content beyond recognition. Perhaps tomorrow.

psychedlic jungle

This girl told me I dressed phenominal today while another next to her said I wore things she'd be too scared to wear and like I fell out of a magazine. Kind of funny because I thought I looked insane. I went to apply at this place that I was told asked about Morrissey in their interview but the guys kept stumbling through their words and told me to come back when they're opened.

My cool cousin wants me to visit during my christmas break so I can stay at his crazy apartment building in Brooklyn and go see the Tim Burton exhibit at MoMa. He hugged Tim Burton since he went in dressed as Edward Scissorhands on stilts, my cousin is way more awesome than me. I'm gonna spend this Thanksgiving break with Addison as usual, and perhaps painting, eating a lot and drinking cheap champagne and beer all while playing Scarface since that has been our everyday thing. Oh and snuggling of course. I need a job, I found two faux fur coats I want and an expensive dress. I got $2200 from the school because I had money left over from my grants and scholarships but I might spend it on clothes. Oops. My hand hurts, I'm out.

Fantastic Bird

Seriously, I will always love Morrissey if they keep illegally posting his unreleased songs online. Go find Revelation, download, fall in love.

Good weekend, I am one cheeky drunk. I have the best boyfriend ever.

lack of communication? right..

Twitter, facebook, this, that, the other thing. I know I am the owner of like a billion online blogs but shit, I just wanna have people read what I have to really say and mean, yknow? It is easier to type up things than write them down. Not about my desparate attempts to keep people "updated" on my so-called "interesting" life. It's all trite, and it just makes me more conflicted about everyone. Can't any of you take a minute away from your text messages and social networks and sit in silence and solitude? Enjoy the woods, actually listen to a song, read a damn book, do something honestly thought provoking. I would enjoy it if one day all these devices stopped, what a ruckus you all would stir, incessant whining, right?You all follow a line, you all go in order on the conveyer belt of life letting it do as it pleases with you. A mere product of the society that doesn't accept you. You lack a soul, you lack adventure, real honest things. Could you even hold a conversation face to face? Talk with your eyes, hands, the wrinkles and creases of your forehead. Your technological world has you wrapped up around its little finger so you can't really live. I don't want your acceptance and I sure as hell don't want your companionship. I enjoy myself only, and I enjoy people who love nature and escaping the life we seemed to bound ourselves too. Maybe I am too old fashioned. Maybe I am not so lucky to waste money of such petty things. I do not know what it is, but I don't care. I don't need people to look into every detail of my inane life, because I am fairly boring. And the mystery is only caused by the fact I don't let everything out.


I had a good night with my only friend and boyfriend. I enjoy him having money to treat me to some of my favorite beer. Like cherry wheat? Oh man. He cooked me macoroni at 2:30am and his roommate helped make it delicious. "More jhezz? How about some peppa?" You guys are fun when you aren't being asses. And I wish the meteor shower followed through but I was too busy being content sleeping next to my man but I got out of bed to peer outside and saw nothing. I have been enjoying my boyfriend's company a lot lately, we've improved so much in the recent month now that we are back together. We obviously fight from time to time but that happens and we've been having late night talks and doing the things I like and that he likes. I feel appreciated, I feel strong. He surprised me twice today when I decided to skip most of my classes today and sleep in his bed and it was so nice. I cannot believe we're more in love now. It's wild, I am happy..so content.

soaring

Fall asleep to dream of falling 100 stories down in
love
You make me feel like a lit house; a cozy home with
trees, blankets of leaves enwrapping
love
I cannot seem to grasp anything falling except
you
And all I want to grab is you you you you
only

Give me convenience or give me death!

I don't know why any person from any religious sect would approach me and think I actually believed in a God. I see the fear and disbelief in your eyes when you find I am kind about it all. Blue hair under a red beret, beat up motorcycle jacket, a Sonic youth shirt, black miniskirt, knee high boots. does it looks like I want to be saved?

Want to know how readable I am?

Brother justin: yo sucka
ME: hey hey
Brother justin: how goes it
Brother justin: yo i got a movie u might like if u havent alreayd seen it
caityfagpatrol: whaaaat
Brother justin: its called control
caityfagpatrol: about joy division? haha
Brother justin: ya ha u saw it?
caityfagpatrol: haha that is one of my favorite bands loser, haha
caityfagpatrol: I own it
Brother justin: son i dont know this
caityfagpatrol: you should!
Brother justin: i was watchin it at the fire house n was thinki u would like it

I wish I didn't lose touch with my brothers after they went to college and when I moved. And I wish we really grew up together instead of them being eight years and 12 years older than me.

+

The reason I am so bitter towards the human race is because I see so much potential, right at the tips of each and every single one of your fingertips. And you are so selfish and too stupid; you let it go so easily without thinking. None of you think for yourselves but rather about yourselves. Me mememe. My my my my. I wish I could be so arrogant in the sense to throw it all away. So I sit here, with my two cents and hate myself for letting myself get this way about all of you.

someone ties a bow
in my backyard to show me love
my voice is climbing walls
smoking and I want love

my jaw's been broken
my heart is wrapped in ice
my fangs have been pulled
and I really wanna see you tonight

it makes no difference to me
how they cried all over overseas
when it's hot in the poor places tonight
I'm not going outside






(The sound of the rain is making me sleepy. I am pretty happy right now. My best friend acknowledges me completely again and it's like nothing bad ever happened. We're gonna live in solitude once society gives us little jobs, right. Right. Right. College is pointless. It only makes me feel more superior, and I can't figure it out. What am I doing at this place? I don't paint, draw or sew anymore. I eat terrible food, have awful sleeping patterns and my skin acts up occassionally. Lame.)

drool

So I've been into jewelry again. And I totally want this as a gift, *ahem*. From bonadrag.com. Seriously though, if you're lurking...I'll marry you, literally, if you buy me this. haaaahaha. Today was pretty good.

life is..

Pretty amazing lately. I am happy with my relationship, I am kicking ass at school and was able to apply for next semester. Above all, I am not pregnant, hahaha. But really, Addison and I cut down our drinking immensely, we argue less, snuggle a lot more and are beyond loveydovey and fuck you for thinking it's gay, we rule.

Yesterday, I met his two month old niece and everything is so strange to explain. I didn't think anything would be back to normal- and a million times better. I held a little baby and she smiled real wide at me, I didn't understand why I felt so mushy inside over it.

When we left, we stole some vodka and beer and played video games and watched television. I love talking until 4am and then falling asleep peacefully and cozy in a chilly room. This morning, when I got up, I didn't notice his roommate in the kitchen which is basically right outside his room and got caught by surprise by the sight of him because I was pretty much naked. Anyways, we went with his brother and wife to their little sister's fourth birthday party. I am glad we weren't hungover because places with lots of kids ODing on sugar and jumping on inflatable castles suck. We didn't even get that much pizza and the cupcakes made us sick. It's been a nice weekend, I love the weather and I am happy. Except for my living situation and my parents. I need a job badly and a car.

"It no longer makes me cry and die and tear myself to see her go because everything goes away from me like that now--girls, visions, anything, just in the same way and forever and I accept lostness forever."

halloween!

So every Halloween, I get really pumped and have a million ideas. Last year I was Wednesday Addams. I used to like real androg. stuff when I was a kid from Batman to the blue power Ranger so now I am reliving the princess girly shit I missed out on. This I year I decided on Marie Antoinette, unoriginal but I am broke and already have a dress in similar fashion, as I did for my Wednesday dress, haha. The dress has frills but it's definitely toned down then the huge gowns originally worn and shorter but I prefer that. No one wants a drunk me who is already pretending to be a Queen in a huge poofy petticoat. It's more like the dresses in Sophia Copolla's film when Marie had her children and her gardens which I prefer too. I also already have an array of costumeesque jewelry needed and a pair of shoes similar to those worn in the film. It's kind of fun having a ridiculous wardrobe. I intend on doing some Adam Ant make-up as well to make it look more awesome. I hope this works out and I look good. Walmart had a cheap little girl's "princess" wig that I am either going to dye or paint a cotton candy pink. I plan on dressing up tomorrow for my night in with my beau, hopefully. I am just going to wear my cut up Danzig shirt, some heavy eye make up, black jeans and boots. I also have a black pvc devil horned headband, a bone necklace and a huge skull ring already. I am telling you, I am a living cartoon character. I could have been Enid from Ghost World but it seems I already dress and act like her everyday. I need to re-dye my hair blue tonight also since I just got an actual hair cut and it is looking faded.
I also really hope my plans work out. UNCW is hosting Rocky Horror Picture Show for free at 12am tomorrow night and audience participation is needed. I have always dreamed of doing this in the movie theaters since it was really big at one time when the film came out and afterward.

You've Got Everything Now..

It's kind of amazing in the most depressing way how bitter and nihilistic I have become. My mother nearly kicked me out of her car today on her way to take me to class, pulled to the side of the road. I didn't even care and kept saying, "Really? Really, alright. You're acting like more of a fucking child than me. How old are you again?" And then she kept driving, smacking my head. I don't care about anything anymore. And when I argue with my boyfriend, who started to drink again, I cry for a little and then realize we've went our separate ways before, why should I start trying to run after him? I have wasted too much of my life being kind and understand. I do not have time to let someone who acts younger than me belittle me. And I don't care to hear about anyone's problems, which makes me believe I do not care for the people whom I considered close. I should hate myself for this but I look back and the hatred boils. I need to focus on school, not some damn boyfriend who wants to disagree or bicker over the dumbest bullshit. I need to find a job since I am sure I will be kicked out soon. I am tired of figuring out what's wrong with me and feeling bad and being the pussy who gets stepped on, no more. I am a human being too you know, I have anger and sadness and happiness and thoughts inside me. You're not the king of me or my heart, no one is. No one owns my emotions, I do. And if this makes me bitter, so be it. I don't care anymore, I was going to be happy but some people just wanna step on other's gardens. So fuck you, I want my garden a million miles away from you all. I will not allow threats being replaced or this or that sway me anymore, you do your own damn thing, I will not change not even for you. I am sick of arguing, you make me the mean person I am currently. I will not let you belittle me to the point I am crying in the cafe, I already have enough people (the lot of the ones I even know..) breathing down my neck. I don't have time for relationships of any sort, I DO NOT want to deal with anyone. What has overcome me? I just want to shout and scream and disappear from everyone, I fucking despise feeling this way, let that be known.

I blame my sleeping patterns, I will not go to bed until 5am. I wake up different hours everyday, and take a nap from 6-9pm usually. My diet is shitty, and I spend too much time trying to work things out. I can't afford to fuck up college, no way. This is the one thing in my life I can control, no one else getting in the way.

....And what a terrible mess I've made of my life. Oh, what a mess I've made of my life. No, I've never had a job because I've never wanted one...

sympathy for the devil

Really? Go fuck yourself. I have being so angry at petty bullshit since it proves I am no different than the plain janes and average joes of this humanity. But you know what, I will rise above, gonna rise above and prevail. My intellect is worth more than what you are worth in dollars, cents and whatever else there is.

This weekend is supposed to be really nice. Tomorrow night is supposed to be dinner, and a night in with Addison hopefully then Saturday, I am takin a roadtrip to see Social D with a guy I have no formally hung out with, or Chris, I am not sure yet. I am in a really shitty mood right now over, like I said, unnecesarry things that will consume up my useful time.

from a female perspective..

"I was half in love with her by the time we sat down. That's the thing about girls. Every time they do something pretty, even if they're not much to look at, or even if they're sort of stupid, you fall half in love with them, and then you never know where the hell you are. Girls. Jesus Christ. They can drive you crazy. They really can. " -J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye
Goddamn, don't I know it after two years.

never gonna grow up

Last night, Addison and I went to see Where The Wild Things Are finally. It was really sad and made us both feel super nostalgic. We both admitted we almost cried throughout, it just reminded me of how I was as a kid, almost to the tee. And how I wish, even now, a decade and some down the line, things were different but they aren't but it hurts you can't have your imaginary world or build forts and get away with it. Being near friendless and without the outlet of being so involved in your imagination sucks, reality and life nearly sucks away that part of your soul but it seems my attitude overpowers that and I am thankful for that.

I loved it nonetheless, though it didn't follow the book persay, but I guess you can say it was fit for modern day and all. It just made me think a lot, it made me want to always be wild. I know I am a big kid, and I hope I never lose that inside me.

We stayed up until 5:30 am, talking and talking. It took us both a while after the film to cheer up, somehow it affected us more than I wanted it to in a really sad, faraway way. I am really happy again and excited about life. Things are coming my way that I deserve. School is almost smooth sailings and I am about to sign up for next semester. Next weekend I am hopefully taking a roadtrip to see Social Distortion with a new friend, who I have only met a few times ha. But I plan on spending the entire weekend with Addison, being adventurous in the cool weather. Maybe ride bikes, or sit on the beach in our coats and beer and chase each other around. I am so glad in my heart right now. I really am NEVER going to grow up, I don't care. I watched Pee Wee Herman's Big Adventure til 2am the other night cracking up just like I would have when I was five. Shit, I'm ready for tomorrow. I need a job though, I've never had a real job. And I need a car, I don't even have my license. But I'm alright.

4:43 PM Addison:
so we're going to have sex in the movie theater?
……………………………………………………………………
4:43 PM betty boop:
it's fucking Where the Wild Things Are
what is wrong with you!
……………………………………………………………………
4:43 PM Addison:
beat my dick like it just stole your bike

Not of This World

So I'm pretty cramped for time until Friday afternoon, hopefully. I plan on picking up some indian ink and clean needles and convincing Addison into our homemade tattoos finally. Plus, we're scrounging up whatever money we have to see Where The Wild Things Are since we planned on seeing that for a long while.

Things are a little hectic and stressful but it's my fault. I slept until 11 last night when I should have been studying so I wouldn't do it all tonight, and plus I spent more money on clothes last night, but my mom bought me fake doc martins (non-leather, so shut up.) I cannot believe I bought this flowy "boho" chiffon dress but it makes me feel pretty and isn't so snug on me like most of my clothes. I lost my Danzig shirt and it's kind of a disaster because the sewing job makes me look ultra trashy. Addison said he might help bleach my hair for me, I'm excited for this weekend. I am probably gonna have to bike ride down to the beach on River Road to get to his place, but who knows he might find me a ride.

All I really need is a job and I'd be so set. I have too many halloween costume ideas, like every year and it's great to probably spend it again with him and my best friend. I love the two people closest people in my life so much, officially I am pretty happy again. If all works out, we're headed to Greenville maybe, that place is apparently wild during Halloween. Being broke is so silly. I am in a good mood at least, I need more energy, Idon't know what it is about me and my room, makes me feel like a sloth, or it's the weather. I don't know, I cannot wait for the weekend finally. Then next weekend is SOCIAL D if I figure out a ride!

I can do anything with you by my side now.

Hahahaha. This is Addison and I, for real. Listen, we're good now. I'm totally ok, either that or...completely fucking insane.

blackbird

You just called, too drunk. You told me all that's happened and kept asking about school, grades and laughed whole heartedly about my life within the past ten days. Then you told me you loved me. And somehow all my anger, such weak anger, managed to get stumped. You backed off and said "Aw come on you know that, I didn't forget about you, I told you I always loved you and don't bring anything else up because you know.."

I stumbled through what I'd say back, something I've said to you a million times, quite literally. "You know I love you back.." Things are going to be alright, you know?

That Joke Isn't Funny Anymore..

"It was dark as I drove the point home; and on cold leather seats. Well, it suddenly struck me..I just might die with a smile on my face after all"

I just cannot care anymore. If I've carried this song long enough with me, through all the troubling thoughts, I can get by without you. There are plenty who appreciate my sense of self..right? oh damnit, why do I miss you and why do I want to know if you miss me in any way or have you given me up so quick. It wasn't for me, at least I don't believe so though you've insisted. I refuse to believe you ever cared enough about my feelings to consider me now.

I really enjoy watching Gossip Girl. It makes me feel soo much better. I am ok with admitting this, I was into the OC so it's whatever.

disgusted

one of these days..

Writing papers last minute until nearly 2am is gonna catch up to me and bite me right in my ass. But hopefully I will never lose this craft. I almost cried on my way home tonight in the car with my mother, I don't know what it was. I kept looking out at how dark it was outside and the music kept getting louder and I realized the dark made everything seem so much more desolate and this town is so empty. I never cry like that ever, but you caught up to me. This is the longest we haven't talked and I know you were online while I was at my lecture and I know it wasn't to talk to me but I miss you so much but I can't give into calling. Maybe it was to talk to me, I don't fucking know. You're just my best friend and this makes me so weak in my bones. It's like we're connected when we keep telling ourselves lies to disconnect and untie all of our love knots. My fall break starts tomorrow and I just hope it turns around into something beautiful like autumn is supposed to be. Bike rides through the park, picnics with beer. I can't believe I smoke so much now and my eating habits are shameful, I hate it. I need to fix myself up. My rut has followed me around for too long. All my time is spent smoking cigarettes, making coffee and contemplating things that oughtn't be contemplated. I just think too fucking much.

heart&soul

"Existence— well, what does it matter? I've existed for the best use I can. The past is now part of my future. The present is well out of hand." — Ian Curtis

I find it really kind of morbid that I sleep underneath a Joy Division poster but it seems one of the only people I feel connected to is Ian Curtis. And I have no idea why, it's 2:30 in the morning and instead of doing work to keep on track, I am watching documentaries on Bob Dylan and the Ramones. Documentaries I have seen dozens of times in the past five or six years of my life. I surely annoy myself since I cannot figure out why I am repetitive, perhaps because it feels safe in this routine, I am with these people more so than actual social interaction.

Her hair was raven and her heart was like a tomb. My heart's like a wound.

Sometimes I think of that night that held onto the fate of my soulmate and I by a thread for the last seven months of my life. The clanking of bottles, and the blurriness of everything, the fast pace of my heart out of fear where I was going for the night, standing outside the show with the train hopping punks, sharing a coke bottle of rum waiting for a familar face to come out. How I kept drinking out of the fact I had nowhere to go and everyone I knew left without me. And a boy is whispering in my ear to leave town with him and his friends and their puppy and do what I really want. And I can think of you at home and how I missed you so much but it ached missing you because it was like inside me I knew something terrible would happen that night. And they appeared, my big tattooed buddies saying I could come crash with them, save me from being swept by stinky crust punks. We walk down an alley and we all talk in awe of how that was one of the best shows we all ever seen but deep down I am still worried about how I know what it's like to not know where you're staying for the night. And inside the car, at the gas station ,all squished in, someone get a case of beer. We're gonna drink all night, all of us and have a good time. But it doesn't happen and I keep thinking of how much I love you and wish you could have just picked me up outside, alone, at 2am and let me sleep in your car, or on your mother's couch. But it couldn't happen, I was out there on my own. In his bedroom, it's nearly empty, no bed. There he puts on music and I still have trouble listening to that album to this day. We're laying on the floor, I can't feel or think straight and I really just wanna die. But he puts his tongue in my mouth and it's stiff and feels like sandpaper. And the next thing my clothes are being ripped and I can't go on but you heard about the blood stain carpet and how I got quiet and I told him to get off. I could see his knees all cut up, soaking the floor with his blood. And he's on top again and he doesn't even look me in the eye so I close mine and try not to cry and I tell him stop, and I rush out of the room outside to call you and pretend it's alright. I look down the street, it's the ghetto, 4am. And I wasn't a big enough of a woman to tell you the truth then so I wish you a good day at work and you knew what was happening, where I was, who I was with. And it was the worst night of my night. All my things...drinking...music...being carless...lonely...caught up to me and because of me being weak, I lost the most amazing and fucked up person I ever knew. This is the most personal thing I've kept inside me until now. I think about it all the time, how we'd be ok now, how we'd be so beautiful. And all he kept asking was if I'd kiss him and that he was sorry I was just so pretty and he kept just smiling where all Iwanted to do was run off and disappear from here completely. He wanted to hold me the whole night, while I slept on my side and he put his arms around me and I tried not to cry and worry. In the morning, he kept trying to snuggle with me and I kept staring at the door in front of me and how I wonder what it would be like to just be a goddamn door, anything but a human and feeling this. We went out for breakfast with the whole gang, he tried buying me breakfast but I left money for my food, didn't even sit with him but I felt his eyes glancing, because in the car he kept talking so awful about you and tried putting his arm around me cause all of us couldn't fit in the back. And you came to the restaurant when I stayed after everyone else left and in the car you could tell and I wouldn't say it until we were alone. Then, I told you, and then, you dropped me off on the side of the road near my house and I just slept and I don't want to think about this anymore, don't want to talk about it anymore, I want to set it free, I hate it. I hate it, how could I have been so foolish? To be the girls I despise, how could I be so weak to let my lesser half get the best of me.

I just want us to mutually have the same magic we had. We were, even with the secrets, completely unstopable, no one could touch us and how poor we were. Cause fuck, we were so damn happy in our lovey-dovey sense. How could anyone ever compare to me? Or you? You gave me this heart of gold cause you allowed me to love you beyond anything I wanted to feel for someone. blah. I neevr felt so strange..I am so worried right now, so sad. I am always sad and worried and you tell me I deserve more than this but I don't want anything else. I am fighting this battle because I feel it in my gut and I'm gonna pursue it and if I told who I ripped that line off, you'd just laugh and do an impression of him. Goddamnit, I love you and I'll have been all crazy about you for two years in two weeks. It's not on your girlfriend's birthday- but you're close. Add a one infront of the three. Aren't we both crazy? I just lied in your bed crying all afternoon Saturday while it rained and felt you crush me beneath your arms.

Said I'll never leave you, No I'll never leave you
It's not the end, No it's not the end

You're jealous again
You're jealous again
You're jealous again
and again and again
and again and again
and again and again

and you're running away..

I am going to leave this town. And I know it's for the best. I'm wasting too much of my youth here waiting around for nothing. There is a wonderful, beautiful place out there for me that I will fit in like a glove.

kind of funny how something so soothing is interrupted by the ring of a telephone

I was just sitting by your side an hour ago while you talked to your girlfriend and she is aware of who I once was in your life. And now I am just some ghostly reminder of such a person. We drank bourbon out in your father's driveway with your uncle, passing the bottle around, smoking cigarettes. He gave us some valium to which I am relieve will be in my system soon. I tried getting clean, in the sense I ought to do things on my own, without anything or anyone. We will, again, try to distance ourselves for supposedly my sake but I haven't had any qualms. Is she really even "intimidated" by me, of all people? I am merely a girl who gets her shit done, or tries to at least and has pop culture engrained in her measly brain, and occasionally has good taste in clothing and a carefree attitude. Is that frightening? You are the same person, which isn't the greatest thing but at least these girls come after you, like me, so blind to the truth of your nature. They all want to be loved, they don't care by who, as long it comes in a handsome package and false promises of togetherness. While I know who I want to love me, and have that in this fucked up sense but I am unwilling to love just anyone nor have anyone love me, that's just the biggest disgrace in people I see. Such flawed, needy characters who seem to devour any affection they can get. I'd rather be alone than fake my heart. Eventually, they all find out you. It was me who did not care and got over things.

I am not weak for loving you, I am not weak for staying. My only weakness is the fact I tried to give you up but I keep coming back for more. I defeated my purpose in hopes of reconciliation. It isn't working out and now I'm miserable with a headfull of pills. Saying a person is too good for you is a goddamn cop out and you're using it with every inch of your miniscule existance.

I drank a whole pint of gin to myself last night and wish I hadn't. I thought clear liquor was my answer but it definitely was not. I hate when I have these days where I am sick of life.

disintegration

Oh man, I am not gonna say it but at least I'm smiling at a quarter after 3am.. Maybe it's the Cure playing, who knows. At least tomorrow is Friday. I almost hate you now, and I'm fine with that concept. And I almost hope you constantly have misfortune in your life at this very instant. The things that happen to you occur because you remain selfish through all your acts and are ignorant to reconciling things and improving on your awful habits as a person and how you treat others. You're frustrated with the way life hands itself over to you? Think of the way you treat others emotions, like a a bed of flowers you trample over. That is all I have to say right now.

I want someone new.

I and love and you..

I dyed a bunch of my hair blue last night, sat in the bathroom with a fly listening to music cleaning up all the blue dye off my fingers. I got a cup of coffee and five cigarettes left for the rest of tonight. I decided yesterday I am takin a train back to the city as soon as I can and staying with my truest of true friends since I haven't seen him in over two years and he has a pompadour now. I got an A- on the paper I wrote drunk and a B on the one I wrote hungover the night before, weird. I wish I didn't feel so down right now, I have nothing to take my mind off this. I think tomorrow I am going to the park with Chris and enjoy nature and bring a case of beer with us or something.

Those hards are really hard to say after a while especially since someone else is saying them to you. Don't cry with me anymore if you're going to make me cry more alone. It's hard to call when you said I could at 3am and my mind won't shut up and all the caffeine and nicotine are racing around, and the bed won't hold me right like I need to be held and I wish it were you..

oh my god

I will trace your voice and follow it through the cracks like a wire to the wall. I will pull you out from beneath by the sound of you calling and I will hold you like my own and love you like only I could. I won't stop to cry; remain in the light. I will not hold back from kissing your forehead or pulling off the sweaty, greasy strands off from it. This isn't a wreckage and we can pull ourselves out of this one. I'm down the street, at the end of the road, the streetlights are turning on, flickering to life like fireflies, the sky's electric blue vanishes, a black velvet cape covers itself and brings out the latterned stars. I'm standing on a corner, turning left, running down the road to your house, and you don't know it, the blisters on my feet throb and burst with blood but I keep on going towards your house and I don't stop, not even when my breath is catching up to me. This is it, this is all I have in my heart and I have to get it. I hear your voice and I follow down the road near the river, the cars pass me by and their speed hits against my frail frame but I keep pushing. I'm a mess, I'm weird and crazy but I don't care what anyone thinks of me with my bookbag hitting against the sweat dripping down my back cause I know I have to get to you to fall beside your knees so I can look up and see you smile so I can feel my smile come across my face. No one knows what I go through and it isn't because I'm embarassed, no one would understand the length of love and determination I find inside myself I must let out. This lion in it's weary cage, it's restless paws and scream. I must let this all out. I am stepping over long patches of grass, feeling things crawl up my scrawny legs but I don't even bother to get them off, my heart is racing like my legs, I won't stop to look around, I am running away from my dreary reality, I am going to end up inside a little house with whiskey fueling my little tank, preventing me from being boring, giving me my stories their time to be told. So I speak loud and I tell everyone proud I am in love and I am not scared anymore of the future. I am not scared to be hurt, but I know at least my love is honest and at least I'm an honest being. I am beyond pure, I am untouchable. I can now see the edge of this road winding, I look up to the bridge and now I am so close I can taste the salt on your skin and the dirt on your fingertips and I can the television and the little voices coming from inside. The house is so close that I go over the bridge, alone, trying to fight off feeling strange and I am past the grocery store and the little strip malls and I am going to keep going. Maybe you won't be too mad. If someone made me as unhappy as you think you have, you think I'd be fucking insane enough to walk this far and long to see them.

I don't even know what I'm saying. Kerouac said..“Write in recollection and amazement for yourself.” I owe a lot to Kerouac, it's kinda funny what words do to your brain and the movement of your heart and arms and legs and heart. I just wanna leave, I wanna go. Just go, leave. I don't care about money or yelling or responsibility. But it's funny now I am trying to get it together for myself so people will love me raw instead of seeing me as some silly, lose, careless little girl. I think I am tired of being seen this way because they all forget who I am and how strong I honestly am.

It isn't like you'll read this, maybe you will. I don't know, you haven't read my stuff since last fall. Other than my paper last week which was impersonal. You read a year and a half of my life straight through. You were there with me blacking out and hitting the kitchen floor, you were holding my hand during my cat scan and laughing after the cops left not giving me a drinking ticket or taking me home to my parents when Iwas fifteen, you were going 80 around curves of the roads with my friends and me, marijuana flowing out the windows, and you sat on my bed with me and listened to music all summer days and read Ginsberg's "Howl" with me. I miss that connection.

She Wakes When She Dreams - Lucero

This song..right now. I've been sitting outside watching the rain pretty much all day today and managed to do better than most of my class on my African American history paper. I am doing a crafting, reading, painting night tonight I think. I stayed up until 4am last night listening to the rain. The rain always puts me in weird, romantic and kind of sad moods. I sound dumb, whatever.

All You Need Is..me

So it seems Morrissey is touring America again, which is somewhat a relief, though there are only currently West coast dates but I'll keep hopeful. The last time I saw him in March was really disappointing and I was afraid I'd never see him live again but see guys, Morrissey did it again. He's gonna come see me as usual and throw me his shirt again.


I don't want college anymore, I want to stay in my room with my music and write. Addison called me late to inform me I just might have poison ivy and since apparently I'm a city girl he thought he'd tell me how to take care of it. I think it's just a shitload of bug bites. I have forgotten my past and roots and what I came from. I must keep going on. I watched that Pam Anderson and Brett Michaels sex tape out of curiosity and it was dreadfully boring if I do say so myself.

I put a spell on you

I definitely keep having awesome dreams about Henry Rollins and everytime my parents totally approve him, age difference, tattoos and all. We drove around in my dream and he adored me. We went looking at apartments or something and my brother was in town and Henry and I got along well and acted like little kids. I wish I could dream like that all the time, lately my dreams have kept me awake all night. And for some reason this certain dream felt so real I ended up talking about his stand up, like I can fuckin remember this! "So..I was watching this video of you talking about girls and dates and the whole Hig Fidelity Top 5 thing and well....it's awesome someone is totally looking for a girl like me." Haha sure I am clearly embarassing myself admitting all of this but oh well. He drove an awesome van and then it broke down and I had on combat boots. Why do I remember all of this?



Caroline's gonna be pissed. But I can't seem to find my own man except everyone else's, see what I mean? I sound so insincere and awful. I miss this person so much but he already someone new but yet again he fucked up. I seem to love someone who just can't get it right.

my baby's all growns up!

Well yesterday to say the least, was as usual a manic, wild adventure of some sorts. I went out to eat with an old friend and he bought my food and drove me all the way to the beach where I preceded to hang out with the dudes all dancing in unison to House of Pain drunk. I played soccer by myself intensely for some time and drank too much. I watched the person I was about to fall asleep next to have an undercover cop walk into the room and arrest him, at 3am, with me in my underwear and a Johnny Thunders shirt. Needless to say, another night of hating cops and freaking out with the others in the house. The cop threatened me that if I went down to bail him out, he'd give me a dui. "Uh...I don't even have a car, I was going to walk.." "I don't care, I'll give you one anyways." Fuck tha police. So I spent the better half of the night after 3am waiting around for the guys to bail his ass out and then having to try and find him since they lost him. Walking around Carolina Beach again buying cigarettes and searching for him, he beat me to the house and it was an emotional time. I hate anger and violence. Swingers was on and I just ignored the hatred and waited until everyone calmed down. We sat outside finishing up the leftover beers and then finally got into bed at 5am.

I don't know what to say about my life, I think I am unsatisfied and trying so damn hard. I never wanna see the person I love the most, my best friend, get arrested in front of me and be disrespected by some fucking undercover cop. Today, I felt sad and fidgeted and took a walk to get food by myself, I thought about staying positive but my heart hurt. Coming back, a boy from my high school gave me a hug and told me I smelled like college, he was at the church up the street. They wouldn't let me over to get a free tye-dye jesus shirt, but I guess it's ok since my shirt said "Dead to me" and had a jaguar holding a gun and knife. There's a new puppy at the house I'm in love with and a little boy played with me in the kennel since we are both small. After being sad and all jumbled up, we laid in bed and talked about life. I don't know what's going to happen, I wish I wasn't a lazy piece of shit because I have things going for me but I'm fucking up. I love you too much, they'd have you for lunch. I'm all crazy right after early beer and McDonald's. I need a job, I need a car, I need a new place to stay. My parents despise me more each day and I thought I'd be over this by college but no. I have to do a lot for myself.

coast to coast

Monday night I stayed out at a certain someone's. I don't know. I wrote a paper, drank some beers. It should not have been happening but I was glad to wake up next to him though I was stuck at the beach, missing my classes. Today, I got stopped by some religious people who kept insisting I find God and take the time to read some book, the First Testament?, I think and I don't understand why others can't accept others don't believe in anything but are still striving to make a worthy existence for themselves and to continue to be good person, with flaws and "sins" without the promise of some so called afterlife. I wasn't rude or anything but the lady was shaken when after her first question, "What do you think it takes to get to heaven?".."Oh ma'am I don't think there is such a place to get to." Don't you understand others challenge those thoughts and being?

Last stop for a resolution
End of the line, is it confusion?
So go, go see what's there for you
Nothing new, nothing new for you to use
I've got no new act to amuse you
I've got no desire to use you, you know
But anything that I could do
Would never be good enough for you
If you can't help it, then just leave it alone
Leave it alone, yeah, just forget it
It's really easy
I believe I'll forget it too
Still you're keeping me around
Until I finally drag us both down
Streaming feathers out your hat
Yes, I believe that's where it's at
You belong tagging along
And I belong in your zoo
So I wait for confirmation
That you're never going to use your starting gun
Unless it's me it sounds like being here
Just wasn't that much fun
Anything that I could do
Would never be good enough for you
If you can't help it, then just leave it alone
Leave me alone, yeah, just forget it
It's really easy
I'll just forget it too
Coast to coast, coast to coast
I'll do what I can so you can be what you do
Coast to coast, coast to coast
I'll do everything I can so you can be what you do
Coast to coast, coast to coast
Circuit rider comes every fifth Sunday
Oh my lord, I fell asleep one day
Anything that I could do
Is there anything that I could do?
That someone doesn't do for you
That someone didn't do for you
That I haven't already done for you

gonna rise above!

I am so glad I went to the pawn shop with Addison and his dad yesterday cause I got American Hardcore and it's makin me feel so much fucking better about things right now. It sounds really lame but I am glad punk rock will always be there no matter what sort of jokes there are out there. And plus, I got Marie Antoinette and the Addams Family. The storyline for Marie Antoinette was kind of weak, but I love Sofia Copolla's films for the filmography, and how beautiful everything is. It had that awesome Adam Ant take on the outfits back then. I have decided if I ever get married I am going to have an awesome dress like one out of that movie, for sure. And that hair, ugh I wish I had my hair like that everyday and went to these lavish parties with Siouxsie & The Banshees blaring in the background. Plus, any movie with my favorite song of all time, "Ceremony" by New Order, is a complete win all the way.

I sound really lame and feel super bad about the way things turned out. I really don't wanna lose my best friend, you know? I've known him for two years and it just seems like things won't change and even when he says I'm too good of a person to be with him, I don't know whether to believe it or not. It's pretty crushing, I'm not used to this. Because to begin with, I don't even like dealing with people since I'm gonna get attached and I just don't trust people in general. And then you have to like open yourself up and get close and decide whether or not you're gonna allow yourself to be that way with someone; or anyone. It's stupid, I feel like a whiny little kid. I just don't wanna lose the person I love the most and have dealt with so much shit with, considering I am getting things together for myself and learning to become more responsible with my life. A lot has happened within the past year and I've had a lot of revelations about things. Maybe things will turn around, but it's that I worry so much about him since I know things are getting real hard for him now and all I'm trying to do is get my shit together soon enough so I can finally, for once, really help him out. I'll always be the person to walk the beach with him in the middle of the summer with bookbags, without a car and bring bars and buy us french fries, always. That's just what you're supposed to do when you have a best friend. I don't give a shit if things happen in between, I know I can't be immature and cut him off like I do with everyone, he's gotta stay in my life. It sucks at the moment because we can't have the way we want it, the way it's supposed to be. But I can overlook mistakes, and pain and figure out to learn to trust again as long as I can keep him. It's not even like it's his decision that we're disconnecting but it's been mine and it's my only defense mechanism to tell him to fuck off, like "You hurt me, you won't let me have any real say in the relationship so fuck you, this has all been a waste of time." But that's so immature and I gotta deal with things. I have to get my life set first before I can even begin to really try and make a loving commitment but I keep trying my damndest day in and day out and at least that gives me hope: I have something to look foward to.

what ever happened to?

Thank you for making love to me as the sun rose, and for then breaking my heart. I know we aren't going to be us because someone else is there. And there's all these whispers and you know how people talking makes me so nervous and introverted. But we are in love but the hourglass is running us out It's quite alright. I got too drunk last night and walked around the streets towards the beach at 5am crying without a place to stay. We collapsed into the floor during a mild scuffle that led to us laughing in a shocking agony, my polka dot dress up all around my waist. "we were...only playing around, sorry." I admitted my most painful secret only for it to be smashed in my face. We fought, we broke through, we cried together and we settled our decision. I rode a bicycle and rode it straight into a car, busting up my index finger, my feet are cut up and I walked around the better half of today dirty and groggy. I ate a delicious meal with you and your father at that little Italian place, but the food just killed us and our late night drinking states. We stayed in until he picked us up, and you brushed my teeth for me while I tried to find hairclips to pin back the mess. We sat in your bed in underwear trying to blow bubbles, you saying in disbelief, "I honestly didn't think you actually bought bubbles just for this occasion." But you know me. We sat outside during the sunset smoking cigarettes outside in your father's drive way talking of what had to be done, as sad as it sounds. But I am up for a challenge and hate being the other woman but I suppose I won't be any sort of entity now.

An indirect compliment

Halloween plans&ideas with John.

helturskeltur: i am gonna dress up as siouxsie
tournesolseed: you mean like you look every day
helturskeltur: but sexified

It's quite true, I wish it were only perfect. And excuse the fact I ignored using grammar/capitalization. I've been dressing like I fell out of some Tim Burton movie or a Blondie music video since I can remember. I don't want to change. I got butterflies in my stomach at the moment.

paint a vulgar picture

Your favorite singer of all time, (Morrissey), is releasing a b-sides album but you already have all of the songs because when you were fourteen you re-bought the reissue of You Are The Quarry for those b-sides, downloaded others, and had a boyfriend when you were seventeen surprise with the b-sides to Ringlead of the Tormentors on vinyl. Call me fucking nuts but I love my Morrissey and am only a little excited about this release. The sad thing is I have all these damn songs but fuck it, I'm gonna go out and buy this anyways. I am also going to go and buy every single Smiths reissue on vinyl from my local record store. Why? It makes me feel good, like chocolate or shoes. I don't understand it, I already have those songs in my posession. Maybe this makes me pretentious, I hope not. Though, the fact he is doing this with his record company now seems highly hypocritical compared to the Morrissey I loved from the Smiths era. I am barely nineteen and I am so frantic and in love with Morrissey, there will never been any difference from before puberty and now. I still feel more or less the same.

And I won't even go into Modest Mouse's EP considering most of those b-sides are more or less old, or at least I have them. I am pathetic human being without a life. I miss you. This is why I am single, too much useless, intimidating knowledge. This isn't charming, it's quite discomforting and disarming..

I miss New York terribly whenever I see pictures of it, or see it on television. I want to walk all those streets again soo bad. It's been a little over two years and this is the longest we've been apart. I want a real autumn, I miss walking to school with the orange sky and the skeleton trees and watch all the cars, buses and people pass me by, I want to disappear as a little dot in that place. I miss the trash, the glamour, the crazy people, the rich snooty people and drinking 40s in the train station looking for Tags on the subway and up high on buildings like stars in the sky. I want the streetlights to guide me home and hear all the music from all parts of the world flow out into the streets and all the aromas from the Greeks, Chinese, Spanish and Hindus. I want a good cup of coffee for a dollar from the Muslims and I want a bagel with cream cheese perfect with my Arizona iced tea. I want to meet all that boy in the park again and make out with him there all day, kind of. I want to take the bus to main street with John and find the Main St. Pimp. Man, so much to answer for, Queens. I need to go home.

I think I was in such a nice mood today that I bought some bubbles, paints and more sunglasses.

Who knows about the future, that place is for vultures! Glad it's almost Wednesday. I am getting even more sick of the Beatles, at least it keeps my Beatles obsessive father content. I know too much about a band I am not even fond of, let me tell you. Hell, I'm wearing a damn Paul McCartney shirt right now, it was my dad's back in the day.

And in the streets you run afree,
Like it's only you and me,
Geeze, you're something to see.

[Both:]
Ahh Home. Let me go home.
Home is wherever I'm with you.
Ahh Home. Let me go ho-oh-ome.
Home is wherever I'm with you.

La, la, la, la, take me home.
Daddy, I'm coming home.



I sang this song to myself in the streets, running barefoot in the rain from a drunk driving friend's dead car in Carolina Beach drunk myself, praying no cops would arrest me. I ran straight to your house and into your arms and you locked us in and turned off the lights and we hid in your room. I still love you so much and these past two weeks have been horribly strange and painful but either things tied together last night, this morning and today or this might have made it worse but I don't know. I just loved the past two days, I drank in the park and went record shopping and ate sandwiches with one of my best friend's. We got lunch with your father and went record shopping again and I bought a shitton of records and the dudes at the shop were in love with me and you just smiled the entire time. We were affectionate and free like little kids in Best Buy singing "Let's Get it On" and playing Batman and running around scaring each other, just like the old times. You seem to appreciate my spirit much more when you're in shambled states, but this time you have me to fall back on, if you give me the time. I love you I love you, I miss you already.

I wrote Holden Caulfield

I wanna get over my cold and I'm outta my awesome night time medicine which makes me feel all cozy and completely at peace. I have to write a paper deciphering whether or not slavery came before racism, and if they had anything to do with one another to begin with. Learning from African American history class, I realize it at first wasn't, but I don't know how to start out this paper and it's my first for college. I really love that class, I can't wait to get into more modern, contemporary history in there. We're getting along, I am making plans and calling people. There's a house party at the beach tonight but who knows if I'm gonna go, I feel all gross. It'd be good to see everyone from high school though, at least the people I know. I got a three day weekend and all I did last night was read, paint and craft it up. I also spent 200$ on punk shirts, at least I got a lawrence arms hoodie finally and shirts I've wanted forever, it's like thirteen year old me got this money for the government and is blowin it all on shit, as usual. Tomorrow might either be really great or really shitty. Love Language is playing downtown, and you and I might get together. I keep taking vitamin c cause you said it works wonders for colds, and hoping I can get over this. I am driving much better. I am trying to keep positive and am not going to bother worrying about my heart. I've been chainsmoking too much and it's definitely not helping with my gnarly coughs. I don't know, I got to sleep in and life is going to be ok.

I'm single and it's raining..

I think I enjoy being single too much once I finally get over all the boo-hooeyness of break ups. Maybe it's because you're still calling but we get along grand when we aren't together. But I enjoy my alone time a whole lot. All my passions resume their chaotic state. I can now consume books in my natural state of devouring them all at once. I do not have to worry about someone else so much but focus on painting, and watching all my favorite movies or documentaries. I can get my work done. I have always been an independent person in the sense I did not, nor feel like I wanted or needed, to have a constant companion of any sort around me. I am a pretty isolated person in the sense. I have my bad days which I get through.

Tonight it is Flight To Canada, and finally opening up the huge Oscar Wilde book I have had since I was fifteen and yet to even read a single page. These are the sort of things that keep my existance worthy of even feeling alive. I might even get a head start on my paper that is due for Tuesday. I have a three day weekend, and I plan on one night out if applicable towards the end. I am disciplining myself I think. But who knows..if given the chance I would gladly be out on the town drinking tomorrow night. I just don't have the urgency as I did this time last week nor the week before to be out and about to take my mind off things anymore. I just hope it isn't all the drunk calls I am getting. Or something. I'll assume it in a sense though, to keep a distance between us.

cause I can dish it out...

but I can't take it

I just don't know what to do about you. I had let go of the angst and sadness but now here you are, expecting my shoulder to cry on. And I let you. Why? Because I love you and I forgive, and I forget and I move on. I don't know. You don't deserve this misfortune again and I would gladly go through all the suffering again with you. I don't know why, not at all. But I would. You know this too. You need this spirit to guide through the hard times.

dark entries

I came upon your room it stuck into my head
We leapt into the bed degrading even lice
You took delight in taking down
All my shielded pride
Until exposed became my darker side

Puckering up and down some avenue of sin
Too cheap to ride they're worth a try
If only for the old times, cold times
Don't go waving your pretentious love


I have a cold and I don't remember the last time I had one but I am too weak. I keep focusing on my work and reading. I don't like who I have become. People ask me for a light on campus and I don't like the way they stare but sometimes I wish they'd engage in some sort of talk, so I won't feel so ugly and weird. But that's just me, I have learned this. It is still always comforting. I have at least an appetite now but I feel like I am getting fat again. I ate lunch with two French boys today, along with Caroline who bought me food. They teased me and called Ms. Green for not eating meat, they were endearing and want me to go with them to see Inglorious Basterds with them. I don't like the way peoples' eyes stare, I feel so uneasy, all this fellow students around me and I am sitting chainsmoking, closing myself off in books and my music and fidgeting. This new chapter in my life is literally cloudly and gloomy, most days it rains, my clothes are too dark, my hair is a mess, my face is a mess and I have no one to make me feel better. When did that ever matter? I guess I got too used to having someone there only for them to so selfishly disappear into some other lover's bed. Oh well, I always manage to grow a harder exterior and maybe I will find someone who isn't scared of a troubled girl with a head full of supposed intimidating knowledge. I am just rambling and need to go take some drugs now to calm me down.

high as a kite, I just might..

Seeing you was strange, I didn't intend on it at all. Nor did I intend on getting all fuzzy and acting like a child. It does not feel right, at all in my heart, to hear you say you wanted something new. Because my mental state is usually weak, especially since the drugs got to me. I am going to keep working hard and waking up early no matter how bad my bones hurt. I should be more of an adult but most days I just wanna take off and not come back. I will hear New York over the phone and the excitement back home, I close my eyes and I can smell that thick air and feel the grates with the subway passing by. Even though I say I must keep movingmoving moving, working working, consuming, learning, etc. I just want to crawl in my bed and hope you'll call like old times. I just want to lay in your bedroom all day like I did not even two weeks ago and do your dishes and fuck up the mac&cheese and drink too many beers and dance around. That made me happy.

I am still hurt and sad but trying to get through it. I don't want it to end on a bitter note but at the same time I do. I guess it's time to rekindle old friendships, bust out the liquor and beer and let it all loose. I'm gonna finally learn to shred like my favorite girlfriends and find myself a skater, according to my sunshine. I'm gonna finally be happy on my own instead of miserable with someone. I deserved a whole world than what I got. I wish I could say we'll be friends but I just don't know how to deal with shit so I am gonna cut him off. I love him so much it's killing me while I was just some damn girl for a year and a half. Four and a half years age difference and from the time I had just turned seventeen to now almost being nineteen, so much happens. And I wish the lies and betrayal never happened, I wish I got my shit together earlier. And I keep telling myself, for some damn reason, that things could turn around. But I feel his excuse for us not getting back together and moving on was just bullshit, a cop out. I am just confused because this happened so fast that this time last week we were so close and making love and I felt like my life was really headed for it's turn but it just kind of crashed.

At least I have been keeping myself occupied more or less. I have so much on my plate, I just wish I could shake the sadness off instead of using drugs and drinking by myself. But I have always coped this way. I just don't know what went wrong finally. I thought we were going through a bad phase, maybe we still are. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be, whatever bullshit. I gotta focus on the things I have always wanted. Like blue hair, and learning about cars, and being interested in school, and getting tattoos and being the person I was meant to really be. I don't know..I just don't know how to get this out of me. I need to keep myself occupied.

what I learned today

I learned to screen the good from the bad in my life, I am not going to take my time being nice to everyone. When I don't want to hold a conversation, I am going to be blunt now. When I am hurt, I am going to be hurt and move on. If I feel cynical, I will indulge in the rage, swim through it's swarming sea of buzzing wasps. I have wasted too much of my life being a push over that I am in fact near the edge of sanity. One more push and I'll be set free. It feels weird to say and I almost feel guilty. But I must be honest with myself and my emotions first before I can handle others. I have been beaten down and broken up into too many pieces, spending most of my days trying to place myself back together but I am not fuckin humpty dumpty and I am only human and I am far too complex to be taken merely for a ride. And you cannot force anything inside yourself like I learned the hard way.

It's good to hear you sad. A consolation prize of love.

Wow I got seriously fucked over. For a slut. A year and a half goes and poof, it's gone. I mean I don't know if she's a slut but her friend called her a slut, and they have both said it about each other. That's the word girls use- slut. People are cruel and awful. I do not belong in this world, I am too nice. It drains too much of my energy.

I thought this wouldn't hurt a lot..

I woke up to my mother trying to make me go to church with her, hungover. She told me I'm a fuck up and need to get my head straight. She knows I don't even believe in God. I laid in bed all day sad and watched Law&Order. I hate things right now, I want to hurt something.

penis envy

the farther i fall i'm beside you
as lost as i get i will find you
the deeper the wound i'm inside you
for ever and ever i am a part of

I have been drinking too much lately and have so much hate inside my heart I wish I could get out. I woke up forgetting I even fell asleep, found puke in my nose and finished a glass before the afternoon. My only day to sleep in and I am laying in bed trying to figure my whole life out. I get in these ruts in hopes to pull me out of real painful times such as these. I came home early from thrift shopping which I wasn't in the mood for though I was looking foward to it all week. I woke up too early due to my neighbors and still being drunk. I am just disatisfied with a lot and just want to move away again. Chicago is calling, NY is calling, everywhere else is calling. I miss skating around, I miss talking shit and drinking beer in the garage apartment and adventuring around without any man, I miss him leaving early to go into work or whatever, I miss lurking the bookstore for the Satanic Bible and talking about how evil we are over pizza. I could be at an amazing party with all the skaters but I am not, it might be awkward in any case due to my stupid decisions and actions. I have too much on my mind and know I gotta cut ties or else I'll drive myself insane, he'll drive me insane, yknow?? I was with someone so closely, for better or for worse, for a year and a half and now it just disappears. The nice time of the year is coming around and I have nothing to show for myself but to say well I'm in college. But I don't even wanna be there anymore. I know I have to but I don't want to expand my mind in that way, I want real experience. I can drink beer any night, I don't want that life. I don't know what I want. Just loved and respected and free and happy.

it's all over now, baby blue

"I have a no drinking before five policy."
"oh..I tend to open a beer when I wake up mid-afternoon sometimes. It makes the rest of the day go by easier. Take a hit, roll around this house and collapse in a bed again."
"Jesus, and you're only eighteen.."

College is a bit overwhelming. I don't know many people but I try to be copesetic and sweet. I chainsmoke there too much, twiddle the pages of a weathered book trying to avoid eye contact unless it happens, then I just smile. The boy next to me in the my first class tells me I speak to low. "I am sorry..it's just..I'm kind of weird. uhmm..I-you see I just don't like talking-" I hope this gives him a hint I do not want to engage in a conversation or smiling. He interrupts, "Well you know I'm weird too but I like to talk." I look away acting like the conversation never happened; he isn't next to me. I mutter that just isn't me, pull my shorts down to hide the little fades of the musty pink left from my bad days. I walk around aimlessly, slightly lost, figuring out my way, asking random strangers how to get here and there but I don't even listen I just want to know I might be there. That I might be a live.

My mother takes me to the campus and complains about me, she calls it worrying. My earphones are trying to override her voice without being noticeable but her high pitch sinks in. Not even loud politic noise stops hers."I want you to go to the doctor. I think you're sick." "Sick? What do you mean? I am just going through a new phase of my life, I am ok. Stop. See there is still something here.." I force a smile and try assuring her by trying to get her to examine my body. "No, you're not even here anymore. Your face is paler than usual, you say you go out to the beach but I know it isn't true. You can barely fit in clothes and keep buying more but they keep getting bigger and look at you, you're barely looking alive. You say you eat or you say you don't, you barely eat. You drink your coffee and lose yourself in a room and a road that takes you to godknows where. You take my money and say you pay for food but how? Look at you now. " "Mom, I am just pale. It's nothing, it's the medicine. I got my genes from you now, not from dad's side." "Why do you even need birth control? It isn't for acne and who knows if the painful cramps are even real. Are you having sex, who are you sleeping with?" "No one, no one. I don't want to think about this with you around. could you just drive please." She starts to get angry but I look out the window at the traffic, the trees, the shadows hitting the ground from the sun. The way it slashes through the branches and leave and leaves skeletons out on yards. Men are at work sweating at 10am, I clasp my legs and tug at my hair, adjust my sunglasses and lean back. I do not want to be here. I realize I must be concerned walking around campus lonely and awkward and try to thing of ways to pass the day.

It's not even the afternoon and I wish I wasn't awake. My mind doesn't stop when it's dark out, it keeps attacking me, harassing me in my sleep. I wake up tearful an hour after I tried falling asleep; 3am. I am mad with frustration trying to toss and turn back into a comfortable position, the music does not soothe me, it makes it worse. The words become realistic images, the situations occuring in songs are alive in my bedroom, in my head, in my dreams. I think of ways to make everything just stop. Then the other part of me tells me it's an episode and I ought to just lie there maybe I will ease into a slumber. But the thing is it doesn't stop, I don't know what happens and waking up is horrifying. I am ok, nothing is wrong, I am just young and I am just sad.

The day is over with classes, I try and reassure myself I'll get my work done to take my mind off things. But by now, my heart is heavy and it's made me weak again. Too weak to write, too weak to read or use my mind for advantages. I go on with a list of things that disgust me to only further the rage and pain inside even though I wish I didn't. Women and society and laws and the typical American. When I get home I chainsmoke and drink coffee. It fills me with toxic, believing I am not hungry but I cannot recall the last meal I had. I go out and sit on a curb outside the gas station watching every car go by, every person parking or pumping gas and wonder how these lives are. Is everything really like "Married With Children?" or "Friends" and how do I obtain such a lifestyle? A familar black truck pulls up, I get in. We drive around talking about music, life, drinking and the people we used to know real well. I mention my new life. "So are you gonna be one of those elitist assholes who rub it in their friends' faces who do not go to school that they are better than them?" "I never thought of it that way so no, never." The only good thing about going to college is I do have some sort of existence which will prove I am a devoted being to living some sort of life, whatever it is. We wander through record shops while I tease about every album we all used to make fun of, back when things were nicer, reality was further away and by morning all the beer was gone. We leave dissatisfied with the taste in music everyone house, leaving an awful taste in my mouth about our tendencies and perhaps we stay in too much finding much more.

We get coffee and drink three cups within an hour, our waiter lacks. I have a bottle of whiskey inside the car and go home earlier than expected. My parents have arranged a plan to keep me monitored. Eating during dinner, soy milk and such things will be purchased for my consummation. I refuse to understand and admit nor accept such restrictions. I force feed myself in front of them toast and say I have something from getting caught in the rain three times and sitting in all freezing classes. I excuse myself early for bed and drink. Truthfully, yes I will say the only contents are about six cups of coffee, half a pack of cigarettes and a diet cherry soda. Do we both refuse to say outloud something isn't normal? I tried eating but it seems trivial. To prepare the food in anyway, to set a plate or whatever, chew, swallow, digest and revel in the fact I might be full because the children in third world countries would kill for these cupboards which are nearly bare in their own right, at least for me. I tell myself everytime I eat I should be so thankful to live in such a lavish and spoiled country. But sometimes your own brain makes you think, and feel funny things that shouldn't be there. So I must accept the circumstances of myself and continue feeling sick to my stomach. By now, the contents are whiskey and the soda I use to trick myself into not gagging. But by a full glass of the glug-glug-glug of the bottle of Heaven Hill and some soda to try to even it out, I am looking at the television and telling myself I could do this like I always do. Perhaps by the end of this awful night I will have wash away all the awful thoughts or find a unhealthy way to regurgitate them. I have stories that I can only remember if I stare at my thighs and I am alright with admitting it. They are boohoo stories that I just laugh at and say how foolish I am. I do not know how to capture my emotions in true expressions such as crying. Growing up in an Irish-catholic family you learn to realize people have secrets and people know how to keep them but we don't realize or are too stubborn to admit honesty is the best policy and we're all fucked up from our vices.

Ugh thinking about where the person I have been intimate with is right now is enough to make me vomit. I have so much hatred boiling inside me the only person to feel it will be me and my own body and I hate myself for being so aware of this, so casually, so alright with the fact. I really am not but I am just too fucking nice to hurt anyone else anymore. Too weak to.

I am tired of crying. I am tired of things being this way.

do they owe us a living? of course they fucking do!

If you own a Subhumans, Crass, etc. shirt from Hot Topic...you might be one of the biggest douchebags ever. And if you can't tell me the difference between the two Subhumans and not even know which one you like, kill yourself.

That is all. Every other fashionable travesty and contradiction do not bother me that much. Other than that, my mother thinks I have an eating disorder again hahaha. And is trying to get me to see a doctor. Pfft. College was alright, it's gonna be hard to meet common people. What else is new.

know damn well

she never says hi to me no more
and that's a pretty good way for her to even the score
things went bad, i guess it don't mean much
she used to say i was the only one
she never says hi to me no more

she never even looks my way no more
and i can hear her talking through the bedroom door
she's not here for me, cause we're all done
i know damn well i was the only one
i know damn well i was the only one
she never even looks my way no more
she never even looks my way no more

It's my last day of summer before I start college. I don't feel much difference except first day jitters I will never know how to get rid of. The last three years of high school I got drunk every night before school. I was trying tonight but I'm not feeling all that well in my heart. I made a big decision, one I didn't want to do but I have to. I am no one's little weasel and no one makes me a fool of me. I deserve the whole universe if it's love. This is going to be hard, and I am more or less alone again but it only makes me stronger. This has happened before and I got through with it. I just don't want my heart to end up in stone, I just don't like wasting time and my soul on people who just step on it when I love them so dearly. This is a new chapter and again, distance between people has grown more and the fact has been set again they are just no good for me.

there goooes my hero, he's ordinary

Aw look how cute my tattooed big brother is. Saving people and shit, being a fireman. I am about to hit on two of his fellow firemen whenever I visit that firehouse..just saying.

I had an alright day, I miss girl talk at waffle house chainsmoking like no other. I needed that. I don't know what to do about my man who is not my man anyways. I hate to be lied to. It just seems a year and a half, exactly today, was a fucking sham. I don't know.

Pregnant for the last time

I was trying on some things today in a dressing room when I realized I lost most of me. I walked out to the car with my mother and pointed out how I lost some of the "womanly" curves I had. She called it my baby fat. And then it really sunk in; no matter how much weight I ever lost when I used to fret over such things, it wasn't gonna make me happy. Because I lost the weight in the places I used to try and hide away, but I'm still in the same state of unhappiness. So I guess it doesn't matter what nice clothes I put on my body or anything of the sort, it's up to me. I don't even know who I am really anymore, the drugs seemed to make me unfamiliar, those kind aren't even in my system anymore but it seems to have left their effects. I sometimes still feel fuzzy. It's like they disconnected me from the real world, all the people I knew; goodbye, any memory; vanished. I have to start over but I'm in the same place. .

I was just trying to fall asleep after watching television. Then when I realized I only have two more days of sleeping in and so I turned on a light and started drawing for another painting. I wasted a lot of time during the summer. I am trying to figure out how to have the heart to pick myself up and move on. I wish I can figure things out easier, I should have painted more, I should have read every book I set out to read. But there are only four or five done. I should have really found a job instead of being sad. Being sad is like a full time job and completely draining. I wish maybe you kept things to yourself for a few more days until my summer ended, maybe to think it over. But maybe you couldn't keep it in, I just feel cheapened now. I would be pretty happy but I've just been trailed along like a little toy dog, you're just tired of me now, boy.

haha all I did was whine. I really ought to fix this sleeping pattern of mine. I shouldn't be this mopey. I sound silly, oh well I just can't care.

There will always be something to ruin our lives, it all depends on what or which finds us first. We are always ripe and ready to be taken

Having found Bukowski at a tender age, I say he's the grandfather I never had. And I completely appreciate him. Without him, let's say I wouldn't know much about heavy drinking or love, sex or being kind even with an asshole exterior. Happy Birthday, I wish I had a fifth of whiskey right now to celebrate here in my room and read your books out loud.

deathwish

I am clutching the shirt you gave me today. It has a lot of memory and smells a hell of a lot like you. I hope things work out, I'd hate to lose your little soul to love.

human=garbage

I'm just not ready for anything. Fuck this place and fuck leaving me behind. I need to get me back, you've drained me. I've wasted time, I'm bitter right now. I got girly alcholic drinks swishing around. I'll come around, tomorrow better be damn better. Summer just looks like it sucks now.

ugh I hate feeling this way.

sometimes you see right through me..

When I put on the mixes the boy I love made me, I feel barely seventeen again. And I know that wasn't long ago at all. But man, I have changed, and he has changed, everything has changed..

Some of these songs are so hard to listen to. But I remember sneaking off in a shirt-dress with balloons on them to be picked up after talking until 3am drunk in his mom's mustang and his 100 Demons shirt and nylon sweatpants. Things are so vivid from that time. And cooking red rice and beans, and going on real dates and smiling really big. And driving silently, all nervous and kissing in the gazebo late at night and snuggling on the big couch watching Patriot, that was the first time you told me you love me. And the first time you asked me to "really" by your girlfriend. We always talked until it was late and you were the one pushing me to apply to colleges and do well on SATs and get my shit together so I can be happy.

Few people leave impressions on me, let alone the first time of meeting. But I remember how nervous I was, what you were wearing and I was sixteen, chainsmoking in the backseat. Viking night, all the boys and just me searching for viking helmets, picking up vodka and beer. And the first time kissing you during New Year's, I almost fell while getting my tiptoes then running off. Or the time we hung out alone for the first time, and you tried teaching me how to play wii golf and I kept cursing and you kept laughing, and we talked and talked. Drank a twelve pack together and I remember everyone else coming over and how I wish it was just us for some reason then I couldn't understand..Oh yeah and skating drunk with the boys in Harris Teeter parking lot then to the Walmart parking lot and you falling on your ass, then free waffles and coffee at Waffle House at 3am and everyone telling me to shut up. The next morning your mom was not so happy with me being there and you had to get your brother's car to take me to my friend's and we had an awkward kiss goodbye. I am laughing now at how jumbled all of this comes out but I remember everything.

If you ever read this, I am sorry we argue and get mad over stupid shit. I love you. You're the best no matter what you do, or whatever happens.