penis envy

the farther i fall i'm beside you
as lost as i get i will find you
the deeper the wound i'm inside you
for ever and ever i am a part of

I have been drinking too much lately and have so much hate inside my heart I wish I could get out. I woke up forgetting I even fell asleep, found puke in my nose and finished a glass before the afternoon. My only day to sleep in and I am laying in bed trying to figure my whole life out. I get in these ruts in hopes to pull me out of real painful times such as these. I came home early from thrift shopping which I wasn't in the mood for though I was looking foward to it all week. I woke up too early due to my neighbors and still being drunk. I am just disatisfied with a lot and just want to move away again. Chicago is calling, NY is calling, everywhere else is calling. I miss skating around, I miss talking shit and drinking beer in the garage apartment and adventuring around without any man, I miss him leaving early to go into work or whatever, I miss lurking the bookstore for the Satanic Bible and talking about how evil we are over pizza. I could be at an amazing party with all the skaters but I am not, it might be awkward in any case due to my stupid decisions and actions. I have too much on my mind and know I gotta cut ties or else I'll drive myself insane, he'll drive me insane, yknow?? I was with someone so closely, for better or for worse, for a year and a half and now it just disappears. The nice time of the year is coming around and I have nothing to show for myself but to say well I'm in college. But I don't even wanna be there anymore. I know I have to but I don't want to expand my mind in that way, I want real experience. I can drink beer any night, I don't want that life. I don't know what I want. Just loved and respected and free and happy.