I am still hurt and sad but trying to get through it. I don't want it to end on a bitter note but at the same time I do. I guess it's time to rekindle old friendships, bust out the liquor and beer and let it all loose. I'm gonna finally learn to shred like my favorite girlfriends and find myself a skater, according to my sunshine. I'm gonna finally be happy on my own instead of miserable with someone. I deserved a whole world than what I got. I wish I could say we'll be friends but I just don't know how to deal with shit so I am gonna cut him off. I love him so much it's killing me while I was just some damn girl for a year and a half. Four and a half years age difference and from the time I had just turned seventeen to now almost being nineteen, so much happens. And I wish the lies and betrayal never happened, I wish I got my shit together earlier. And I keep telling myself, for some damn reason, that things could turn around. But I feel his excuse for us not getting back together and moving on was just bullshit, a cop out. I am just confused because this happened so fast that this time last week we were so close and making love and I felt like my life was really headed for it's turn but it just kind of crashed.

At least I have been keeping myself occupied more or less. I have so much on my plate, I just wish I could shake the sadness off instead of using drugs and drinking by myself. But I have always coped this way. I just don't know what went wrong finally. I thought we were going through a bad phase, maybe we still are. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be, whatever bullshit. I gotta focus on the things I have always wanted. Like blue hair, and learning about cars, and being interested in school, and getting tattoos and being the person I was meant to really be. I don't know..I just don't know how to get this out of me. I need to keep myself occupied.