Her hair was raven and her heart was like a tomb. My heart's like a wound.

Sometimes I think of that night that held onto the fate of my soulmate and I by a thread for the last seven months of my life. The clanking of bottles, and the blurriness of everything, the fast pace of my heart out of fear where I was going for the night, standing outside the show with the train hopping punks, sharing a coke bottle of rum waiting for a familar face to come out. How I kept drinking out of the fact I had nowhere to go and everyone I knew left without me. And a boy is whispering in my ear to leave town with him and his friends and their puppy and do what I really want. And I can think of you at home and how I missed you so much but it ached missing you because it was like inside me I knew something terrible would happen that night. And they appeared, my big tattooed buddies saying I could come crash with them, save me from being swept by stinky crust punks. We walk down an alley and we all talk in awe of how that was one of the best shows we all ever seen but deep down I am still worried about how I know what it's like to not know where you're staying for the night. And inside the car, at the gas station ,all squished in, someone get a case of beer. We're gonna drink all night, all of us and have a good time. But it doesn't happen and I keep thinking of how much I love you and wish you could have just picked me up outside, alone, at 2am and let me sleep in your car, or on your mother's couch. But it couldn't happen, I was out there on my own. In his bedroom, it's nearly empty, no bed. There he puts on music and I still have trouble listening to that album to this day. We're laying on the floor, I can't feel or think straight and I really just wanna die. But he puts his tongue in my mouth and it's stiff and feels like sandpaper. And the next thing my clothes are being ripped and I can't go on but you heard about the blood stain carpet and how I got quiet and I told him to get off. I could see his knees all cut up, soaking the floor with his blood. And he's on top again and he doesn't even look me in the eye so I close mine and try not to cry and I tell him stop, and I rush out of the room outside to call you and pretend it's alright. I look down the street, it's the ghetto, 4am. And I wasn't a big enough of a woman to tell you the truth then so I wish you a good day at work and you knew what was happening, where I was, who I was with. And it was the worst night of my night. All my things...drinking...music...being carless...lonely...caught up to me and because of me being weak, I lost the most amazing and fucked up person I ever knew. This is the most personal thing I've kept inside me until now. I think about it all the time, how we'd be ok now, how we'd be so beautiful. And all he kept asking was if I'd kiss him and that he was sorry I was just so pretty and he kept just smiling where all Iwanted to do was run off and disappear from here completely. He wanted to hold me the whole night, while I slept on my side and he put his arms around me and I tried not to cry and worry. In the morning, he kept trying to snuggle with me and I kept staring at the door in front of me and how I wonder what it would be like to just be a goddamn door, anything but a human and feeling this. We went out for breakfast with the whole gang, he tried buying me breakfast but I left money for my food, didn't even sit with him but I felt his eyes glancing, because in the car he kept talking so awful about you and tried putting his arm around me cause all of us couldn't fit in the back. And you came to the restaurant when I stayed after everyone else left and in the car you could tell and I wouldn't say it until we were alone. Then, I told you, and then, you dropped me off on the side of the road near my house and I just slept and I don't want to think about this anymore, don't want to talk about it anymore, I want to set it free, I hate it. I hate it, how could I have been so foolish? To be the girls I despise, how could I be so weak to let my lesser half get the best of me.

I just want us to mutually have the same magic we had. We were, even with the secrets, completely unstopable, no one could touch us and how poor we were. Cause fuck, we were so damn happy in our lovey-dovey sense. How could anyone ever compare to me? Or you? You gave me this heart of gold cause you allowed me to love you beyond anything I wanted to feel for someone. blah. I neevr felt so strange..I am so worried right now, so sad. I am always sad and worried and you tell me I deserve more than this but I don't want anything else. I am fighting this battle because I feel it in my gut and I'm gonna pursue it and if I told who I ripped that line off, you'd just laugh and do an impression of him. Goddamnit, I love you and I'll have been all crazy about you for two years in two weeks. It's not on your girlfriend's birthday- but you're close. Add a one infront of the three. Aren't we both crazy? I just lied in your bed crying all afternoon Saturday while it rained and felt you crush me beneath your arms.

Said I'll never leave you, No I'll never leave you
It's not the end, No it's not the end

You're jealous again
You're jealous again
You're jealous again
and again and again
and again and again
and again and again

and you're running away..

I am going to leave this town. And I know it's for the best. I'm wasting too much of my youth here waiting around for nothing. There is a wonderful, beautiful place out there for me that I will fit in like a glove.

kind of funny how something so soothing is interrupted by the ring of a telephone

I was just sitting by your side an hour ago while you talked to your girlfriend and she is aware of who I once was in your life. And now I am just some ghostly reminder of such a person. We drank bourbon out in your father's driveway with your uncle, passing the bottle around, smoking cigarettes. He gave us some valium to which I am relieve will be in my system soon. I tried getting clean, in the sense I ought to do things on my own, without anything or anyone. We will, again, try to distance ourselves for supposedly my sake but I haven't had any qualms. Is she really even "intimidated" by me, of all people? I am merely a girl who gets her shit done, or tries to at least and has pop culture engrained in her measly brain, and occasionally has good taste in clothing and a carefree attitude. Is that frightening? You are the same person, which isn't the greatest thing but at least these girls come after you, like me, so blind to the truth of your nature. They all want to be loved, they don't care by who, as long it comes in a handsome package and false promises of togetherness. While I know who I want to love me, and have that in this fucked up sense but I am unwilling to love just anyone nor have anyone love me, that's just the biggest disgrace in people I see. Such flawed, needy characters who seem to devour any affection they can get. I'd rather be alone than fake my heart. Eventually, they all find out you. It was me who did not care and got over things.

I am not weak for loving you, I am not weak for staying. My only weakness is the fact I tried to give you up but I keep coming back for more. I defeated my purpose in hopes of reconciliation. It isn't working out and now I'm miserable with a headfull of pills. Saying a person is too good for you is a goddamn cop out and you're using it with every inch of your miniscule existance.

I drank a whole pint of gin to myself last night and wish I hadn't. I thought clear liquor was my answer but it definitely was not. I hate when I have these days where I am sick of life.

disintegration

Oh man, I am not gonna say it but at least I'm smiling at a quarter after 3am.. Maybe it's the Cure playing, who knows. At least tomorrow is Friday. I almost hate you now, and I'm fine with that concept. And I almost hope you constantly have misfortune in your life at this very instant. The things that happen to you occur because you remain selfish through all your acts and are ignorant to reconciling things and improving on your awful habits as a person and how you treat others. You're frustrated with the way life hands itself over to you? Think of the way you treat others emotions, like a a bed of flowers you trample over. That is all I have to say right now.

I want someone new.

I and love and you..

I dyed a bunch of my hair blue last night, sat in the bathroom with a fly listening to music cleaning up all the blue dye off my fingers. I got a cup of coffee and five cigarettes left for the rest of tonight. I decided yesterday I am takin a train back to the city as soon as I can and staying with my truest of true friends since I haven't seen him in over two years and he has a pompadour now. I got an A- on the paper I wrote drunk and a B on the one I wrote hungover the night before, weird. I wish I didn't feel so down right now, I have nothing to take my mind off this. I think tomorrow I am going to the park with Chris and enjoy nature and bring a case of beer with us or something.

Those hards are really hard to say after a while especially since someone else is saying them to you. Don't cry with me anymore if you're going to make me cry more alone. It's hard to call when you said I could at 3am and my mind won't shut up and all the caffeine and nicotine are racing around, and the bed won't hold me right like I need to be held and I wish it were you..

oh my god

I will trace your voice and follow it through the cracks like a wire to the wall. I will pull you out from beneath by the sound of you calling and I will hold you like my own and love you like only I could. I won't stop to cry; remain in the light. I will not hold back from kissing your forehead or pulling off the sweaty, greasy strands off from it. This isn't a wreckage and we can pull ourselves out of this one. I'm down the street, at the end of the road, the streetlights are turning on, flickering to life like fireflies, the sky's electric blue vanishes, a black velvet cape covers itself and brings out the latterned stars. I'm standing on a corner, turning left, running down the road to your house, and you don't know it, the blisters on my feet throb and burst with blood but I keep on going towards your house and I don't stop, not even when my breath is catching up to me. This is it, this is all I have in my heart and I have to get it. I hear your voice and I follow down the road near the river, the cars pass me by and their speed hits against my frail frame but I keep pushing. I'm a mess, I'm weird and crazy but I don't care what anyone thinks of me with my bookbag hitting against the sweat dripping down my back cause I know I have to get to you to fall beside your knees so I can look up and see you smile so I can feel my smile come across my face. No one knows what I go through and it isn't because I'm embarassed, no one would understand the length of love and determination I find inside myself I must let out. This lion in it's weary cage, it's restless paws and scream. I must let this all out. I am stepping over long patches of grass, feeling things crawl up my scrawny legs but I don't even bother to get them off, my heart is racing like my legs, I won't stop to look around, I am running away from my dreary reality, I am going to end up inside a little house with whiskey fueling my little tank, preventing me from being boring, giving me my stories their time to be told. So I speak loud and I tell everyone proud I am in love and I am not scared anymore of the future. I am not scared to be hurt, but I know at least my love is honest and at least I'm an honest being. I am beyond pure, I am untouchable. I can now see the edge of this road winding, I look up to the bridge and now I am so close I can taste the salt on your skin and the dirt on your fingertips and I can the television and the little voices coming from inside. The house is so close that I go over the bridge, alone, trying to fight off feeling strange and I am past the grocery store and the little strip malls and I am going to keep going. Maybe you won't be too mad. If someone made me as unhappy as you think you have, you think I'd be fucking insane enough to walk this far and long to see them.

I don't even know what I'm saying. Kerouac said..“Write in recollection and amazement for yourself.” I owe a lot to Kerouac, it's kinda funny what words do to your brain and the movement of your heart and arms and legs and heart. I just wanna leave, I wanna go. Just go, leave. I don't care about money or yelling or responsibility. But it's funny now I am trying to get it together for myself so people will love me raw instead of seeing me as some silly, lose, careless little girl. I think I am tired of being seen this way because they all forget who I am and how strong I honestly am.

It isn't like you'll read this, maybe you will. I don't know, you haven't read my stuff since last fall. Other than my paper last week which was impersonal. You read a year and a half of my life straight through. You were there with me blacking out and hitting the kitchen floor, you were holding my hand during my cat scan and laughing after the cops left not giving me a drinking ticket or taking me home to my parents when Iwas fifteen, you were going 80 around curves of the roads with my friends and me, marijuana flowing out the windows, and you sat on my bed with me and listened to music all summer days and read Ginsberg's "Howl" with me. I miss that connection.

She Wakes When She Dreams - Lucero

This song..right now. I've been sitting outside watching the rain pretty much all day today and managed to do better than most of my class on my African American history paper. I am doing a crafting, reading, painting night tonight I think. I stayed up until 4am last night listening to the rain. The rain always puts me in weird, romantic and kind of sad moods. I sound dumb, whatever.

All You Need Is..me

So it seems Morrissey is touring America again, which is somewhat a relief, though there are only currently West coast dates but I'll keep hopeful. The last time I saw him in March was really disappointing and I was afraid I'd never see him live again but see guys, Morrissey did it again. He's gonna come see me as usual and throw me his shirt again.


I don't want college anymore, I want to stay in my room with my music and write. Addison called me late to inform me I just might have poison ivy and since apparently I'm a city girl he thought he'd tell me how to take care of it. I think it's just a shitload of bug bites. I have forgotten my past and roots and what I came from. I must keep going on. I watched that Pam Anderson and Brett Michaels sex tape out of curiosity and it was dreadfully boring if I do say so myself.

I put a spell on you

I definitely keep having awesome dreams about Henry Rollins and everytime my parents totally approve him, age difference, tattoos and all. We drove around in my dream and he adored me. We went looking at apartments or something and my brother was in town and Henry and I got along well and acted like little kids. I wish I could dream like that all the time, lately my dreams have kept me awake all night. And for some reason this certain dream felt so real I ended up talking about his stand up, like I can fuckin remember this! "So..I was watching this video of you talking about girls and dates and the whole Hig Fidelity Top 5 thing and well....it's awesome someone is totally looking for a girl like me." Haha sure I am clearly embarassing myself admitting all of this but oh well. He drove an awesome van and then it broke down and I had on combat boots. Why do I remember all of this?



Caroline's gonna be pissed. But I can't seem to find my own man except everyone else's, see what I mean? I sound so insincere and awful. I miss this person so much but he already someone new but yet again he fucked up. I seem to love someone who just can't get it right.

my baby's all growns up!

Well yesterday to say the least, was as usual a manic, wild adventure of some sorts. I went out to eat with an old friend and he bought my food and drove me all the way to the beach where I preceded to hang out with the dudes all dancing in unison to House of Pain drunk. I played soccer by myself intensely for some time and drank too much. I watched the person I was about to fall asleep next to have an undercover cop walk into the room and arrest him, at 3am, with me in my underwear and a Johnny Thunders shirt. Needless to say, another night of hating cops and freaking out with the others in the house. The cop threatened me that if I went down to bail him out, he'd give me a dui. "Uh...I don't even have a car, I was going to walk.." "I don't care, I'll give you one anyways." Fuck tha police. So I spent the better half of the night after 3am waiting around for the guys to bail his ass out and then having to try and find him since they lost him. Walking around Carolina Beach again buying cigarettes and searching for him, he beat me to the house and it was an emotional time. I hate anger and violence. Swingers was on and I just ignored the hatred and waited until everyone calmed down. We sat outside finishing up the leftover beers and then finally got into bed at 5am.

I don't know what to say about my life, I think I am unsatisfied and trying so damn hard. I never wanna see the person I love the most, my best friend, get arrested in front of me and be disrespected by some fucking undercover cop. Today, I felt sad and fidgeted and took a walk to get food by myself, I thought about staying positive but my heart hurt. Coming back, a boy from my high school gave me a hug and told me I smelled like college, he was at the church up the street. They wouldn't let me over to get a free tye-dye jesus shirt, but I guess it's ok since my shirt said "Dead to me" and had a jaguar holding a gun and knife. There's a new puppy at the house I'm in love with and a little boy played with me in the kennel since we are both small. After being sad and all jumbled up, we laid in bed and talked about life. I don't know what's going to happen, I wish I wasn't a lazy piece of shit because I have things going for me but I'm fucking up. I love you too much, they'd have you for lunch. I'm all crazy right after early beer and McDonald's. I need a job, I need a car, I need a new place to stay. My parents despise me more each day and I thought I'd be over this by college but no. I have to do a lot for myself.

coast to coast

Monday night I stayed out at a certain someone's. I don't know. I wrote a paper, drank some beers. It should not have been happening but I was glad to wake up next to him though I was stuck at the beach, missing my classes. Today, I got stopped by some religious people who kept insisting I find God and take the time to read some book, the First Testament?, I think and I don't understand why others can't accept others don't believe in anything but are still striving to make a worthy existence for themselves and to continue to be good person, with flaws and "sins" without the promise of some so called afterlife. I wasn't rude or anything but the lady was shaken when after her first question, "What do you think it takes to get to heaven?".."Oh ma'am I don't think there is such a place to get to." Don't you understand others challenge those thoughts and being?

Last stop for a resolution
End of the line, is it confusion?
So go, go see what's there for you
Nothing new, nothing new for you to use
I've got no new act to amuse you
I've got no desire to use you, you know
But anything that I could do
Would never be good enough for you
If you can't help it, then just leave it alone
Leave it alone, yeah, just forget it
It's really easy
I believe I'll forget it too
Still you're keeping me around
Until I finally drag us both down
Streaming feathers out your hat
Yes, I believe that's where it's at
You belong tagging along
And I belong in your zoo
So I wait for confirmation
That you're never going to use your starting gun
Unless it's me it sounds like being here
Just wasn't that much fun
Anything that I could do
Would never be good enough for you
If you can't help it, then just leave it alone
Leave me alone, yeah, just forget it
It's really easy
I'll just forget it too
Coast to coast, coast to coast
I'll do what I can so you can be what you do
Coast to coast, coast to coast
I'll do everything I can so you can be what you do
Coast to coast, coast to coast
Circuit rider comes every fifth Sunday
Oh my lord, I fell asleep one day
Anything that I could do
Is there anything that I could do?
That someone doesn't do for you
That someone didn't do for you
That I haven't already done for you

gonna rise above!

I am so glad I went to the pawn shop with Addison and his dad yesterday cause I got American Hardcore and it's makin me feel so much fucking better about things right now. It sounds really lame but I am glad punk rock will always be there no matter what sort of jokes there are out there. And plus, I got Marie Antoinette and the Addams Family. The storyline for Marie Antoinette was kind of weak, but I love Sofia Copolla's films for the filmography, and how beautiful everything is. It had that awesome Adam Ant take on the outfits back then. I have decided if I ever get married I am going to have an awesome dress like one out of that movie, for sure. And that hair, ugh I wish I had my hair like that everyday and went to these lavish parties with Siouxsie & The Banshees blaring in the background. Plus, any movie with my favorite song of all time, "Ceremony" by New Order, is a complete win all the way.

I sound really lame and feel super bad about the way things turned out. I really don't wanna lose my best friend, you know? I've known him for two years and it just seems like things won't change and even when he says I'm too good of a person to be with him, I don't know whether to believe it or not. It's pretty crushing, I'm not used to this. Because to begin with, I don't even like dealing with people since I'm gonna get attached and I just don't trust people in general. And then you have to like open yourself up and get close and decide whether or not you're gonna allow yourself to be that way with someone; or anyone. It's stupid, I feel like a whiny little kid. I just don't wanna lose the person I love the most and have dealt with so much shit with, considering I am getting things together for myself and learning to become more responsible with my life. A lot has happened within the past year and I've had a lot of revelations about things. Maybe things will turn around, but it's that I worry so much about him since I know things are getting real hard for him now and all I'm trying to do is get my shit together soon enough so I can finally, for once, really help him out. I'll always be the person to walk the beach with him in the middle of the summer with bookbags, without a car and bring bars and buy us french fries, always. That's just what you're supposed to do when you have a best friend. I don't give a shit if things happen in between, I know I can't be immature and cut him off like I do with everyone, he's gotta stay in my life. It sucks at the moment because we can't have the way we want it, the way it's supposed to be. But I can overlook mistakes, and pain and figure out to learn to trust again as long as I can keep him. It's not even like it's his decision that we're disconnecting but it's been mine and it's my only defense mechanism to tell him to fuck off, like "You hurt me, you won't let me have any real say in the relationship so fuck you, this has all been a waste of time." But that's so immature and I gotta deal with things. I have to get my life set first before I can even begin to really try and make a loving commitment but I keep trying my damndest day in and day out and at least that gives me hope: I have something to look foward to.

what ever happened to?

Thank you for making love to me as the sun rose, and for then breaking my heart. I know we aren't going to be us because someone else is there. And there's all these whispers and you know how people talking makes me so nervous and introverted. But we are in love but the hourglass is running us out It's quite alright. I got too drunk last night and walked around the streets towards the beach at 5am crying without a place to stay. We collapsed into the floor during a mild scuffle that led to us laughing in a shocking agony, my polka dot dress up all around my waist. "we were...only playing around, sorry." I admitted my most painful secret only for it to be smashed in my face. We fought, we broke through, we cried together and we settled our decision. I rode a bicycle and rode it straight into a car, busting up my index finger, my feet are cut up and I walked around the better half of today dirty and groggy. I ate a delicious meal with you and your father at that little Italian place, but the food just killed us and our late night drinking states. We stayed in until he picked us up, and you brushed my teeth for me while I tried to find hairclips to pin back the mess. We sat in your bed in underwear trying to blow bubbles, you saying in disbelief, "I honestly didn't think you actually bought bubbles just for this occasion." But you know me. We sat outside during the sunset smoking cigarettes outside in your father's drive way talking of what had to be done, as sad as it sounds. But I am up for a challenge and hate being the other woman but I suppose I won't be any sort of entity now.

An indirect compliment

Halloween plans&ideas with John.

helturskeltur: i am gonna dress up as siouxsie
tournesolseed: you mean like you look every day
helturskeltur: but sexified

It's quite true, I wish it were only perfect. And excuse the fact I ignored using grammar/capitalization. I've been dressing like I fell out of some Tim Burton movie or a Blondie music video since I can remember. I don't want to change. I got butterflies in my stomach at the moment.

paint a vulgar picture

Your favorite singer of all time, (Morrissey), is releasing a b-sides album but you already have all of the songs because when you were fourteen you re-bought the reissue of You Are The Quarry for those b-sides, downloaded others, and had a boyfriend when you were seventeen surprise with the b-sides to Ringlead of the Tormentors on vinyl. Call me fucking nuts but I love my Morrissey and am only a little excited about this release. The sad thing is I have all these damn songs but fuck it, I'm gonna go out and buy this anyways. I am also going to go and buy every single Smiths reissue on vinyl from my local record store. Why? It makes me feel good, like chocolate or shoes. I don't understand it, I already have those songs in my posession. Maybe this makes me pretentious, I hope not. Though, the fact he is doing this with his record company now seems highly hypocritical compared to the Morrissey I loved from the Smiths era. I am barely nineteen and I am so frantic and in love with Morrissey, there will never been any difference from before puberty and now. I still feel more or less the same.

And I won't even go into Modest Mouse's EP considering most of those b-sides are more or less old, or at least I have them. I am pathetic human being without a life. I miss you. This is why I am single, too much useless, intimidating knowledge. This isn't charming, it's quite discomforting and disarming..

I miss New York terribly whenever I see pictures of it, or see it on television. I want to walk all those streets again soo bad. It's been a little over two years and this is the longest we've been apart. I want a real autumn, I miss walking to school with the orange sky and the skeleton trees and watch all the cars, buses and people pass me by, I want to disappear as a little dot in that place. I miss the trash, the glamour, the crazy people, the rich snooty people and drinking 40s in the train station looking for Tags on the subway and up high on buildings like stars in the sky. I want the streetlights to guide me home and hear all the music from all parts of the world flow out into the streets and all the aromas from the Greeks, Chinese, Spanish and Hindus. I want a good cup of coffee for a dollar from the Muslims and I want a bagel with cream cheese perfect with my Arizona iced tea. I want to meet all that boy in the park again and make out with him there all day, kind of. I want to take the bus to main street with John and find the Main St. Pimp. Man, so much to answer for, Queens. I need to go home.

I think I was in such a nice mood today that I bought some bubbles, paints and more sunglasses.

Who knows about the future, that place is for vultures! Glad it's almost Wednesday. I am getting even more sick of the Beatles, at least it keeps my Beatles obsessive father content. I know too much about a band I am not even fond of, let me tell you. Hell, I'm wearing a damn Paul McCartney shirt right now, it was my dad's back in the day.

And in the streets you run afree,
Like it's only you and me,
Geeze, you're something to see.

[Both:]
Ahh Home. Let me go home.
Home is wherever I'm with you.
Ahh Home. Let me go ho-oh-ome.
Home is wherever I'm with you.

La, la, la, la, take me home.
Daddy, I'm coming home.



I sang this song to myself in the streets, running barefoot in the rain from a drunk driving friend's dead car in Carolina Beach drunk myself, praying no cops would arrest me. I ran straight to your house and into your arms and you locked us in and turned off the lights and we hid in your room. I still love you so much and these past two weeks have been horribly strange and painful but either things tied together last night, this morning and today or this might have made it worse but I don't know. I just loved the past two days, I drank in the park and went record shopping and ate sandwiches with one of my best friend's. We got lunch with your father and went record shopping again and I bought a shitton of records and the dudes at the shop were in love with me and you just smiled the entire time. We were affectionate and free like little kids in Best Buy singing "Let's Get it On" and playing Batman and running around scaring each other, just like the old times. You seem to appreciate my spirit much more when you're in shambled states, but this time you have me to fall back on, if you give me the time. I love you I love you, I miss you already.

I wrote Holden Caulfield

I wanna get over my cold and I'm outta my awesome night time medicine which makes me feel all cozy and completely at peace. I have to write a paper deciphering whether or not slavery came before racism, and if they had anything to do with one another to begin with. Learning from African American history class, I realize it at first wasn't, but I don't know how to start out this paper and it's my first for college. I really love that class, I can't wait to get into more modern, contemporary history in there. We're getting along, I am making plans and calling people. There's a house party at the beach tonight but who knows if I'm gonna go, I feel all gross. It'd be good to see everyone from high school though, at least the people I know. I got a three day weekend and all I did last night was read, paint and craft it up. I also spent 200$ on punk shirts, at least I got a lawrence arms hoodie finally and shirts I've wanted forever, it's like thirteen year old me got this money for the government and is blowin it all on shit, as usual. Tomorrow might either be really great or really shitty. Love Language is playing downtown, and you and I might get together. I keep taking vitamin c cause you said it works wonders for colds, and hoping I can get over this. I am driving much better. I am trying to keep positive and am not going to bother worrying about my heart. I've been chainsmoking too much and it's definitely not helping with my gnarly coughs. I don't know, I got to sleep in and life is going to be ok.

I'm single and it's raining..

I think I enjoy being single too much once I finally get over all the boo-hooeyness of break ups. Maybe it's because you're still calling but we get along grand when we aren't together. But I enjoy my alone time a whole lot. All my passions resume their chaotic state. I can now consume books in my natural state of devouring them all at once. I do not have to worry about someone else so much but focus on painting, and watching all my favorite movies or documentaries. I can get my work done. I have always been an independent person in the sense I did not, nor feel like I wanted or needed, to have a constant companion of any sort around me. I am a pretty isolated person in the sense. I have my bad days which I get through.

Tonight it is Flight To Canada, and finally opening up the huge Oscar Wilde book I have had since I was fifteen and yet to even read a single page. These are the sort of things that keep my existance worthy of even feeling alive. I might even get a head start on my paper that is due for Tuesday. I have a three day weekend, and I plan on one night out if applicable towards the end. I am disciplining myself I think. But who knows..if given the chance I would gladly be out on the town drinking tomorrow night. I just don't have the urgency as I did this time last week nor the week before to be out and about to take my mind off things anymore. I just hope it isn't all the drunk calls I am getting. Or something. I'll assume it in a sense though, to keep a distance between us.

cause I can dish it out...

but I can't take it

I just don't know what to do about you. I had let go of the angst and sadness but now here you are, expecting my shoulder to cry on. And I let you. Why? Because I love you and I forgive, and I forget and I move on. I don't know. You don't deserve this misfortune again and I would gladly go through all the suffering again with you. I don't know why, not at all. But I would. You know this too. You need this spirit to guide through the hard times.