kind of funny how something so soothing is interrupted by the ring of a telephone

I was just sitting by your side an hour ago while you talked to your girlfriend and she is aware of who I once was in your life. And now I am just some ghostly reminder of such a person. We drank bourbon out in your father's driveway with your uncle, passing the bottle around, smoking cigarettes. He gave us some valium to which I am relieve will be in my system soon. I tried getting clean, in the sense I ought to do things on my own, without anything or anyone. We will, again, try to distance ourselves for supposedly my sake but I haven't had any qualms. Is she really even "intimidated" by me, of all people? I am merely a girl who gets her shit done, or tries to at least and has pop culture engrained in her measly brain, and occasionally has good taste in clothing and a carefree attitude. Is that frightening? You are the same person, which isn't the greatest thing but at least these girls come after you, like me, so blind to the truth of your nature. They all want to be loved, they don't care by who, as long it comes in a handsome package and false promises of togetherness. While I know who I want to love me, and have that in this fucked up sense but I am unwilling to love just anyone nor have anyone love me, that's just the biggest disgrace in people I see. Such flawed, needy characters who seem to devour any affection they can get. I'd rather be alone than fake my heart. Eventually, they all find out you. It was me who did not care and got over things.

I am not weak for loving you, I am not weak for staying. My only weakness is the fact I tried to give you up but I keep coming back for more. I defeated my purpose in hopes of reconciliation. It isn't working out and now I'm miserable with a headfull of pills. Saying a person is too good for you is a goddamn cop out and you're using it with every inch of your miniscule existance.

I drank a whole pint of gin to myself last night and wish I hadn't. I thought clear liquor was my answer but it definitely was not. I hate when I have these days where I am sick of life.