The more I surround myself with my age group, the easier it is to accept I'm intelligent. I guess. No, I'm 90% sure of it. These people lack some sort of outlook on life, a surreal experience, any input, any character. I stare at them and most radiate pretention, or bleek, blank expressions. All of which I cannot come to terms with in knowing. I want to have friends and I blame myself for not conforming. I rightfully refuse, as I always have.
What do I mean? I don't even know, I just can only give you the explanation is that now when I sleep alone, I drink half a bottle of nyquil, sloppily shove an Oriental eye-mask and melt underneath my down alternative comforter, into my perfect bed. I love waking up and forgetting I even slept. I'm madly in love and keep telling myself now one day I will marry and have a baby. In whatever order it happens, the thought makes me feel strange. I promised myself all my life neither events would ever happen, but I accept them graciously knowing I met my soulmate. I didn't even think I had a soulmate.
I am sometimes so desparate to find something in common with my peers that I just pretend. I pretend to be nice, and stupid. Being stupid is really hard. I feel as though I might as well bang my fucking head against a wall, yelling "blahblahblah! BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!" And drool uncontrolably.
I don't think this life is right for me sometimes because it's easy in a sense I can't explain. It's graying my soul, and driving me mad. I strive to be forgetable mostly, and it makes me sad that I waste so much time doing so. I always say "this life isn't right for me" but I just drink it away and sleep it off.
My head is buzzing right now. A television static mind lulling itself to sleep. Or a fly caught in a light fixture. My hands are light and one with the air; serene and being. My body wants to break out, my skeleton wants to dance and glow in the dark.
I have been spending most of my nights talking to gay men, with my boyfriend. I love it, they are all so wonderful. I don't feel so judged and they don't make me worry if I drink too much. Straight, oversexed, sexist men in our society think it's ok to take advantage of women or degrade them. I hate them. I hate most people though. I wish I had more hope in the normalities of our society, they are so lucky in their ignorance. I am so bitter in my realizations.
what is this?
