Gone Mental

Listening to all of the Ramones first three records really make me wonder how I got this way. I really shouldn't be Dee Dee, it's not the life anyone would desire. But I'm some mopey drone that turns into some monster when I'm drunk by myself. These songs used to be so pure but now thye reak of a lot of pain and things that I should have never gone through. When I was younger listening to these songs, I understood feeling apathetic but there's a time to grow out of it. I just...haven't. I haven't changed much at all in my life, there are no accomplishments. My boyfriend and I were talking to his younger brother about football practices and band camp during the summer. And he just says how I spent all my summers in high school on drugs, and I don't wanna be that person at all. I walked the streets back home by myself and wondered why I never made anything of myself, spending my last few dollars on cigarettes. I sat in the park at the elementary school I grew up at, and I felt so lost. I can speak broken spanish to my Cuban "grandmother", who is fading fast due to Alzheimer's, and old family friends can tell me how much I've grown and let my brother's fiance feed me alcohol behind my parents' back but these things don't matter in essence. I can walk out of Webster Hall from my brother FDNY Medal Day onto the streets and sneak a smoke and walk by myself in the stores, but I'm just out of place, out of sight with reality.

Everyone says they envy my relationship but it has so many problems. I got drunk the other night by myself and freaked out and ended up single, all in my own head. Today was the first day we saw each other since and things just hurt. I push people away when I want them there, only because I want to beat them to the end. I wish I knew how to keep people here, because I do love them in all honesty. I really do have a big heart with lots of love to give but I'm so bitter. Maybe it's how I was raised and how I fauxpaux raised myself. I don't wanna take people for granted, the ones I love. I should tell them I love them more, I should stop arguing and having freak outs so much. Sometimes I can't get outta my bed til 3 in the afternoon, I have watched the sunrise countless times already on my summer break. I have nothing going for me and I should. Soon it will be too late.