dark entries

I came upon your room it stuck into my head
We leapt into the bed degrading even lice
You took delight in taking down
All my shielded pride
Until exposed became my darker side

Puckering up and down some avenue of sin
Too cheap to ride they're worth a try
If only for the old times, cold times
Don't go waving your pretentious love


I have a cold and I don't remember the last time I had one but I am too weak. I keep focusing on my work and reading. I don't like who I have become. People ask me for a light on campus and I don't like the way they stare but sometimes I wish they'd engage in some sort of talk, so I won't feel so ugly and weird. But that's just me, I have learned this. It is still always comforting. I have at least an appetite now but I feel like I am getting fat again. I ate lunch with two French boys today, along with Caroline who bought me food. They teased me and called Ms. Green for not eating meat, they were endearing and want me to go with them to see Inglorious Basterds with them. I don't like the way peoples' eyes stare, I feel so uneasy, all this fellow students around me and I am sitting chainsmoking, closing myself off in books and my music and fidgeting. This new chapter in my life is literally cloudly and gloomy, most days it rains, my clothes are too dark, my hair is a mess, my face is a mess and I have no one to make me feel better. When did that ever matter? I guess I got too used to having someone there only for them to so selfishly disappear into some other lover's bed. Oh well, I always manage to grow a harder exterior and maybe I will find someone who isn't scared of a troubled girl with a head full of supposed intimidating knowledge. I am just rambling and need to go take some drugs now to calm me down.

high as a kite, I just might..

Seeing you was strange, I didn't intend on it at all. Nor did I intend on getting all fuzzy and acting like a child. It does not feel right, at all in my heart, to hear you say you wanted something new. Because my mental state is usually weak, especially since the drugs got to me. I am going to keep working hard and waking up early no matter how bad my bones hurt. I should be more of an adult but most days I just wanna take off and not come back. I will hear New York over the phone and the excitement back home, I close my eyes and I can smell that thick air and feel the grates with the subway passing by. Even though I say I must keep movingmoving moving, working working, consuming, learning, etc. I just want to crawl in my bed and hope you'll call like old times. I just want to lay in your bedroom all day like I did not even two weeks ago and do your dishes and fuck up the mac&cheese and drink too many beers and dance around. That made me happy.

I am still hurt and sad but trying to get through it. I don't want it to end on a bitter note but at the same time I do. I guess it's time to rekindle old friendships, bust out the liquor and beer and let it all loose. I'm gonna finally learn to shred like my favorite girlfriends and find myself a skater, according to my sunshine. I'm gonna finally be happy on my own instead of miserable with someone. I deserved a whole world than what I got. I wish I could say we'll be friends but I just don't know how to deal with shit so I am gonna cut him off. I love him so much it's killing me while I was just some damn girl for a year and a half. Four and a half years age difference and from the time I had just turned seventeen to now almost being nineteen, so much happens. And I wish the lies and betrayal never happened, I wish I got my shit together earlier. And I keep telling myself, for some damn reason, that things could turn around. But I feel his excuse for us not getting back together and moving on was just bullshit, a cop out. I am just confused because this happened so fast that this time last week we were so close and making love and I felt like my life was really headed for it's turn but it just kind of crashed.

At least I have been keeping myself occupied more or less. I have so much on my plate, I just wish I could shake the sadness off instead of using drugs and drinking by myself. But I have always coped this way. I just don't know what went wrong finally. I thought we were going through a bad phase, maybe we still are. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be, whatever bullshit. I gotta focus on the things I have always wanted. Like blue hair, and learning about cars, and being interested in school, and getting tattoos and being the person I was meant to really be. I don't know..I just don't know how to get this out of me. I need to keep myself occupied.

what I learned today

I learned to screen the good from the bad in my life, I am not going to take my time being nice to everyone. When I don't want to hold a conversation, I am going to be blunt now. When I am hurt, I am going to be hurt and move on. If I feel cynical, I will indulge in the rage, swim through it's swarming sea of buzzing wasps. I have wasted too much of my life being a push over that I am in fact near the edge of sanity. One more push and I'll be set free. It feels weird to say and I almost feel guilty. But I must be honest with myself and my emotions first before I can handle others. I have been beaten down and broken up into too many pieces, spending most of my days trying to place myself back together but I am not fuckin humpty dumpty and I am only human and I am far too complex to be taken merely for a ride. And you cannot force anything inside yourself like I learned the hard way.

It's good to hear you sad. A consolation prize of love.

Wow I got seriously fucked over. For a slut. A year and a half goes and poof, it's gone. I mean I don't know if she's a slut but her friend called her a slut, and they have both said it about each other. That's the word girls use- slut. People are cruel and awful. I do not belong in this world, I am too nice. It drains too much of my energy.

I thought this wouldn't hurt a lot..

I woke up to my mother trying to make me go to church with her, hungover. She told me I'm a fuck up and need to get my head straight. She knows I don't even believe in God. I laid in bed all day sad and watched Law&Order. I hate things right now, I want to hurt something.

penis envy

the farther i fall i'm beside you
as lost as i get i will find you
the deeper the wound i'm inside you
for ever and ever i am a part of

I have been drinking too much lately and have so much hate inside my heart I wish I could get out. I woke up forgetting I even fell asleep, found puke in my nose and finished a glass before the afternoon. My only day to sleep in and I am laying in bed trying to figure my whole life out. I get in these ruts in hopes to pull me out of real painful times such as these. I came home early from thrift shopping which I wasn't in the mood for though I was looking foward to it all week. I woke up too early due to my neighbors and still being drunk. I am just disatisfied with a lot and just want to move away again. Chicago is calling, NY is calling, everywhere else is calling. I miss skating around, I miss talking shit and drinking beer in the garage apartment and adventuring around without any man, I miss him leaving early to go into work or whatever, I miss lurking the bookstore for the Satanic Bible and talking about how evil we are over pizza. I could be at an amazing party with all the skaters but I am not, it might be awkward in any case due to my stupid decisions and actions. I have too much on my mind and know I gotta cut ties or else I'll drive myself insane, he'll drive me insane, yknow?? I was with someone so closely, for better or for worse, for a year and a half and now it just disappears. The nice time of the year is coming around and I have nothing to show for myself but to say well I'm in college. But I don't even wanna be there anymore. I know I have to but I don't want to expand my mind in that way, I want real experience. I can drink beer any night, I don't want that life. I don't know what I want. Just loved and respected and free and happy.

it's all over now, baby blue

"I have a no drinking before five policy."
"oh..I tend to open a beer when I wake up mid-afternoon sometimes. It makes the rest of the day go by easier. Take a hit, roll around this house and collapse in a bed again."
"Jesus, and you're only eighteen.."

College is a bit overwhelming. I don't know many people but I try to be copesetic and sweet. I chainsmoke there too much, twiddle the pages of a weathered book trying to avoid eye contact unless it happens, then I just smile. The boy next to me in the my first class tells me I speak to low. "I am sorry..it's just..I'm kind of weird. uhmm..I-you see I just don't like talking-" I hope this gives him a hint I do not want to engage in a conversation or smiling. He interrupts, "Well you know I'm weird too but I like to talk." I look away acting like the conversation never happened; he isn't next to me. I mutter that just isn't me, pull my shorts down to hide the little fades of the musty pink left from my bad days. I walk around aimlessly, slightly lost, figuring out my way, asking random strangers how to get here and there but I don't even listen I just want to know I might be there. That I might be a live.

My mother takes me to the campus and complains about me, she calls it worrying. My earphones are trying to override her voice without being noticeable but her high pitch sinks in. Not even loud politic noise stops hers."I want you to go to the doctor. I think you're sick." "Sick? What do you mean? I am just going through a new phase of my life, I am ok. Stop. See there is still something here.." I force a smile and try assuring her by trying to get her to examine my body. "No, you're not even here anymore. Your face is paler than usual, you say you go out to the beach but I know it isn't true. You can barely fit in clothes and keep buying more but they keep getting bigger and look at you, you're barely looking alive. You say you eat or you say you don't, you barely eat. You drink your coffee and lose yourself in a room and a road that takes you to godknows where. You take my money and say you pay for food but how? Look at you now. " "Mom, I am just pale. It's nothing, it's the medicine. I got my genes from you now, not from dad's side." "Why do you even need birth control? It isn't for acne and who knows if the painful cramps are even real. Are you having sex, who are you sleeping with?" "No one, no one. I don't want to think about this with you around. could you just drive please." She starts to get angry but I look out the window at the traffic, the trees, the shadows hitting the ground from the sun. The way it slashes through the branches and leave and leaves skeletons out on yards. Men are at work sweating at 10am, I clasp my legs and tug at my hair, adjust my sunglasses and lean back. I do not want to be here. I realize I must be concerned walking around campus lonely and awkward and try to thing of ways to pass the day.

It's not even the afternoon and I wish I wasn't awake. My mind doesn't stop when it's dark out, it keeps attacking me, harassing me in my sleep. I wake up tearful an hour after I tried falling asleep; 3am. I am mad with frustration trying to toss and turn back into a comfortable position, the music does not soothe me, it makes it worse. The words become realistic images, the situations occuring in songs are alive in my bedroom, in my head, in my dreams. I think of ways to make everything just stop. Then the other part of me tells me it's an episode and I ought to just lie there maybe I will ease into a slumber. But the thing is it doesn't stop, I don't know what happens and waking up is horrifying. I am ok, nothing is wrong, I am just young and I am just sad.

The day is over with classes, I try and reassure myself I'll get my work done to take my mind off things. But by now, my heart is heavy and it's made me weak again. Too weak to write, too weak to read or use my mind for advantages. I go on with a list of things that disgust me to only further the rage and pain inside even though I wish I didn't. Women and society and laws and the typical American. When I get home I chainsmoke and drink coffee. It fills me with toxic, believing I am not hungry but I cannot recall the last meal I had. I go out and sit on a curb outside the gas station watching every car go by, every person parking or pumping gas and wonder how these lives are. Is everything really like "Married With Children?" or "Friends" and how do I obtain such a lifestyle? A familar black truck pulls up, I get in. We drive around talking about music, life, drinking and the people we used to know real well. I mention my new life. "So are you gonna be one of those elitist assholes who rub it in their friends' faces who do not go to school that they are better than them?" "I never thought of it that way so no, never." The only good thing about going to college is I do have some sort of existence which will prove I am a devoted being to living some sort of life, whatever it is. We wander through record shops while I tease about every album we all used to make fun of, back when things were nicer, reality was further away and by morning all the beer was gone. We leave dissatisfied with the taste in music everyone house, leaving an awful taste in my mouth about our tendencies and perhaps we stay in too much finding much more.

We get coffee and drink three cups within an hour, our waiter lacks. I have a bottle of whiskey inside the car and go home earlier than expected. My parents have arranged a plan to keep me monitored. Eating during dinner, soy milk and such things will be purchased for my consummation. I refuse to understand and admit nor accept such restrictions. I force feed myself in front of them toast and say I have something from getting caught in the rain three times and sitting in all freezing classes. I excuse myself early for bed and drink. Truthfully, yes I will say the only contents are about six cups of coffee, half a pack of cigarettes and a diet cherry soda. Do we both refuse to say outloud something isn't normal? I tried eating but it seems trivial. To prepare the food in anyway, to set a plate or whatever, chew, swallow, digest and revel in the fact I might be full because the children in third world countries would kill for these cupboards which are nearly bare in their own right, at least for me. I tell myself everytime I eat I should be so thankful to live in such a lavish and spoiled country. But sometimes your own brain makes you think, and feel funny things that shouldn't be there. So I must accept the circumstances of myself and continue feeling sick to my stomach. By now, the contents are whiskey and the soda I use to trick myself into not gagging. But by a full glass of the glug-glug-glug of the bottle of Heaven Hill and some soda to try to even it out, I am looking at the television and telling myself I could do this like I always do. Perhaps by the end of this awful night I will have wash away all the awful thoughts or find a unhealthy way to regurgitate them. I have stories that I can only remember if I stare at my thighs and I am alright with admitting it. They are boohoo stories that I just laugh at and say how foolish I am. I do not know how to capture my emotions in true expressions such as crying. Growing up in an Irish-catholic family you learn to realize people have secrets and people know how to keep them but we don't realize or are too stubborn to admit honesty is the best policy and we're all fucked up from our vices.

Ugh thinking about where the person I have been intimate with is right now is enough to make me vomit. I have so much hatred boiling inside me the only person to feel it will be me and my own body and I hate myself for being so aware of this, so casually, so alright with the fact. I really am not but I am just too fucking nice to hurt anyone else anymore. Too weak to.

I am tired of crying. I am tired of things being this way.

do they owe us a living? of course they fucking do!

If you own a Subhumans, Crass, etc. shirt from Hot Topic...you might be one of the biggest douchebags ever. And if you can't tell me the difference between the two Subhumans and not even know which one you like, kill yourself.

That is all. Every other fashionable travesty and contradiction do not bother me that much. Other than that, my mother thinks I have an eating disorder again hahaha. And is trying to get me to see a doctor. Pfft. College was alright, it's gonna be hard to meet common people. What else is new.

know damn well

she never says hi to me no more
and that's a pretty good way for her to even the score
things went bad, i guess it don't mean much
she used to say i was the only one
she never says hi to me no more

she never even looks my way no more
and i can hear her talking through the bedroom door
she's not here for me, cause we're all done
i know damn well i was the only one
i know damn well i was the only one
she never even looks my way no more
she never even looks my way no more

It's my last day of summer before I start college. I don't feel much difference except first day jitters I will never know how to get rid of. The last three years of high school I got drunk every night before school. I was trying tonight but I'm not feeling all that well in my heart. I made a big decision, one I didn't want to do but I have to. I am no one's little weasel and no one makes me a fool of me. I deserve the whole universe if it's love. This is going to be hard, and I am more or less alone again but it only makes me stronger. This has happened before and I got through with it. I just don't want my heart to end up in stone, I just don't like wasting time and my soul on people who just step on it when I love them so dearly. This is a new chapter and again, distance between people has grown more and the fact has been set again they are just no good for me.

there goooes my hero, he's ordinary

Aw look how cute my tattooed big brother is. Saving people and shit, being a fireman. I am about to hit on two of his fellow firemen whenever I visit that firehouse..just saying.

I had an alright day, I miss girl talk at waffle house chainsmoking like no other. I needed that. I don't know what to do about my man who is not my man anyways. I hate to be lied to. It just seems a year and a half, exactly today, was a fucking sham. I don't know.

Pregnant for the last time

I was trying on some things today in a dressing room when I realized I lost most of me. I walked out to the car with my mother and pointed out how I lost some of the "womanly" curves I had. She called it my baby fat. And then it really sunk in; no matter how much weight I ever lost when I used to fret over such things, it wasn't gonna make me happy. Because I lost the weight in the places I used to try and hide away, but I'm still in the same state of unhappiness. So I guess it doesn't matter what nice clothes I put on my body or anything of the sort, it's up to me. I don't even know who I am really anymore, the drugs seemed to make me unfamiliar, those kind aren't even in my system anymore but it seems to have left their effects. I sometimes still feel fuzzy. It's like they disconnected me from the real world, all the people I knew; goodbye, any memory; vanished. I have to start over but I'm in the same place. .

I was just trying to fall asleep after watching television. Then when I realized I only have two more days of sleeping in and so I turned on a light and started drawing for another painting. I wasted a lot of time during the summer. I am trying to figure out how to have the heart to pick myself up and move on. I wish I can figure things out easier, I should have painted more, I should have read every book I set out to read. But there are only four or five done. I should have really found a job instead of being sad. Being sad is like a full time job and completely draining. I wish maybe you kept things to yourself for a few more days until my summer ended, maybe to think it over. But maybe you couldn't keep it in, I just feel cheapened now. I would be pretty happy but I've just been trailed along like a little toy dog, you're just tired of me now, boy.

haha all I did was whine. I really ought to fix this sleeping pattern of mine. I shouldn't be this mopey. I sound silly, oh well I just can't care.

There will always be something to ruin our lives, it all depends on what or which finds us first. We are always ripe and ready to be taken

Having found Bukowski at a tender age, I say he's the grandfather I never had. And I completely appreciate him. Without him, let's say I wouldn't know much about heavy drinking or love, sex or being kind even with an asshole exterior. Happy Birthday, I wish I had a fifth of whiskey right now to celebrate here in my room and read your books out loud.

deathwish

I am clutching the shirt you gave me today. It has a lot of memory and smells a hell of a lot like you. I hope things work out, I'd hate to lose your little soul to love.

human=garbage

I'm just not ready for anything. Fuck this place and fuck leaving me behind. I need to get me back, you've drained me. I've wasted time, I'm bitter right now. I got girly alcholic drinks swishing around. I'll come around, tomorrow better be damn better. Summer just looks like it sucks now.

ugh I hate feeling this way.

sometimes you see right through me..

When I put on the mixes the boy I love made me, I feel barely seventeen again. And I know that wasn't long ago at all. But man, I have changed, and he has changed, everything has changed..

Some of these songs are so hard to listen to. But I remember sneaking off in a shirt-dress with balloons on them to be picked up after talking until 3am drunk in his mom's mustang and his 100 Demons shirt and nylon sweatpants. Things are so vivid from that time. And cooking red rice and beans, and going on real dates and smiling really big. And driving silently, all nervous and kissing in the gazebo late at night and snuggling on the big couch watching Patriot, that was the first time you told me you love me. And the first time you asked me to "really" by your girlfriend. We always talked until it was late and you were the one pushing me to apply to colleges and do well on SATs and get my shit together so I can be happy.

Few people leave impressions on me, let alone the first time of meeting. But I remember how nervous I was, what you were wearing and I was sixteen, chainsmoking in the backseat. Viking night, all the boys and just me searching for viking helmets, picking up vodka and beer. And the first time kissing you during New Year's, I almost fell while getting my tiptoes then running off. Or the time we hung out alone for the first time, and you tried teaching me how to play wii golf and I kept cursing and you kept laughing, and we talked and talked. Drank a twelve pack together and I remember everyone else coming over and how I wish it was just us for some reason then I couldn't understand..Oh yeah and skating drunk with the boys in Harris Teeter parking lot then to the Walmart parking lot and you falling on your ass, then free waffles and coffee at Waffle House at 3am and everyone telling me to shut up. The next morning your mom was not so happy with me being there and you had to get your brother's car to take me to my friend's and we had an awkward kiss goodbye. I am laughing now at how jumbled all of this comes out but I remember everything.

If you ever read this, I am sorry we argue and get mad over stupid shit. I love you. You're the best no matter what you do, or whatever happens.

I got a heavy heart. I wish I wasn't staying in this town anymore this autumn. Kerouac was right, Cassady was right, it's better to keep moving; it doesn't matter where you're going, it matters that you're just going. The miles and the highways and interstate are making existance real. I have just woken up from staying up until sunrise. I got your voice in my head and it makes my stomach churn itself all around like a spoon stirring soup, you got me moving in my head. I made some tea, didn't feel talking to anyone, came into my room to smoke a cigarette while I lit some candles, the aroma of smoke and burning wax makes me feel less lonely, takes my mind off thinking crazy. The heat silently floats through my room making it's presense known, uninvited, my skin melts and sticks to itself. A shower would put me in my place, a cozy freezing cold one to waken my senses, turn my brain on. I have a zillion thoughts zooming inside and I can hear her now, asking me if I'd like to go out today, that money doesn't matter. Yesterday it was "You need to get a job, I just can't help you out all the time." I say I already know and tomorrow I will. "Well, don't go in a tube top or vulgar band t-shirt with jeans filled with holes. Wear that nice plaid dress, that one is pretty. You know..go in wearing one of your dresses maybe then you'll get hired." Voices faded in and out of my head, their thoughts colliding with mine like traffic. My heart aches more thinking about you, wondering about all these girls. We are lovers, we are connected whether you or I like it or not. Girls are nothing, I am something strange. If I picked up and left when I got a car, forget about college, about the boy, about human beings and opened myself up to experiences and new people maybe I can gain a new perspective, a less bitter heart and head on my shoulders. My eyes are near virginal at this point and everything from my soul to my feet are jittery and anxious, anticipating a big change.

leechin' & beachin'

Don't be a..

I got a laptop. College starts soon and it fuckin sucks. I keep buying clothes and I hate text messaging and huge, saggy tits with saucer plate nipples. Actually, I'm whiny and am gonna say I hate just about everything except beer. I need a job.

The Times They Are A-changin'

Yes, my guard stood hard when abstract threats

Too noble to neglect

Deceived me into thinking

I had something to protect

Good and bad, I define these terms

Quite clear, no doubt, somehow.

Ah, but I was so much older then,

I'm younger than that now.

It's so late but this is when my mind is wild. I feel at ease, my worry from the last 30 some hours has nearly vanished. Other than my disgust for women (not all) and their weakness to feel somewhat important, by any means necessary..I am alright and know I am immensely a better person for never selling myself short in those senses. I am not even going to explain much further but I am glad I have confidence and stand my ground, no matter what. And being vulgar and baring myself in any case is not my thing, I'm too shy. Therefore, I feel great about myself. Mama taught me well, as did all my other female childhood heroes and my brothers.

As of now, I feel positive about my future. I keep telling myself it's going to be tough for a while but as long as I use the shit to fuel me further, I will eventually be golden. I am not basing this all on my silly daydreams either but keeping myself focused on what I need to do. For once, I will try; and have realistic expectations. I am going to follow through and succeed. I am not going to let anyone or anything fuck this up for me. I have an honest future ahead of me and at least now I am realizing I am fortunate and worked hard enough to get where I am. I am going to make something of myself..

baiting the public

My dad: Who's that on your shirt?

Me: uh...I don't know.

My dad: hahah is that Charles Manson?

Me: yep, nice eye

My Dad: Well, it certainly isn't Jesus, is it?

I thought this was pretty funny when I got home today. Last night was a good night. Walk Hard was a lot funnier than expected, the references were spot on. And Jack White looked inappropriately damn good as Elvis, phew. I cannot handle men with pompadours. And b-movies about serial killers are right on awkward and cheesy but I love it. Afterwards..kissing in the pouring rain at 3am, shirtless, isn't so bad either.

drool

I finally found a decent priced pair of nice looking, bad ass boots that aren't made of leather. From of course...Urban Outfitters.

And also while I was looking, since I am such a sucker for polka dots, tupe top styles, mini things and vintage influenced clothing..

I am fully aware it's nearly 3:30 am but I got caught watching these atrocious shows on Bravo and then John called me with his real life circus clown friend and were telling me how they were going to steal paddle boats from Fresh Meadows in a car that was dented and being held together literally with tin foil, then I had to try and remember the streets of Flushing and where I lived to the circus friend but I struggled with street names. And Death Cab for Cutie just sound so precious at the moment and all my books are calling me. At least I am happy, though I am most certainly over-caffeinated and there's too much nicotine flowing through me. I think too much.

blow me away like a birthday candle

I don't like the high ups and down lows. This is everything until 4am, every single night usually, I try hard to go to sleep then my head just tells me I could be doing so much since I sleep in til 1:30 anyways. I wish we could go back, I wish we were crazy about each other like last summer. But we're growing old and I'm buying college textbooks tomorrow; and this all just makes me sad. I just miss you and wish you weren't so busy being responsible. And I'm trying so hard to make you smile, havin your belly swarmin with butterflies but you don't have the time and we don't have the money not to worry. Summer's losing it's steam and it is slowing down on me but I have so much more yearning inside. I wish I was a fortune teller and I wish I could read your mind. I wish I could undo all our mistakes with the snap of my fingers.

oh that's funny

So my mom almost totally met Betsey Johnson at work the other day.

Girl, I made the same face when I heard. I could be incredibly dirty but I won't..

And according to mama, I have about a dozen shades of red in my hair and it's a hot mess. Wait until I get around to the blue. I gotta dye some of my clothes too, and cut up some and make some new things. I've been too lazy though..I spent too much on clothes this past summer but I'm still unsatisfied with my wardrobe. For someone who despises materialism and superficialism, I hate to admit I enjoy dressing up and looking somewhat appropriate; at least to my standards.

I'm done.

When routine bites hard and ambitions are low

And resentment rides high but emotions won't grow

And we're changing our ways, taking different roads

Then love, love will tear us apart again

Love, love will tear us apart again