The sun is rising again. I am smoking a cigarette. I have seen the sun rise for the past week. It's lonely. All the world around me is so quiet, other than a car every half hour. I haven't gone out much lately. All I do is read, paint and clean. I watched the fireworks tonight with Addison from our swing set. We walked around all night.
I leave for New York in less than four days.
28.5.10
25.5.10
A peom by Bukowski
Take a few minutes of your life and read this. I need to pluck my eyebrows, I hate to groom.
"I am a panther shut up and bellowing in
cement walls, and I am angry at blue
evenings without ventilation
and I am angry with you, and it will come
like a rose
it will come like a man walking through fire
it will shine like an unseen trumpet in a trunk
the eyes will smell like sausages
the feet will have small propellers
and I will hold you in Bayonne and
the sailors will smile
my heart like something cut away from
cancer will feel and beat again feel
and beat again—-but now
the blue evening is cinched like old
muskets and the dangling sex rope hangs
as the tree stands up and calls:
July. the dust of hope in the bottom of paper cups
along with small spiders that have names like ancient
European cities; spit and dross, heavy wheels;
oilwells stuck between fish and sucking up the grey gas
of love and the palms up on the cliff waving
waving in the warm yellow light
as I walk into a drugstore to buy toothpaste,
rubbers, photographs of frogs, a copy of the latest
Consumer Reports (50 cents) for I consume and
am consumed and would like to know
on this blue evening
just which razorblade it would be best for me
to use, or maybe I could get a station wagon or buy a
stereo or a movie camera, say 8mm, under $55
or an electric frying pan … like the silver head
of some god-thing after they drop the bomb BANG
and the grass gives up and love is a shadow
and love is a fishtail weaving through
threads that seem eyes but are only what’s
left of me on the last blue evening after the bands
have suicided out, the carnival has left town and
they’ve blown up the Y.W.C.A. like a giant balloon and
sent it out to sea full of screaming lovely lonely
girls."
"I am a panther shut up and bellowing in
cement walls, and I am angry at blue
evenings without ventilation
and I am angry with you, and it will come
like a rose
it will come like a man walking through fire
it will shine like an unseen trumpet in a trunk
the eyes will smell like sausages
the feet will have small propellers
and I will hold you in Bayonne and
the sailors will smile
my heart like something cut away from
cancer will feel and beat again feel
and beat again—-but now
the blue evening is cinched like old
muskets and the dangling sex rope hangs
as the tree stands up and calls:
July. the dust of hope in the bottom of paper cups
along with small spiders that have names like ancient
European cities; spit and dross, heavy wheels;
oilwells stuck between fish and sucking up the grey gas
of love and the palms up on the cliff waving
waving in the warm yellow light
as I walk into a drugstore to buy toothpaste,
rubbers, photographs of frogs, a copy of the latest
Consumer Reports (50 cents) for I consume and
am consumed and would like to know
on this blue evening
just which razorblade it would be best for me
to use, or maybe I could get a station wagon or buy a
stereo or a movie camera, say 8mm, under $55
or an electric frying pan … like the silver head
of some god-thing after they drop the bomb BANG
and the grass gives up and love is a shadow
and love is a fishtail weaving through
threads that seem eyes but are only what’s
left of me on the last blue evening after the bands
have suicided out, the carnival has left town and
they’ve blown up the Y.W.C.A. like a giant balloon and
sent it out to sea full of screaming lovely lonely
girls."
18.5.10
Pay To Cum
I feel as though I'm fighting a war against humanity. It seems people become more and more stupid, the more isolated I am from them and the older I get. They all wanna fit into some little circle because they aren't comfortable in their own skin. I, for one, might sound bitter but I just have so much hope for us. Rad Fest was cool, saw people who a) don't like me or b) I'd love to bash in their fat heads until there is no blood left, a skull and skin drained of life.
I've stayed with Addison lots and had to deal with his stupid drug addict roommate. I've been drinking almost everyday, going to bed drunk and waking up in room that must be about 90 degrees, which makes me either throw up or feel sick until I hydrate myself, Gatorade has become a dear friend in recent weeks. Anyway, this dude is completely void of consideration for human beings AND animals. No one treats the one person I whole heartedly love and gets away with it. Needless to say, I almost knocked his teeth out and bashed his skull in with thick mary janes. Can't say you haven't lived in shit until see some dude beat his dog senseless in front of your teary eyes because his dog ate HIS weed HE LEFT out. I have watched him pick up his puppy up to his shoulders and slam her into the ground. As someone who loves animals deeply, and more so than humans it's something hard to swallow. He will get his once he realizes there are maggots crawling up the stairs of "his" porch and staircase. They're comin for you. No one abuses my best friend, verbally and physically. We may drink a lot but at least our faces aren't melting off from smoking pills on tinfoil. Also, my relationships aren't strictly based on fucking. I hope he enjoys the pillow I so viciously stabbed and the wooden pipe with holes in it now. I had to help Addison move out Sunday morning, it felt weird but it's right. I'm proud of him for finally getting out of that shithole.
The other night I had to deal with more despicable men while walking to the gas station for cigarettes and something cheap to eat. It was around midnight, and I was wearing a skirt and a t shirt. Addison had gone somewhere to get beer and I was gonna meet up with him afterwards. These two dudes were across the street, in Carolina Beach. I had seen them from a distance and hoped they wouldn't harass me. Wishful thinking, huh? They began to holler towards me, I looked up and waved, crossing the street diagonally to avoid them. "Hey, you stupid bitch! I was just trying to be nice, you could at least say what's up?" My blood boiled, because since I had grown into my body, this is what men expect as a welcoming of sorts: trying to make me feel disgusting for being somewhat attractive. I spotted a cop outside the gas station who I have seen before walking late at night on the beach and who has offered me a ride, which I've always drunkenly declined to. "Excuse me? Did you really just say what I think you did? I said hello to you, you fuckface. You need to learn some manners before someone else teaches them to you." I yelled back to the two guys who then looked at one another, half shocked that I retaliated, and I was surprised then that they didn't come after to me. Maybe it was because I was headed towards the cop. I smiled at him obnoxiously. "Good evening, ma'am. How're doing?" he said politely as he was trying to arrest a man outside the gas station. "Just fine, how are you doing? You have a good night, be safe." I had rubbed spit and smoke over my breath so he didn't smell the alcohol on me and give me a hard time as well. I looked back over to the two guys who just pretended like they weren't just trying to be cute and hit on me, fuck it. They headed on their merry way and I did as well. Addison laughed at what happened when I told him. He is proud of me now, no one talks to me in a deragotory way anymore and gets away with it. Full confrontation.
I wish I dealt with decent human beings who found life to be more than drinking tallboys in cute little koozies and having the most grand of social lives. But it's hard. I am not a mean person, I think I'm pretty nice. I'm just awkward and shy but after a while, I am always nice to people. I make it a point to make people feel good about themselves, those who deserve it. Some people don't hear it enough that they are funny, smart, beautiful, handsome, etc.
A lot of private and shitty things are happening with Addison's family life. I won't disclose them but I enjoy the fact he respects my opinion and even listens to what I have to say about the situation. It's hard to believe it at times because my own family doesn't respect my opinion most of the time and finds I am speaking out of line. I evaluate people from a far enough distance that I can give a perspective most people don't fathom usually. I have a lot of insight that comes with care and consideration. I don't want to soil or ruin reputations or lives of people who are going through very tough transistions. The developement of an individual is a delicate thing that cannot be damaged by harsh judgement and ridicule. Unless, it is absolutely needed. People do need support, as much as it sounds I want to destroy people. They need to be put down to size at times but a lot of people are just looking for their identity. If we all had our identities then none of us would have to fit in social cliques and circles to feel like we "belong." I sound silly, I'm done. I am gonna go to a pool to hang out with Addison's sister-in-law and her adorable little baby who was the first one I ever held. We're gonna gab and goo goo gaga with one another. Have a good day.
I've stayed with Addison lots and had to deal with his stupid drug addict roommate. I've been drinking almost everyday, going to bed drunk and waking up in room that must be about 90 degrees, which makes me either throw up or feel sick until I hydrate myself, Gatorade has become a dear friend in recent weeks. Anyway, this dude is completely void of consideration for human beings AND animals. No one treats the one person I whole heartedly love and gets away with it. Needless to say, I almost knocked his teeth out and bashed his skull in with thick mary janes. Can't say you haven't lived in shit until see some dude beat his dog senseless in front of your teary eyes because his dog ate HIS weed HE LEFT out. I have watched him pick up his puppy up to his shoulders and slam her into the ground. As someone who loves animals deeply, and more so than humans it's something hard to swallow. He will get his once he realizes there are maggots crawling up the stairs of "his" porch and staircase. They're comin for you. No one abuses my best friend, verbally and physically. We may drink a lot but at least our faces aren't melting off from smoking pills on tinfoil. Also, my relationships aren't strictly based on fucking. I hope he enjoys the pillow I so viciously stabbed and the wooden pipe with holes in it now. I had to help Addison move out Sunday morning, it felt weird but it's right. I'm proud of him for finally getting out of that shithole.
The other night I had to deal with more despicable men while walking to the gas station for cigarettes and something cheap to eat. It was around midnight, and I was wearing a skirt and a t shirt. Addison had gone somewhere to get beer and I was gonna meet up with him afterwards. These two dudes were across the street, in Carolina Beach. I had seen them from a distance and hoped they wouldn't harass me. Wishful thinking, huh? They began to holler towards me, I looked up and waved, crossing the street diagonally to avoid them. "Hey, you stupid bitch! I was just trying to be nice, you could at least say what's up?" My blood boiled, because since I had grown into my body, this is what men expect as a welcoming of sorts: trying to make me feel disgusting for being somewhat attractive. I spotted a cop outside the gas station who I have seen before walking late at night on the beach and who has offered me a ride, which I've always drunkenly declined to. "Excuse me? Did you really just say what I think you did? I said hello to you, you fuckface. You need to learn some manners before someone else teaches them to you." I yelled back to the two guys who then looked at one another, half shocked that I retaliated, and I was surprised then that they didn't come after to me. Maybe it was because I was headed towards the cop. I smiled at him obnoxiously. "Good evening, ma'am. How're doing?" he said politely as he was trying to arrest a man outside the gas station. "Just fine, how are you doing? You have a good night, be safe." I had rubbed spit and smoke over my breath so he didn't smell the alcohol on me and give me a hard time as well. I looked back over to the two guys who just pretended like they weren't just trying to be cute and hit on me, fuck it. They headed on their merry way and I did as well. Addison laughed at what happened when I told him. He is proud of me now, no one talks to me in a deragotory way anymore and gets away with it. Full confrontation.
I wish I dealt with decent human beings who found life to be more than drinking tallboys in cute little koozies and having the most grand of social lives. But it's hard. I am not a mean person, I think I'm pretty nice. I'm just awkward and shy but after a while, I am always nice to people. I make it a point to make people feel good about themselves, those who deserve it. Some people don't hear it enough that they are funny, smart, beautiful, handsome, etc.
A lot of private and shitty things are happening with Addison's family life. I won't disclose them but I enjoy the fact he respects my opinion and even listens to what I have to say about the situation. It's hard to believe it at times because my own family doesn't respect my opinion most of the time and finds I am speaking out of line. I evaluate people from a far enough distance that I can give a perspective most people don't fathom usually. I have a lot of insight that comes with care and consideration. I don't want to soil or ruin reputations or lives of people who are going through very tough transistions. The developement of an individual is a delicate thing that cannot be damaged by harsh judgement and ridicule. Unless, it is absolutely needed. People do need support, as much as it sounds I want to destroy people. They need to be put down to size at times but a lot of people are just looking for their identity. If we all had our identities then none of us would have to fit in social cliques and circles to feel like we "belong." I sound silly, I'm done. I am gonna go to a pool to hang out with Addison's sister-in-law and her adorable little baby who was the first one I ever held. We're gonna gab and goo goo gaga with one another. Have a good day.
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