ain't so lonely

I want tonight to be just us. I wanna pick us up two 5ths of whiskey, some sandwiches and we can just watches movies and talk. Talk like old times and smile, forgetting all the bad things. Listen to some Lucero like that one garage apartment night when you weren't supposed to fall asleep with me. I hope something transpires. I feel all wired and excited, Fridays do it to me.

the filth and the fury!

Somedays I wouldn't mind dismantling myself from the female sex. Girls just take the piss out of me and the more I hear about them, the more I hate them.

I don't want to end up a lonely, bitter person but it seems more appealing to keep to myself. I wish it wasn't that way. Maybe it's this town.

milemarking

Sometimes, with days like this I just wanna take off. Take your car and drive up the east coast, three hours outta North Carolina, another six in Virginia, stop and stock up on cheap gas and cigarettes before hitting the northern corner. Hit rush hour in D.C, get stuck on the bridge over Maryland, then another four hours or so til we're in the city. Complain about Jersey's shitty drivers and traffic. Ride around the bend of the ramp into the lights of the city, hit the bridges and find my way back to 168th str. I got a soul that's on fire and I can't stand sitting in the same state for too long. I want to smell the air and watch all the thousands of cars go east, west, north and south and try to catch some faces. I wanna see the clouds change and the rain to fall only for it to be sunny again. I want to see the production and realize people are travelin, wherever.

Then I realize I don't even have a license and am wreckless. And your car doesn't start. We got enough time, and we're working hard. And I know sometimes I am lazy and sleep in bed all day, at least I get up eventually... My mother said I was cold and how she hoped she'd never be on my shit side. I told her why should I show any more sympathy towards someone just cause they offed themselves? We're all fighting a fucking battle, I am sorry I feel nothing if you're gonna give up the live you were given. Life is too beautiful in the end, and getting out of the tough times makes it worth it. I am learning and dealing every way I can with the demons and hatred and sadness inside. I am not gonna give up.

I am learning more from Kerouac than my heart could have imagined and my eyes could have witnessed.

black balloon

I need a cigarette. Things aren't gonna be the same, I woke up unsatisfied at the time and wished it were dark out so today didn't exist in my memory. I hope this favor doesn't blow up in my face or step all over my sweet little heart, my caring little soul. Something feels wrong inside my gut. It's as though a black hole is eating my insides up. Nothing will be left. I hate when people insist on trying to feed me. And they insist on trying to figure me out. Things aren't gonna feel the same. You can feed your conscience whatever you'd like but I hope it suffocates you in the end. I hope all the skeletons in your little boxed closet fall out and grab you back in.

that mucher further south

Somedays seem harder than others. I just nap them away. Contemplation only leads to speculation, and with head filled with too much imagination can cause trouble. Last night had to be one of the toughest nights alone, tossing and turning. Drunk calls, having to wake up early. I will fight my battles slow and steady, with much determination. Eventually, I'll come around and catch up. I'll show those who think of me only as the girl caught in a bell jar. I am trying to be the best person I can be, and whoever says being kind constantly is a weakness is wrong. It takes someone independent and strong to smile in the face of those who have betrayed them. The only thing I crave is love and happiness, to sit out on the porch and drink my whiskey, smoke my cigarettes, talk to my favorite person. I won't have to worry about finding my way back to my house. I won't have to worry about the petty things. Those girls are stupid in any case, and I won't sell myself so short again. At least I am learning.

If only I were a little taller..If only you were a little shorter..

As I turn my head to your side of the bed

While you wake,

What's on your mind?

To this awful news try not to hold on

The day will come, the sun will rise, and we'll be fine

As long as I feel, as strong as I feel

I will carry you as long as I can

As hard on yourself, please pardon yourself

Do the best you can and that won't go unseen

How do I know when it's time to stop?

Runnin' from the things I do, being things I'm not

Oh I have tried, but I just changed my mind

Every night befalls every morning light

How do I know that you will never stop?

Knowin' me, and trustin' me, and lovin' me a lot

Oh I have tried, but I just changed my mindE

very night befalls every morning light

Well there's only so many ways

You can give your loving to me

I'd give my soul for just for one of them now

I'd give up the drinking, just tell me how

And there's only so many years

I'm going to give my love to you

And I spent the last one hidden away

Screaming my lungs out with nothing to say

As I turn my head to your side of the bed

While you wake, What's on your mind?

To this awful news try not to hold on

The day will come, the sun will rise, and we'll be fine

(I might be distraught right now. But seeing them with you, with lyrics that hit so close to home, standing in front of you with your arms all wrapped around me. In those moments that leave me all glistened eyed and there I know, no matter what I feel, the arguments held, or the painful things we do to the ones we love. There is us in some sense higher than cannot be said, nor explained. Beyond all the petty women and men we meet and use along the way to figure out the one. There is us. It might take us a while and have us kicking ourselves with grief and regret. In the end, I'll see only you. The proof is the thousand people surrounding us, all crowded in, yet they all disappear when we are together. I am ok from being away from the city, I am ok with the life I could possibly live staying here in the south with you.)

A gaurantee and not a promise That I'll never let your love slip from my hands

Rancid was last night. I am glad I drank before the show because the line to get in was ridiculous. I feel as though I am losing faith in humans or I am just increasingly bitter and frustrated but there were so many douche bags and try too hard people who are too uncomfortable in their skin. It was good seeing everyone out there, I wish I managed to meet Lars but of course again it does not happen. And I think Rancid should have headlined obviously. Rancid has been one of my favorite bands since I was ten so I don't care how lame I am for loving them. Rise Against just brought their annoying peta cult members to have people sign against animal testing for cosmetics. I am all for animal rights, considering I haven't eaten any since I was thirteen, try and not support any companies that do test, don't wear animal products, blah blah all that bullshit but these people are annoying and give easy going people such as myself an awful name.

Well, I have pizza waiting for me and I am feelin pretty stoked about that idea. I got invited by Addison to go see the Avett Brothers with him in Myrtle Beach tonight. Blowing money left and right but I really wanna go see them. I am in a really good mood, no hangover and I have something to look foward to with my bestest friend.

..and out come the wolves

I love days and nights like I had last night. With the perfect person, beers, conversation, and beating each other up and arguing just to make up. I got the bestest friend, and it's always nice to see him, to sleep with him and wake up next to him.

I am waiting around with my bookbag ready to go on my way to Myrtle Beach. I am excited but I feel like shit and feel like I'm lookin like it too. Damn $50 just to see Rancid (with Billy Talent and Rise Against.) I hope everything works out and I get to sleep with my best friend again. I am so sore, and really could use a meal right now considering the last time I ate an actual cooked meal was Sunday night. I so want a burrito.

I still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For

My dad told me last night U2 is coming to Raleigh in October and asked me if I wanna go, and that he'd pay. I don't care who makes fun of me for loving u2, I grew up listening to Joshua Tree due to my second oldest brother and my mother. I always tell myself it's an Irish thing. It's a shame Bono has become a huge joke.

Justin saw them right around the time I had moved and he's seeing them again in NY. I am pretty sure it was the tour that Kings of Leon opened up for them. I cannot believe I am admitting I secretly U2 but fuck it. Bono gets props for his appearance in Bruno.

Anyways, I've been spending my time with three men: Kerouac, Burroughs, and Ryan Adams. Tomorrow is Rancid, if I decide to go. I need a roadtrip filled with Kentucky Gentlemen, good company and music. Hopefully I don't break any bones this time.

(Six months is a long time)

I tried living in the real world

Instead of a shell

But I was bored before I even began

The Smiths will always be my favorite band. And I cannot forget the Cure either, or Joy Division or Siouxsie and The Banshees. Who else would hang out with me in my bedroom for the past six years of my life?

Birth control again. I'm ready to be an emotionally fucked train wreck and to puke in the street again.

The more I am out, the more I find civilization fleeting.

It makes my tummy miss you more when you call right when I get home and I gotta spit out the rest of my tofu burrito so I don't sound silly on the phone, so I won't miss your call. And I don't got a car so I can't come back out to see you so I sit here and chainsmoke my lonesome self. So I just bite my blue nails, and I don't even know how to balance my check book and my dad still thinks I'm twelve stuck in the city. I wish I could have stayed at the bookstore longer but who knows if you'd have called then. Who knows when I'll see you again. I got a burn to remind me of you and Rock and Roll Highschool is in the dvd player, the Ramones always make me feel alright. Things could be different if I didn't stop, if I just kept goin goin goin. If only I didn't stop.

Oh, you're almost home
I've been waiting for you to come in
Dancing around in your old suits
Going crazy in your room again
I think I'll go out and embarrass myself
By getting drunk and falling down in the street
You say I choose sadness
That it never once has chosen me
Maybe you're right


I'm seeing Anti-Nowhere League with Duane Peters Gunfight tomorrow night. Maybe I'll dance onstage like a douchebag again with Duane again. I feel really awful right now it's making me nauseus.

so lets leave then let's just go it's a dream a dream we'll know

I got a collection of cigarette burns and skateboard scrapes all over my legs, lover bruises and bug bites from late nights. There's old scars from the past that are just reminders to stay alive. Physical evidence for the stories we'd tell. We're in while everyone is out and they all think we're an old married couple and they say it's cute. I don't mind, I do the dishes in the sink while you watch the water boil on the stove. It's good to wake up in the middle of the night to find you holding my hands and rubbing my skin. It's better to have you come home from work to find me still laying there on your pillow. I've got the time if you got the time. We can just melt together.

After a day and a night of spontaneity, I realized that I might tell myself I don't need you. But really..I just miss you all the time when you're not there to drink 40s or split cigarettes with me and talk to about music or the tough stuff and funny stuff in life. You calm me down and put me to sleep. I wish you could put me to sleep all the time. I want you there but you can't be. Thinking about all of this just fucks with me harder and pushes us farther apart. I would like to know another way.

Why the fuck do I take everything to heart when there's no actual evidence, my thoughts just seem so damn convincing when you're not even trying. Or it feels that way, shit.

Stuck Inside of Mobile With the Memphis Blues Again

$100. Not bad, not bad at all. From today's events, I would like to learn how to not to be so awkward. I always feel weird.

top five

I made a mix for someone.

1. Try A Little Tenderness by Otis Redding
2. Do You Love Me? by Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds
3. If You Stayed Over by Bonobo
4. Come Pick Me Up by Ryan Adams
5. Blood Bank by Bon Iver
6. The Lowering (A Sad Day in Greenville Town) by Avett Brothers
7. Deep in My Soul by Bobby Bland
8. Should I Stay or Should I Go? by The Clash
9. Guess Things Happen That Way by Johnny Cash
10. You Come and I Go by Hotel Lights
11. Nineteen by Tegan and Sara
12. There Is No If..by the Cure
13. If It's The Beaches by the Avett Brothers
14. Your Worst is The Best by I Love You But I've Chosen Darkness
15. I Keep Coming Back by the Afghan Whigs
16. Hope There's Someone by Antony and the Johnsons
17. With or Without You by U2

Lick my legs I'm on fire
Lick my legs of desire


I wish I could be opened about this. I need some fresh air, isolation is terrible company. It's silent insanity. I could be bold but I am holding myself back. I could feel like a queen but I am used to this sort of feeling, it's almost comfortable. The thing that is the worst is having all this time, and it could be used to my advantage but the isolation blurs it into a monster. You do not think I am important anymore. I am on the shelf, like the others. I tell myself all the time what type of person I think I am. And I wouldn't say it out loud in case an argument would erupt. I think I need a dusting. Maybe you can examine these cracks and fix me up nice. I do not want to be cordial, I do not want the fear of pain or misfortune to get in the way of honesty. So just give it to me so I can lick the wounds and go on my way. And isn't self deprication and feeling sorry for myself the vain of my selfishness? Counting the amount of energy in meals again, cat scratch feline thighs, a wasted conversation piece, party dresses hanging idly in the smoky closet like bodies at the gallows, the clutter of jewelry and sunglasses driving her upupup the walls.

Hahah, this is silly.

money can't buy my love

Holy fuck, I got yet another huge check from my mother's social security. I thought I only got them until I graduated, but this might be the last of them in any case. I guess it almost pays off having a mother who is pretty much a senior citizen and my being only eighteen. I was worried for a little while, and bummed out because I had spent like 600$ on music, liquor, movies and clothes within a short amount of time but now I'm gonna go do it all over again. I sound like a trust fund baby, damn.

I really want a bunny rabbit, for real. And now I can go see both Rancid and the Avett Brothers next month in Myrtle Beach if all works out, how exciting.

I'm still in a shit mood and I am not sure if it's because I have no social life or my sleeping pattern is all fucked up. Maybe a mixture but I want to get out of it. And I feel as though getting out of town for a while would be great for me. Everyone here is too consumed by their pathetic vices or maybe I am too judgemental and feel too bitchy so I won't bother. I don't like feeling this way.

I haven't been in New York since two summers ago and since I have some cash, I can easily find a place to crash and get a plane ticket for cheap. I've never flown on a plane before so it sounds all exciting, I just have to figure it out. I am watching this stupid show NYC Prep and it makes me miss the city. Aside from the prissy assholes on the show, the obvious setting is what gets me and that kid PC's good looks. Haha.

I need to get my mind off things and to sort myself and my emotions out. I feel a little vacation would be just right but who would I even see? I guess there's a few people but I kind of lost touch and cut most people out of my life. Seeing John, his snake and mama would be great though, they are always fun. Walking around main street with a boy who dresses like he's in some magazine with a snake wrapped around his neck is good times no matter what. And I haven't seen Sonya since I was fourteen, jesus. But what I miss the most is being able to wander without needing a reason or feel out of place, there's a million people wandering around, I won't feel out of place and it will give me some time. It would be good to not worry about stupid shit and just be able to drink 40s at the station or the park and ride the subway everywhere. I wouldn't mind catching up with my old neighbors and hanging outside on the steps with the Puerto Ricans. I hear about all the kids I used to know and most of them dropped outta high school, or were thrown in jail or are dealing now. It's weird I got out of it.

In other news, I finally got my permit. And yeah so I'm eighteen, it's a step for me. Maybe that will solve my rut. Who knows.

I guess I'm gonna go to the DMV tomorrow, as much as I dread to do so. I pretty much dread everything though, it's made my laziness unbearable thus making me whiny. Haha. But hopefully I fix things there and the people who work there's miserable, monotonous attitudes won't affect me this time. Nor will I be fucked up on drugs either so maybe I'll pass the test this time, right?

I slept for too long. Like til 3:30, ridiculous. I was pretty pissed with myself about that, I just kept having weird dreams and surprisingly slept straight through. I haven't done shit today except paint the patio for some extra money. I started cooking again and I need to get my skateboard back. I'm gonna start reading the Naked Lunch again. I cannot believe I start college next month.

I have a lot on my mind but I won't bother divulging.

It's beyond late. I mean it's almost early. I am currently covered in all sorts of paints and playing Morrissey videos. The rain should have driven me to sleep already but I guess not.

I feel terribly nervous about this. Oh well.