I am so glad I went to the pawn shop with Addison and his dad yesterday cause I got American Hardcore and it's makin me feel so much fucking better about things right now. It sounds really lame but I am glad punk rock will always be there no matter what sort of jokes there are out there. And plus, I got Marie Antoinette and the Addams Family. The storyline for Marie Antoinette was kind of weak, but I love Sofia Copolla's films for the filmography, and how beautiful everything is. It had that awesome Adam Ant take on the outfits back then. I have decided if I ever get married I am going to have an awesome dress like one out of that movie, for sure. And that hair, ugh I wish I had my hair like that everyday and went to these lavish parties with Siouxsie & The Banshees blaring in the background. Plus, any movie with my favorite song of all time, "Ceremony" by New Order, is a complete win all the way.
I sound really lame and feel super bad about the way things turned out. I really don't wanna lose my best friend, you know? I've known him for two years and it just seems like things won't change and even when he says I'm too good of a person to be with him, I don't know whether to believe it or not. It's pretty crushing, I'm not used to this. Because to begin with, I don't even like dealing with people since I'm gonna get attached and I just don't trust people in general. And then you have to like open yourself up and get close and decide whether or not you're gonna allow yourself to be that way with someone; or anyone. It's stupid, I feel like a whiny little kid. I just don't wanna lose the person I love the most and have dealt with so much shit with, considering I am getting things together for myself and learning to become more responsible with my life. A lot has happened within the past year and I've had a lot of revelations about things. Maybe things will turn around, but it's that I worry so much about him since I know things are getting real hard for him now and all I'm trying to do is get my shit together soon enough so I can finally, for once, really help him out. I'll always be the person to walk the beach with him in the middle of the summer with bookbags, without a car and bring bars and buy us french fries, always. That's just what you're supposed to do when you have a best friend. I don't give a shit if things happen in between, I know I can't be immature and cut him off like I do with everyone, he's gotta stay in my life. It sucks at the moment because we can't have the way we want it, the way it's supposed to be. But I can overlook mistakes, and pain and figure out to learn to trust again as long as I can keep him. It's not even like it's his decision that we're disconnecting but it's been mine and it's my only defense mechanism to tell him to fuck off, like "You hurt me, you won't let me have any real say in the relationship so fuck you, this has all been a waste of time." But that's so immature and I gotta deal with things. I have to get my life set first before I can even begin to really try and make a loving commitment but I keep trying my damndest day in and day out and at least that gives me hope: I have something to look foward to.
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