Sometimes I wonder if people who constantly complain about their problems in life, have time to appreciate things. And I wonder if only people who are truely fighting their demons inside realize they honestly need to appreciate even the littlest things to get by. I do it everyday, in the bathroom, sitting on the cold porcelain, with water running, I say I am thankful for air and the day even when someone outside is screaming bloody hell at me. I thank the sky for being blue and the clouds to drive by. Even though, it makes me a little sad, I have overcome some demons and learned to realize nothing can really hurt or get to me except myself. I have gotten past self pity and am top of appreciation. I am a very fortunate person and you should feel the same. You are capable to spend time writing about your life, contemplating it, reading others, sharing stories. We have time to be happy but you'd rather fret about people not liking you, or not being good enough, or something else.

It sounds really sad, I have to tell myself how to be happy, over and over and over again. And I do not want to be subjected to being someone I myself would dislike, someone who whines about everything, is unhappy with every aspect of their life or doens't know when to shut up about it. I pride myself in being strong and would never be a burden to others with my emotions. It's just something I never wrapped myself around.

I ain't no goddamn son of a bitch, you better think about it baby

I forgot painting and Misfits are my salvation late at night. I need more clearheadedness like this.

measured by ugliness

Spite is a very powerful thing.

And beautiful if used wisely and to the best of your ability. Trust me on this.

slave to the wage

Something about falling asleep with a few tears glistening over something not worth crying over, a miniscule memory, the dreary, blurry past. It's about waking up and having your quiet demeanored morning routine stirred by a messy father with his toaster, his stove on, crumbs from toast, jelly dripping off a blunt knife onto the counter. Not wanting to deal with "Good morning, how are you?" You rather rage silently in your head about how you have a set restriction to go about mornings, make two pieces of plain toast, gulp down a small glass of juice, grab coffee and let it sit to cool down while I brush my crumbs into my palm, throw into sink, throw dishes into dishwasher, unplug toaster, be tidy. I have no time to wait around for him to be sloppy in my environment that does not want human quality conversation. The day is gray, the air is chill, the clothes are too slutty for your mother waiting in the car as I sit in the passenger seat moaning over her nagging, apply masacara, pucker lips, apply plum lipstick in the mirror on the visor, ignore her voice underneath music. In class, I sit near a boy with braces, yellow food stuck inbetween the metal wires, he smiles anxiously as we are the only ones in a row of 20 present, his bottom lip is pierced twice with black piercings. I lay back in my seat, fidget through my things and hope to god there isn't group work, as it is always an awkward situation. It is individual work, thankfully but he makes effort to brush past in the compact rows against sheer leggings. I watch the clock to my right like a hawk on its prey, it is over, onwards to the next class, pass through as the teacher assistant mentions it's Thanksgiving, no one cares. The next class is almost the same. Afterwards, mother is outside, I can see her from behind the windshield shaking her head at her skanky daughter. I get in, she is not in a good mood because I am a bitch. We open another bank accountfor my extra grants and I overpower her as she tries to control more of my life, I interject and tell the man it is my money from the government and to listen to me. We all agree eventually, I am given a new account for student funds or something like that, we continue home. In the turning lane, a car is broken down so conveniently and we have to stall behind a school bus full of obnoxious tweensters who take every oppurtunity to wave, make faces and rude gestures at us. I laugh nervously, but I am annoyed, I pray for the light to change so I can disappear.

I am here now, I am mad. It is my first night of Thanksgiving break and I should be a beer down already, yes at five to five p.m, a beer in. But I am sitting here with lukewarm coffee and a day old half eaten burrito. Nothing is sacred today, I love my sacredness of my daily routines of anxiously awaiting your arrival online or your already present name appear on the screen. But you have to do family things whereas I don't even celebrate holidays other than with you and in the past- friends. Drinking on rooftops, bashing each other into the shingles blasting music. But tonight, I willsay I sm focused to do my studying and my cleaning and painting and everything else but I will procrastinate. Only because I want to be by your side where I feel at most myself, comfortable, safe, secure, content beyond recognition. Perhaps tomorrow.

psychedlic jungle

This girl told me I dressed phenominal today while another next to her said I wore things she'd be too scared to wear and like I fell out of a magazine. Kind of funny because I thought I looked insane. I went to apply at this place that I was told asked about Morrissey in their interview but the guys kept stumbling through their words and told me to come back when they're opened.

My cool cousin wants me to visit during my christmas break so I can stay at his crazy apartment building in Brooklyn and go see the Tim Burton exhibit at MoMa. He hugged Tim Burton since he went in dressed as Edward Scissorhands on stilts, my cousin is way more awesome than me. I'm gonna spend this Thanksgiving break with Addison as usual, and perhaps painting, eating a lot and drinking cheap champagne and beer all while playing Scarface since that has been our everyday thing. Oh and snuggling of course. I need a job, I found two faux fur coats I want and an expensive dress. I got $2200 from the school because I had money left over from my grants and scholarships but I might spend it on clothes. Oops. My hand hurts, I'm out.

Fantastic Bird

Seriously, I will always love Morrissey if they keep illegally posting his unreleased songs online. Go find Revelation, download, fall in love.

Good weekend, I am one cheeky drunk. I have the best boyfriend ever.

lack of communication? right..

Twitter, facebook, this, that, the other thing. I know I am the owner of like a billion online blogs but shit, I just wanna have people read what I have to really say and mean, yknow? It is easier to type up things than write them down. Not about my desparate attempts to keep people "updated" on my so-called "interesting" life. It's all trite, and it just makes me more conflicted about everyone. Can't any of you take a minute away from your text messages and social networks and sit in silence and solitude? Enjoy the woods, actually listen to a song, read a damn book, do something honestly thought provoking. I would enjoy it if one day all these devices stopped, what a ruckus you all would stir, incessant whining, right?You all follow a line, you all go in order on the conveyer belt of life letting it do as it pleases with you. A mere product of the society that doesn't accept you. You lack a soul, you lack adventure, real honest things. Could you even hold a conversation face to face? Talk with your eyes, hands, the wrinkles and creases of your forehead. Your technological world has you wrapped up around its little finger so you can't really live. I don't want your acceptance and I sure as hell don't want your companionship. I enjoy myself only, and I enjoy people who love nature and escaping the life we seemed to bound ourselves too. Maybe I am too old fashioned. Maybe I am not so lucky to waste money of such petty things. I do not know what it is, but I don't care. I don't need people to look into every detail of my inane life, because I am fairly boring. And the mystery is only caused by the fact I don't let everything out.


I had a good night with my only friend and boyfriend. I enjoy him having money to treat me to some of my favorite beer. Like cherry wheat? Oh man. He cooked me macoroni at 2:30am and his roommate helped make it delicious. "More jhezz? How about some peppa?" You guys are fun when you aren't being asses. And I wish the meteor shower followed through but I was too busy being content sleeping next to my man but I got out of bed to peer outside and saw nothing. I have been enjoying my boyfriend's company a lot lately, we've improved so much in the recent month now that we are back together. We obviously fight from time to time but that happens and we've been having late night talks and doing the things I like and that he likes. I feel appreciated, I feel strong. He surprised me twice today when I decided to skip most of my classes today and sleep in his bed and it was so nice. I cannot believe we're more in love now. It's wild, I am happy..so content.

soaring

Fall asleep to dream of falling 100 stories down in
love
You make me feel like a lit house; a cozy home with
trees, blankets of leaves enwrapping
love
I cannot seem to grasp anything falling except
you
And all I want to grab is you you you you
only

Give me convenience or give me death!

I don't know why any person from any religious sect would approach me and think I actually believed in a God. I see the fear and disbelief in your eyes when you find I am kind about it all. Blue hair under a red beret, beat up motorcycle jacket, a Sonic youth shirt, black miniskirt, knee high boots. does it looks like I want to be saved?

Want to know how readable I am?

Brother justin: yo sucka
ME: hey hey
Brother justin: how goes it
Brother justin: yo i got a movie u might like if u havent alreayd seen it
caityfagpatrol: whaaaat
Brother justin: its called control
caityfagpatrol: about joy division? haha
Brother justin: ya ha u saw it?
caityfagpatrol: haha that is one of my favorite bands loser, haha
caityfagpatrol: I own it
Brother justin: son i dont know this
caityfagpatrol: you should!
Brother justin: i was watchin it at the fire house n was thinki u would like it

I wish I didn't lose touch with my brothers after they went to college and when I moved. And I wish we really grew up together instead of them being eight years and 12 years older than me.

+

The reason I am so bitter towards the human race is because I see so much potential, right at the tips of each and every single one of your fingertips. And you are so selfish and too stupid; you let it go so easily without thinking. None of you think for yourselves but rather about yourselves. Me mememe. My my my my. I wish I could be so arrogant in the sense to throw it all away. So I sit here, with my two cents and hate myself for letting myself get this way about all of you.

someone ties a bow
in my backyard to show me love
my voice is climbing walls
smoking and I want love

my jaw's been broken
my heart is wrapped in ice
my fangs have been pulled
and I really wanna see you tonight

it makes no difference to me
how they cried all over overseas
when it's hot in the poor places tonight
I'm not going outside






(The sound of the rain is making me sleepy. I am pretty happy right now. My best friend acknowledges me completely again and it's like nothing bad ever happened. We're gonna live in solitude once society gives us little jobs, right. Right. Right. College is pointless. It only makes me feel more superior, and I can't figure it out. What am I doing at this place? I don't paint, draw or sew anymore. I eat terrible food, have awful sleeping patterns and my skin acts up occassionally. Lame.)

drool

So I've been into jewelry again. And I totally want this as a gift, *ahem*. From bonadrag.com. Seriously though, if you're lurking...I'll marry you, literally, if you buy me this. haaaahaha. Today was pretty good.

life is..

Pretty amazing lately. I am happy with my relationship, I am kicking ass at school and was able to apply for next semester. Above all, I am not pregnant, hahaha. But really, Addison and I cut down our drinking immensely, we argue less, snuggle a lot more and are beyond loveydovey and fuck you for thinking it's gay, we rule.

Yesterday, I met his two month old niece and everything is so strange to explain. I didn't think anything would be back to normal- and a million times better. I held a little baby and she smiled real wide at me, I didn't understand why I felt so mushy inside over it.

When we left, we stole some vodka and beer and played video games and watched television. I love talking until 4am and then falling asleep peacefully and cozy in a chilly room. This morning, when I got up, I didn't notice his roommate in the kitchen which is basically right outside his room and got caught by surprise by the sight of him because I was pretty much naked. Anyways, we went with his brother and wife to their little sister's fourth birthday party. I am glad we weren't hungover because places with lots of kids ODing on sugar and jumping on inflatable castles suck. We didn't even get that much pizza and the cupcakes made us sick. It's been a nice weekend, I love the weather and I am happy. Except for my living situation and my parents. I need a job badly and a car.