"It no longer makes me cry and die and tear myself to see her go because everything goes away from me like that now--girls, visions, anything, just in the same way and forever and I accept lostness forever."

halloween!

So every Halloween, I get really pumped and have a million ideas. Last year I was Wednesday Addams. I used to like real androg. stuff when I was a kid from Batman to the blue power Ranger so now I am reliving the princess girly shit I missed out on. This I year I decided on Marie Antoinette, unoriginal but I am broke and already have a dress in similar fashion, as I did for my Wednesday dress, haha. The dress has frills but it's definitely toned down then the huge gowns originally worn and shorter but I prefer that. No one wants a drunk me who is already pretending to be a Queen in a huge poofy petticoat. It's more like the dresses in Sophia Copolla's film when Marie had her children and her gardens which I prefer too. I also already have an array of costumeesque jewelry needed and a pair of shoes similar to those worn in the film. It's kind of fun having a ridiculous wardrobe. I intend on doing some Adam Ant make-up as well to make it look more awesome. I hope this works out and I look good. Walmart had a cheap little girl's "princess" wig that I am either going to dye or paint a cotton candy pink. I plan on dressing up tomorrow for my night in with my beau, hopefully. I am just going to wear my cut up Danzig shirt, some heavy eye make up, black jeans and boots. I also have a black pvc devil horned headband, a bone necklace and a huge skull ring already. I am telling you, I am a living cartoon character. I could have been Enid from Ghost World but it seems I already dress and act like her everyday. I need to re-dye my hair blue tonight also since I just got an actual hair cut and it is looking faded.
I also really hope my plans work out. UNCW is hosting Rocky Horror Picture Show for free at 12am tomorrow night and audience participation is needed. I have always dreamed of doing this in the movie theaters since it was really big at one time when the film came out and afterward.

You've Got Everything Now..

It's kind of amazing in the most depressing way how bitter and nihilistic I have become. My mother nearly kicked me out of her car today on her way to take me to class, pulled to the side of the road. I didn't even care and kept saying, "Really? Really, alright. You're acting like more of a fucking child than me. How old are you again?" And then she kept driving, smacking my head. I don't care about anything anymore. And when I argue with my boyfriend, who started to drink again, I cry for a little and then realize we've went our separate ways before, why should I start trying to run after him? I have wasted too much of my life being kind and understand. I do not have time to let someone who acts younger than me belittle me. And I don't care to hear about anyone's problems, which makes me believe I do not care for the people whom I considered close. I should hate myself for this but I look back and the hatred boils. I need to focus on school, not some damn boyfriend who wants to disagree or bicker over the dumbest bullshit. I need to find a job since I am sure I will be kicked out soon. I am tired of figuring out what's wrong with me and feeling bad and being the pussy who gets stepped on, no more. I am a human being too you know, I have anger and sadness and happiness and thoughts inside me. You're not the king of me or my heart, no one is. No one owns my emotions, I do. And if this makes me bitter, so be it. I don't care anymore, I was going to be happy but some people just wanna step on other's gardens. So fuck you, I want my garden a million miles away from you all. I will not allow threats being replaced or this or that sway me anymore, you do your own damn thing, I will not change not even for you. I am sick of arguing, you make me the mean person I am currently. I will not let you belittle me to the point I am crying in the cafe, I already have enough people (the lot of the ones I even know..) breathing down my neck. I don't have time for relationships of any sort, I DO NOT want to deal with anyone. What has overcome me? I just want to shout and scream and disappear from everyone, I fucking despise feeling this way, let that be known.

I blame my sleeping patterns, I will not go to bed until 5am. I wake up different hours everyday, and take a nap from 6-9pm usually. My diet is shitty, and I spend too much time trying to work things out. I can't afford to fuck up college, no way. This is the one thing in my life I can control, no one else getting in the way.

....And what a terrible mess I've made of my life. Oh, what a mess I've made of my life. No, I've never had a job because I've never wanted one...

sympathy for the devil

Really? Go fuck yourself. I have being so angry at petty bullshit since it proves I am no different than the plain janes and average joes of this humanity. But you know what, I will rise above, gonna rise above and prevail. My intellect is worth more than what you are worth in dollars, cents and whatever else there is.

This weekend is supposed to be really nice. Tomorrow night is supposed to be dinner, and a night in with Addison hopefully then Saturday, I am takin a roadtrip to see Social D with a guy I have no formally hung out with, or Chris, I am not sure yet. I am in a really shitty mood right now over, like I said, unnecesarry things that will consume up my useful time.

from a female perspective..

"I was half in love with her by the time we sat down. That's the thing about girls. Every time they do something pretty, even if they're not much to look at, or even if they're sort of stupid, you fall half in love with them, and then you never know where the hell you are. Girls. Jesus Christ. They can drive you crazy. They really can. " -J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye
Goddamn, don't I know it after two years.

never gonna grow up

Last night, Addison and I went to see Where The Wild Things Are finally. It was really sad and made us both feel super nostalgic. We both admitted we almost cried throughout, it just reminded me of how I was as a kid, almost to the tee. And how I wish, even now, a decade and some down the line, things were different but they aren't but it hurts you can't have your imaginary world or build forts and get away with it. Being near friendless and without the outlet of being so involved in your imagination sucks, reality and life nearly sucks away that part of your soul but it seems my attitude overpowers that and I am thankful for that.

I loved it nonetheless, though it didn't follow the book persay, but I guess you can say it was fit for modern day and all. It just made me think a lot, it made me want to always be wild. I know I am a big kid, and I hope I never lose that inside me.

We stayed up until 5:30 am, talking and talking. It took us both a while after the film to cheer up, somehow it affected us more than I wanted it to in a really sad, faraway way. I am really happy again and excited about life. Things are coming my way that I deserve. School is almost smooth sailings and I am about to sign up for next semester. Next weekend I am hopefully taking a roadtrip to see Social Distortion with a new friend, who I have only met a few times ha. But I plan on spending the entire weekend with Addison, being adventurous in the cool weather. Maybe ride bikes, or sit on the beach in our coats and beer and chase each other around. I am so glad in my heart right now. I really am NEVER going to grow up, I don't care. I watched Pee Wee Herman's Big Adventure til 2am the other night cracking up just like I would have when I was five. Shit, I'm ready for tomorrow. I need a job though, I've never had a real job. And I need a car, I don't even have my license. But I'm alright.

4:43 PM Addison:
so we're going to have sex in the movie theater?
……………………………………………………………………
4:43 PM betty boop:
it's fucking Where the Wild Things Are
what is wrong with you!
……………………………………………………………………
4:43 PM Addison:
beat my dick like it just stole your bike

Not of This World

So I'm pretty cramped for time until Friday afternoon, hopefully. I plan on picking up some indian ink and clean needles and convincing Addison into our homemade tattoos finally. Plus, we're scrounging up whatever money we have to see Where The Wild Things Are since we planned on seeing that for a long while.

Things are a little hectic and stressful but it's my fault. I slept until 11 last night when I should have been studying so I wouldn't do it all tonight, and plus I spent more money on clothes last night, but my mom bought me fake doc martins (non-leather, so shut up.) I cannot believe I bought this flowy "boho" chiffon dress but it makes me feel pretty and isn't so snug on me like most of my clothes. I lost my Danzig shirt and it's kind of a disaster because the sewing job makes me look ultra trashy. Addison said he might help bleach my hair for me, I'm excited for this weekend. I am probably gonna have to bike ride down to the beach on River Road to get to his place, but who knows he might find me a ride.

All I really need is a job and I'd be so set. I have too many halloween costume ideas, like every year and it's great to probably spend it again with him and my best friend. I love the two people closest people in my life so much, officially I am pretty happy again. If all works out, we're headed to Greenville maybe, that place is apparently wild during Halloween. Being broke is so silly. I am in a good mood at least, I need more energy, Idon't know what it is about me and my room, makes me feel like a sloth, or it's the weather. I don't know, I cannot wait for the weekend finally. Then next weekend is SOCIAL D if I figure out a ride!

I can do anything with you by my side now.

Hahahaha. This is Addison and I, for real. Listen, we're good now. I'm totally ok, either that or...completely fucking insane.

blackbird

You just called, too drunk. You told me all that's happened and kept asking about school, grades and laughed whole heartedly about my life within the past ten days. Then you told me you loved me. And somehow all my anger, such weak anger, managed to get stumped. You backed off and said "Aw come on you know that, I didn't forget about you, I told you I always loved you and don't bring anything else up because you know.."

I stumbled through what I'd say back, something I've said to you a million times, quite literally. "You know I love you back.." Things are going to be alright, you know?

That Joke Isn't Funny Anymore..

"It was dark as I drove the point home; and on cold leather seats. Well, it suddenly struck me..I just might die with a smile on my face after all"

I just cannot care anymore. If I've carried this song long enough with me, through all the troubling thoughts, I can get by without you. There are plenty who appreciate my sense of self..right? oh damnit, why do I miss you and why do I want to know if you miss me in any way or have you given me up so quick. It wasn't for me, at least I don't believe so though you've insisted. I refuse to believe you ever cared enough about my feelings to consider me now.

I really enjoy watching Gossip Girl. It makes me feel soo much better. I am ok with admitting this, I was into the OC so it's whatever.

disgusted

one of these days..

Writing papers last minute until nearly 2am is gonna catch up to me and bite me right in my ass. But hopefully I will never lose this craft. I almost cried on my way home tonight in the car with my mother, I don't know what it was. I kept looking out at how dark it was outside and the music kept getting louder and I realized the dark made everything seem so much more desolate and this town is so empty. I never cry like that ever, but you caught up to me. This is the longest we haven't talked and I know you were online while I was at my lecture and I know it wasn't to talk to me but I miss you so much but I can't give into calling. Maybe it was to talk to me, I don't fucking know. You're just my best friend and this makes me so weak in my bones. It's like we're connected when we keep telling ourselves lies to disconnect and untie all of our love knots. My fall break starts tomorrow and I just hope it turns around into something beautiful like autumn is supposed to be. Bike rides through the park, picnics with beer. I can't believe I smoke so much now and my eating habits are shameful, I hate it. I need to fix myself up. My rut has followed me around for too long. All my time is spent smoking cigarettes, making coffee and contemplating things that oughtn't be contemplated. I just think too fucking much.

heart&soul

"Existence— well, what does it matter? I've existed for the best use I can. The past is now part of my future. The present is well out of hand." — Ian Curtis

I find it really kind of morbid that I sleep underneath a Joy Division poster but it seems one of the only people I feel connected to is Ian Curtis. And I have no idea why, it's 2:30 in the morning and instead of doing work to keep on track, I am watching documentaries on Bob Dylan and the Ramones. Documentaries I have seen dozens of times in the past five or six years of my life. I surely annoy myself since I cannot figure out why I am repetitive, perhaps because it feels safe in this routine, I am with these people more so than actual social interaction.