I just realized Rob Zombie's birthday is a day after mine. Kind of funny considering I was in love with him when he first came out as a solo artist in like '98. The tattoos, the horror movie fascination, the hair, the clothes, those boots. He is basically the perfect man. I still have that album somewhere since I stole it from my brother. I was so cool back in the day, seriously. I think I need to start being a bitch. I wish I could eat pizza with sracha(sp?) chili sauce and cherry soda for the rest of my life. Turning nineteen doesn't seem that exciting, birthdays aren't exciting at all. I need to do something with my life, I'm disatisfied with how things turn out about 78% of the time. What the fuck, why do I still even live at home? I'm living a lie. I hate all you stoners and your silly weed. And I hate your opiate smoking habits that leave me with the foily after-taste and a five minute high that just gets me giggly and drinking more than I ought to. My rambling is done.

And I'm tired of sleeping with myself, and I'm tired, all these drinks and drugs no longer help

Christmas weekend has been interesting. I stayed up until sunrise as usual Christmas morning and fell asleep for a couple of hours until my mother woke me up for presents. I knew what I had already gotten and I was stoked. I finally have a fitting leopard coat, heart shaped tights, dresses, a sweet floral cardigan. I have pink hair and both my parents actually like it. Maria picked me up after Christmas dinner and we drove in the torrential downpour an hour and some minutes to Southport to meet her potential significant other, we saw Sherlock Holmes. I was stoked, I like Robert Downey Jr., but it wasn't the Sherlock I remember. We went back to this kid's house and I had to sit with his obnoxious friend while Maria and boy snuggled until we drove back to Wilmington. Not realizing my phone had zero signal, and it was somehow already dying, I never got any messages Addison left. She dropped me off around 3 and he was outside, obviously drunk, pissing over the porch. He was so worried and mad at me and I then saw I had a few voicemails all from him. I finished the last beer, took care of him and we talked until the sun rose then slept in. Saturday, I decided to stay over again and he bought us lunch, then we began drinking some beer and eventually moved on to Tequila. We shared some drugs with roommates and I heard all the guys talking about me, I guess in a positive way. Addison and I were busy watching the Dexter marathon and when we finished our 12 pack we tried to rush to the gas station 10 minutes until 2am, closing time. We missed it by two minutes but some dude bought us nacho cheese, I was so stoked. So the others came back from the bar, red faced, stumbling. Addison and I made our nachos and played video games then we watched Lost Boys until we were too sleepy. We slept in yesterday until 3-4pm, and then I finally got my milk shake and his dad picked us up.

I love my man. New Year's is gonna be great. I have to re-dye my hair though. You should have smelt the shit I put in it to get the blue out, it barely came out and made me strangely blonde. Hair is crazy.

Pabst and Camels

Life is going alright. Every night, when it is still considered night; where all the sleepyheads of the world are wrapped in their dreams and the drunk party people are drooling in their restless sleeps with a stranger or something like that, I am awake before the sun rises lying in my bed wondering why the sky looks so big and dusty at this time. The stars glitter and shimmer before my heavy eyes, they're dim and gentle, dainty drips of light. When I finally fall asleep once I hear more than one car in a fifteen minute time span, I sleep for a short spurt, my bones keep me awake, randomly pulling me to wake. I stay in my pajamas until the sun sets and he takes me away from this house. My hair is pink now, he smiles nervously at it and decides he likes it. I know the person I hate the most's middle initial and somehow this is big news in my head. The stories that formulate, the tears that strain the sheets after only half a case of beer. Sometimes these feelings and painful memories never stop. Sometimes they chase you when you're at your most vulnerable. I told myself for a long time nothing was ever my fault and that I didn't deserve this pain.

The people that surround me when I go out are questionable. I won't ever understand people and how they act or how they think, feel, touch..all of it is futile. Driving in the car, passing by houses decorated for the holidays..why? Well, I don't know but I sure do like the colors all bright and shiny. It's a beautiful display, this town is lit up like home almost. So close to home but it's never just a trip to Nana's anymore. It's fucking far, far enough that the lengths of my heart tear up, they rupture and burst inside my chest making me feel more isolated. But his hand is warm, holding mine and the rings he's placed on my fingers, the cigarettes that balance off between fingers like some acrobat. It's routine, this is routine. Open the case of beer, here's to the rest of the night down our throats in cheap ale and smoke.

Bees Knees..

Oh, Morrissey. So much to answer for. I hear The Smiths this late and I think back to who I was. Thank you little me, I haven't changed much. I'd have kept to a little embarassed, I know it.

Helter Skeltur

I had a dream Charles Manson and I were best friends. It was actually a lot of fun, and apparently I laughed a lot in my dream. We went out with rifles and shot things, not people, I think or something. It was cool, he was really cool and more like a redneck grandpa than anything else. Call me crazy, I know. I see him as a crazy old guy anyways.

Yesterday during the storm, Addison picked me up and we went to his house and set up camp, ha. We had decent beer that kept us warm and ordered pizza and watched Point Break. I have seen Point Break more times than I want to admit. A package was dropped off for the previous occupants of the house and the boys were so stoked because it was a canister of popcorn and other goods, considering they were stoned. I have never seen men such savages for popcorn and snowman aluminum covered chocolate balls in my life before..

After a while, we locked ourselves in his room with pizza and he played video games then he fell asleep and I tossed and turned until 5am when he finally woke up to be nice enough to snuggle and turn on the fan. We drove to Fayetteville to drop his cousin off at the airport, she wasn't very pleasant this week. He and I sat up front and couldn't smoke for 2 and a half hours but we played some great music and the weather got beautiful a couple of hours before the sun set. We waited at the small airport until she checked in then we drove off and got back and just snuggled. I am home now.

I Am Demon

I feel so bad, I can't shake the feeling. I want to say sorry and hope that makes you change your mind. But words can't make someone understand, just a little hope and some time.

And also, lurkers of the world...don't unite and take over. Fuck off, I don't want to see my name plastered on your damn social networks. And I am not the new girlfriend, thanks. I am way cooler than most of you dumb cunts but I'd rather not have to deal with the bullshit you subjectify yourself with just so you can feel important and so-called "empowered."

Anyways, listen to Danzig. I bought hot pink-red hair dye and my mom says I'm gonna stay weird for life.

I want a normal bedtime. I bet tonight will be the third night in a row I watch the sun dimly rise. I haven't been sleeping well, I watch Law&Order: SVU every morning at 4am. I had a dream during a cat nap about that guy and he was so into but I left and ate a sundae in my neighborhood, walking. I am gonna be done with my exams tomorrow finally. All this waiting has drained me. I failed my math final. I decided, again, I am never gonna marry a man like my father. I re-made some shoes today by cutting and painting. I might glitter boots by the end of the week.

"Catch fire,
I'm burning up with you.
Something in the air makes me wonder
Why the hell I'd care about tomorrow
When it's all right here - the wine the hope and you"

Story of my life. I need to start drinking wine. Addison says I've become more girly in recent months.

love

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gtltJcvxwRs&feature=player_embedded

The rain was so peaceful when I woke up this afternoon, I decided not to go to class. I am tired of my bed and my sleeping pattern. I go to bed at 5 in the morning because I talk to Addison late and then Law&Order is on. I am tired of my blue-green hair and I tried dying it over but it didn't really work, goddamnit. I pretty much am done with classes except for a math exam Friday night, then next Tuesday and finally Thursday.

as Lady Gaga says...

I'm a free bitch baby.