I got a heavy heart. I wish I wasn't staying in this town anymore this autumn. Kerouac was right, Cassady was right, it's better to keep moving; it doesn't matter where you're going, it matters that you're just going. The miles and the highways and interstate are making existance real. I have just woken up from staying up until sunrise. I got your voice in my head and it makes my stomach churn itself all around like a spoon stirring soup, you got me moving in my head. I made some tea, didn't feel talking to anyone, came into my room to smoke a cigarette while I lit some candles, the aroma of smoke and burning wax makes me feel less lonely, takes my mind off thinking crazy. The heat silently floats through my room making it's presense known, uninvited, my skin melts and sticks to itself. A shower would put me in my place, a cozy freezing cold one to waken my senses, turn my brain on. I have a zillion thoughts zooming inside and I can hear her now, asking me if I'd like to go out today, that money doesn't matter. Yesterday it was "You need to get a job, I just can't help you out all the time." I say I already know and tomorrow I will. "Well, don't go in a tube top or vulgar band t-shirt with jeans filled with holes. Wear that nice plaid dress, that one is pretty. You know..go in wearing one of your dresses maybe then you'll get hired." Voices faded in and out of my head, their thoughts colliding with mine like traffic. My heart aches more thinking about you, wondering about all these girls. We are lovers, we are connected whether you or I like it or not. Girls are nothing, I am something strange. If I picked up and left when I got a car, forget about college, about the boy, about human beings and opened myself up to experiences and new people maybe I can gain a new perspective, a less bitter heart and head on my shoulders. My eyes are near virginal at this point and everything from my soul to my feet are jittery and anxious, anticipating a big change.