one of these days..

Writing papers last minute until nearly 2am is gonna catch up to me and bite me right in my ass. But hopefully I will never lose this craft. I almost cried on my way home tonight in the car with my mother, I don't know what it was. I kept looking out at how dark it was outside and the music kept getting louder and I realized the dark made everything seem so much more desolate and this town is so empty. I never cry like that ever, but you caught up to me. This is the longest we haven't talked and I know you were online while I was at my lecture and I know it wasn't to talk to me but I miss you so much but I can't give into calling. Maybe it was to talk to me, I don't fucking know. You're just my best friend and this makes me so weak in my bones. It's like we're connected when we keep telling ourselves lies to disconnect and untie all of our love knots. My fall break starts tomorrow and I just hope it turns around into something beautiful like autumn is supposed to be. Bike rides through the park, picnics with beer. I can't believe I smoke so much now and my eating habits are shameful, I hate it. I need to fix myself up. My rut has followed me around for too long. All my time is spent smoking cigarettes, making coffee and contemplating things that oughtn't be contemplated. I just think too fucking much.