You've Got Everything Now..

It's kind of amazing in the most depressing way how bitter and nihilistic I have become. My mother nearly kicked me out of her car today on her way to take me to class, pulled to the side of the road. I didn't even care and kept saying, "Really? Really, alright. You're acting like more of a fucking child than me. How old are you again?" And then she kept driving, smacking my head. I don't care about anything anymore. And when I argue with my boyfriend, who started to drink again, I cry for a little and then realize we've went our separate ways before, why should I start trying to run after him? I have wasted too much of my life being kind and understand. I do not have time to let someone who acts younger than me belittle me. And I don't care to hear about anyone's problems, which makes me believe I do not care for the people whom I considered close. I should hate myself for this but I look back and the hatred boils. I need to focus on school, not some damn boyfriend who wants to disagree or bicker over the dumbest bullshit. I need to find a job since I am sure I will be kicked out soon. I am tired of figuring out what's wrong with me and feeling bad and being the pussy who gets stepped on, no more. I am a human being too you know, I have anger and sadness and happiness and thoughts inside me. You're not the king of me or my heart, no one is. No one owns my emotions, I do. And if this makes me bitter, so be it. I don't care anymore, I was going to be happy but some people just wanna step on other's gardens. So fuck you, I want my garden a million miles away from you all. I will not allow threats being replaced or this or that sway me anymore, you do your own damn thing, I will not change not even for you. I am sick of arguing, you make me the mean person I am currently. I will not let you belittle me to the point I am crying in the cafe, I already have enough people (the lot of the ones I even know..) breathing down my neck. I don't have time for relationships of any sort, I DO NOT want to deal with anyone. What has overcome me? I just want to shout and scream and disappear from everyone, I fucking despise feeling this way, let that be known.

I blame my sleeping patterns, I will not go to bed until 5am. I wake up different hours everyday, and take a nap from 6-9pm usually. My diet is shitty, and I spend too much time trying to work things out. I can't afford to fuck up college, no way. This is the one thing in my life I can control, no one else getting in the way.

....And what a terrible mess I've made of my life. Oh, what a mess I've made of my life. No, I've never had a job because I've never wanted one...