I was trying on some things today in a dressing room when I realized I lost most of me. I walked out to the car with my mother and pointed out how I lost some of the "womanly" curves I had. She called it my baby fat. And then it really sunk in; no matter how much weight I ever lost when I used to fret over such things, it wasn't gonna make me happy. Because I lost the weight in the places I used to try and hide away, but I'm still in the same state of unhappiness. So I guess it doesn't matter what nice clothes I put on my body or anything of the sort, it's up to me. I don't even know who I am really anymore, the drugs seemed to make me unfamiliar, those kind aren't even in my system anymore but it seems to have left their effects. I sometimes still feel fuzzy. It's like they disconnected me from the real world, all the people I knew; goodbye, any memory; vanished. I have to start over but I'm in the same place. .
I was just trying to fall asleep after watching television. Then when I realized I only have two more days of sleeping in and so I turned on a light and started drawing for another painting. I wasted a lot of time during the summer. I am trying to figure out how to have the heart to pick myself up and move on. I wish I can figure things out easier, I should have painted more, I should have read every book I set out to read. But there are only four or five done. I should have really found a job instead of being sad. Being sad is like a full time job and completely draining. I wish maybe you kept things to yourself for a few more days until my summer ended, maybe to think it over. But maybe you couldn't keep it in, I just feel cheapened now. I would be pretty happy but I've just been trailed along like a little toy dog, you're just tired of me now, boy.
haha all I did was whine. I really ought to fix this sleeping pattern of mine. I shouldn't be this mopey. I sound silly, oh well I just can't care.
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