Her hair was raven and her heart was like a tomb. My heart's like a wound.

Sometimes I think of that night that held onto the fate of my soulmate and I by a thread for the last seven months of my life. The clanking of bottles, and the blurriness of everything, the fast pace of my heart out of fear where I was going for the night, standing outside the show with the train hopping punks, sharing a coke bottle of rum waiting for a familar face to come out. How I kept drinking out of the fact I had nowhere to go and everyone I knew left without me. And a boy is whispering in my ear to leave town with him and his friends and their puppy and do what I really want. And I can think of you at home and how I missed you so much but it ached missing you because it was like inside me I knew something terrible would happen that night. And they appeared, my big tattooed buddies saying I could come crash with them, save me from being swept by stinky crust punks. We walk down an alley and we all talk in awe of how that was one of the best shows we all ever seen but deep down I am still worried about how I know what it's like to not know where you're staying for the night. And inside the car, at the gas station ,all squished in, someone get a case of beer. We're gonna drink all night, all of us and have a good time. But it doesn't happen and I keep thinking of how much I love you and wish you could have just picked me up outside, alone, at 2am and let me sleep in your car, or on your mother's couch. But it couldn't happen, I was out there on my own. In his bedroom, it's nearly empty, no bed. There he puts on music and I still have trouble listening to that album to this day. We're laying on the floor, I can't feel or think straight and I really just wanna die. But he puts his tongue in my mouth and it's stiff and feels like sandpaper. And the next thing my clothes are being ripped and I can't go on but you heard about the blood stain carpet and how I got quiet and I told him to get off. I could see his knees all cut up, soaking the floor with his blood. And he's on top again and he doesn't even look me in the eye so I close mine and try not to cry and I tell him stop, and I rush out of the room outside to call you and pretend it's alright. I look down the street, it's the ghetto, 4am. And I wasn't a big enough of a woman to tell you the truth then so I wish you a good day at work and you knew what was happening, where I was, who I was with. And it was the worst night of my night. All my things...drinking...music...being carless...lonely...caught up to me and because of me being weak, I lost the most amazing and fucked up person I ever knew. This is the most personal thing I've kept inside me until now. I think about it all the time, how we'd be ok now, how we'd be so beautiful. And all he kept asking was if I'd kiss him and that he was sorry I was just so pretty and he kept just smiling where all Iwanted to do was run off and disappear from here completely. He wanted to hold me the whole night, while I slept on my side and he put his arms around me and I tried not to cry and worry. In the morning, he kept trying to snuggle with me and I kept staring at the door in front of me and how I wonder what it would be like to just be a goddamn door, anything but a human and feeling this. We went out for breakfast with the whole gang, he tried buying me breakfast but I left money for my food, didn't even sit with him but I felt his eyes glancing, because in the car he kept talking so awful about you and tried putting his arm around me cause all of us couldn't fit in the back. And you came to the restaurant when I stayed after everyone else left and in the car you could tell and I wouldn't say it until we were alone. Then, I told you, and then, you dropped me off on the side of the road near my house and I just slept and I don't want to think about this anymore, don't want to talk about it anymore, I want to set it free, I hate it. I hate it, how could I have been so foolish? To be the girls I despise, how could I be so weak to let my lesser half get the best of me.

I just want us to mutually have the same magic we had. We were, even with the secrets, completely unstopable, no one could touch us and how poor we were. Cause fuck, we were so damn happy in our lovey-dovey sense. How could anyone ever compare to me? Or you? You gave me this heart of gold cause you allowed me to love you beyond anything I wanted to feel for someone. blah. I neevr felt so strange..I am so worried right now, so sad. I am always sad and worried and you tell me I deserve more than this but I don't want anything else. I am fighting this battle because I feel it in my gut and I'm gonna pursue it and if I told who I ripped that line off, you'd just laugh and do an impression of him. Goddamnit, I love you and I'll have been all crazy about you for two years in two weeks. It's not on your girlfriend's birthday- but you're close. Add a one infront of the three. Aren't we both crazy? I just lied in your bed crying all afternoon Saturday while it rained and felt you crush me beneath your arms.