Cough Syrup

The more I surround myself with my age group, the easier it is to accept I'm intelligent. I guess. No, I'm 90% sure of it. These people lack some sort of outlook on life, a surreal experience, any input, any character. I stare at them and most radiate pretention, or bleek, blank expressions. All of which I cannot come to terms with in knowing. I want to have friends and I blame myself for not conforming. I rightfully refuse, as I always have.

What do I mean? I don't even know, I just can only give you the explanation is that now when I sleep alone, I drink half a bottle of nyquil, sloppily shove an Oriental eye-mask and melt underneath my down alternative comforter, into my perfect bed. I love waking up and forgetting I even slept. I'm madly in love and keep telling myself now one day I will marry and have a baby. In whatever order it happens, the thought makes me feel strange. I promised myself all my life neither events would ever happen, but I accept them graciously knowing I met my soulmate. I didn't even think I had a soulmate.

I am sometimes so desparate to find something in common with my peers that I just pretend. I pretend to be nice, and stupid. Being stupid is really hard. I feel as though I might as well bang my fucking head against a wall, yelling "blahblahblah! BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!" And drool uncontrolably.

I don't think this life is right for me sometimes because it's easy in a sense I can't explain. It's graying my soul, and driving me mad. I strive to be forgetable mostly, and it makes me sad that I waste so much time doing so. I always say "this life isn't right for me" but I just drink it away and sleep it off.

My head is buzzing right now. A television static mind lulling itself to sleep. Or a fly caught in a light fixture. My hands are light and one with the air; serene and being. My body wants to break out, my skeleton wants to dance and glow in the dark.

I have been spending most of my nights talking to gay men, with my boyfriend. I love it, they are all so wonderful. I don't feel so judged and they don't make me worry if I drink too much. Straight, oversexed, sexist men in our society think it's ok to take advantage of women or degrade them. I hate them. I hate most people though. I wish I had more hope in the normalities of our society, they are so lucky in their ignorance. I am so bitter in my realizations.

what is this?

Type 4 is called The Individualist, The Artist, The Romantic, The Mystic. You want to be gifted, intuitive, original and unique. More importantly, you want to be passionate, true to your feelings and uniquely authentic. You see yourself as sensitive, expressive and spiritual. You would like others to see you as idealistic, emotionally deep and compassionate. Your idealized image is that you are accomplished and special. Motivated by the need to understand and to be understood, you desire experiences that are rich with feeling and meaning. You may find it easier to deal with painful emotions than to deal with the tedium of daily routine. You have the temperament of an artist and long to freely express yourself. You feel your emotions deeply and are not afraid to go emotionally where others fear to tread. This includes having an exquisite, intuitive ability to distinguish between subtle emotions that others often miss. Painfully self-conscious, you are often overly focused on how different you are from others. A true humanitarian, you have a natural passion for protest. At times intense and contrary, you are not afraid to think for yourself and voice your point of view. Nostalgic by nature, you often focus on past experiences. This can lead you to deeper insights or to downward spirals of melancholy and/or painful unresolved feelings. Craving ideal circumstances or love, you often ruminate on what is missing and perceived to be important. Your tendency towards self-absorption is both an asset and liability. It can lead you to deep personal insights that can benefit everyone while feeding your self-deprecating sense of humor; but it can also make you appear to be self centered and disinterested in others. Feeling your own inner world so powerfully, it is good to remember that others’ experiences are just as real for them as yours are for you. When you step out of the river of your emotions, you can bring forth your many talents into the world and express them in a way that is extraordinary and original. You are like the lotus flower growing in the mud that is able to transform emotionally painful experiences into fertilizer for personal growth. Attuned to feelings, you have an uncommon sensitivity when it comes to dealing with suffering. You are not afraid to hear about someone else’s troubles, and you can be a great friend to anyone in emotional pain. You need be seen as artistic, gifted and accomplished. You focus on your individuality and on carving your own distinct image. You need to express your deep feelings and want others to validate your emotions. Whether you are organizing your living space to reflect your refined tastes or engaging in an artistic pursuit, it is essential for your sense of well being that you express your creativity. You avoid feeling lost, disoriented and without personal significance, meaning or direction. You also avoid appearing inadequate, defective or flawed. Most importantly, you have a hidden fear of being emotionally cut off or abandoned. You avoid affectation and anything dull, ordinary, ugly, vulgar, inauthentic or distasteful. You also avoid anything which seems forced or artificial. Your greatest strengths are your deep intuition, creativity and ability to transform painful life experiences into opportunities for profound growth and healing. This enables you to identify what is missing, and like a knight on a quest, you search until you find it or create it. Astute about human nature, you believe that everyone is an individual and that all emotions have value. Profound and insightful, you have an uncanny knack for transforming the dull and the ordinary into the exciting and extraordinary. You are able to see and appreciate what is truly unique, special and rare. Your vice is envy. You’re always worrying that others may have gotten a better deal than you or are being recognized while your talents are being overlooked. Hyper-sensitive, you can be moody, haughty and overly emotional, always seeing the grass as greener and the glass half empty. You can be self-absorbed and temperamental, and tend to over-personalize all life experiences and interactions with others. Capable of being emotionally manipulating or overly critical, you are often unaware of the impact your emotional nature has on others. Remember, that you are like a mystic who sees ‘the river beneath the river’ and are not just the swamp of your emotions. Your attention goes to searching for meaning, noticing what is missing, feelings of melancholy and nostalgia, and longing for the unavailable. You appreciate the special, the humane and the beautiful. You like to put your personal signature on everything that you do. Your refined tastes make you a great critic and someone who appreciates the truly exceptional. Your spiritual journey is to connect to original source and create true meaning. Spiritual growth will come to you when you are able to balance your emotional nature with temperance and equanimity. Keep your powerful emotions in check, and you can create the kind of life that you want. Don’t dwell on the past, and remember to enjoy the pleasure that can be found in each moment. When you have gratitude and the courage to move through your fear of rejection and share your talents, others will honor your original and creative contributions.

the truth

For a while today, I hated you. I hated you for being so beautiful and real. I hated you for waking up at night to find your arms around me. I hated your honesty and the way you make people relax when you are around them. I hated you for loving me unconditionally. You have called me on years of cheap emotion and cruelty that came from my fears. When you look at me and smile I no longer feel scared or feel the need to run out of the room gasping for air. You don’t make me feel like life is a waste of time and that all you get is cold sweating, dark moments in small rooms all over the world, spending time with other desperate characters who are tearing the path across the night skies of desolation.

-H.R

Gone Mental

Listening to all of the Ramones first three records really make me wonder how I got this way. I really shouldn't be Dee Dee, it's not the life anyone would desire. But I'm some mopey drone that turns into some monster when I'm drunk by myself. These songs used to be so pure but now thye reak of a lot of pain and things that I should have never gone through. When I was younger listening to these songs, I understood feeling apathetic but there's a time to grow out of it. I just...haven't. I haven't changed much at all in my life, there are no accomplishments. My boyfriend and I were talking to his younger brother about football practices and band camp during the summer. And he just says how I spent all my summers in high school on drugs, and I don't wanna be that person at all. I walked the streets back home by myself and wondered why I never made anything of myself, spending my last few dollars on cigarettes. I sat in the park at the elementary school I grew up at, and I felt so lost. I can speak broken spanish to my Cuban "grandmother", who is fading fast due to Alzheimer's, and old family friends can tell me how much I've grown and let my brother's fiance feed me alcohol behind my parents' back but these things don't matter in essence. I can walk out of Webster Hall from my brother FDNY Medal Day onto the streets and sneak a smoke and walk by myself in the stores, but I'm just out of place, out of sight with reality.

Everyone says they envy my relationship but it has so many problems. I got drunk the other night by myself and freaked out and ended up single, all in my own head. Today was the first day we saw each other since and things just hurt. I push people away when I want them there, only because I want to beat them to the end. I wish I knew how to keep people here, because I do love them in all honesty. I really do have a big heart with lots of love to give but I'm so bitter. Maybe it's how I was raised and how I fauxpaux raised myself. I don't wanna take people for granted, the ones I love. I should tell them I love them more, I should stop arguing and having freak outs so much. Sometimes I can't get outta my bed til 3 in the afternoon, I have watched the sunrise countless times already on my summer break. I have nothing going for me and I should. Soon it will be too late.

Bird Mad Girl

The sun is rising again. I am smoking a cigarette. I have seen the sun rise for the past week. It's lonely. All the world around me is so quiet, other than a car every half hour. I haven't gone out much lately. All I do is read, paint and clean. I watched the fireworks tonight with Addison from our swing set. We walked around all night.

I leave for New York in less than four days.